Salma Hayek Is Worried About My Weight Or at least she says she is. I think she's just afraid of competition and if you are not hot, her job is a lot easier. The last thing the world needs is Salma Hayek giving us her opinion on body image. The first thing the world needs? Video footage of Salma Hayek sawing people up with a chain saw. I'd pay to see that. Oh, and maybe a cure for cancer. That might be nice too. So I don't take advice from Salma Hayek on body image and neither should you. Why? Because she looks like this: Now, is she hot? Not really. Latin girls are a step above Asians but not by much. Still, she's not horrifically ugly either. And she's way better than that J-Lo person. So she secretly wants you to stay fat so you will admire and respect her and I bet you'd rather be hot. I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness so do you want to know the secret to weight loss? Crack. Yep, I guarantee if you spend all of your money on crack you'll be unemployed and not eat and you will lose weight. The problem is that crack is getting more difficult to buy. Why? Because the government is in on the take now. In Tennessee they have implemented a crack tax on illegal drug dealers. That's right, if you get busted selling drugs in Tennessee not only have you committed a crime, they get you for not paying your taxes either. It baffles me how these guys have to pay taxes on earnings they can't report because their trade is illegal, but I'm not a government official so I have poor grasp of things I know nothing about. It's only a matter of time before this madness spreads to all 50 states. Then people will stop selling crack which means people will stop buying crack and you'll all get fat. But Tennessee made $2 million the first year of doing it. So who's the dummy now?

How To Be Big In Japan It actually isn't all that difficult when you're big and pretty and happen to be in Japan. But people have asked me how I am able to speak so easily and so well in public - even in foreign countries. I never really had a response for them but it turns out other scientists had the same question. The answer? It's because I get all that sex. Yep, they spent a whole bunch of taxpayer money and discovered that the volunteers who had sexual intercourse were the least stressed and that having sex is good way to calm nerves before giving a speech or presentation. This explains why I give speeches as least 3 times a day. No matter where in the world I am. Ann Coulter isn't in Japan with me but she made a heck of a good speech in her own right and got some free publicity as a result. She also completely reaffirmed her hotness by joking that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens should be poisoned. This was at Philander Smith College in Little Rock, Ark. The college president, Walter Kimbrough, had told the audience, that inviting Coulter to speak at the black school made sense because, like hip hoppers, she is "raw, outspoken, uncensored." He also called her the "conservative answer to rapper Lil' Kim -- [both] attractive and sexy, long-haired blondes. ..." Coulter said it was the best introduction she'd ever had. I disagree with that. One time I introduced her to some friends by saying she was the cause of more web-based spankings among Young Republicans than Cindy Crawford and Jenna Jameson combined. She thought that was pretty cute. So you're asking yourself, why didn't things work out between him and Ann? The plain truth is she got tired of women always hitting on me. And I didn't even know who Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens was before she decided to poison him. I guess she's just too darn insecure to hang with the big Gaijin.

Finally, A Weather Channel Worth Watching There's a storm brewing. In a whole lot of mens' pants. Watch the most interesting weather channel in the world here.

Kate Moss Doesn't Respect Sienna Miller Talk about a conflict. Sienna Miller is the kind of apeshit nutso chick I usually go for but Kate Moss told me she didn't give me an STD after all. So how do I choose between them? I was only pretending it was difficult to choose between Sienna and supermodels when Liz Hurley got in a cat fight with our favorite crazy lady of 2006 so far. Mostly because Hugh Grant apparently couldn't even get a blowjob without hiring a hooker, so Hurley could never keep my attention. I only discovered you can't get a girl pregnant that way last week. Because I have actually never done anything else. So much for all that money spent on condoms. But Kate Moss is a deviant supermodel of another stripe. She is ... wait, in case you don't know most supermodels, grab a seat ... addicted to cocaine. And that means bizarre sex on command. Clearly Liz Hurley never did cocaine or she would have been able to please her man a little better. So when Kate Moss says Sienna Miller should stick to acting I sit up and take notice. We know supermodeling is tough work. Linda Evangelista said it best when she issued forth this divine wisdom: "It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher." Amen. And she is my age so she has gained some wisdom. Do I look better than she does today? You betcha. I drove her to SFO after a weekend visit and I mentioned that in passing and she wasn't too happy about it but you decide for yourself: Yeah. Told you.

Heidi Klum Is Not A Natural Model It turns out German supermodel Heidi Kulm is shocked by her catwalk success because she apparently didn't know how to smile until someone offered her $20,000 a day to do it. Did they teach her how to grab Seal's butt also? Because she is pretty good at that. One of the greatest signs that God has a sense of humor is that I am writing this blog and someone who looks like Seal is throwing Heidi Klum around a Motel 6 right now.

Girls Give Hope To Ugly Guys Part II First, Christina Aguilera got married and gave hope to ugly guys everywhere, and I was okay with that. But now Lost star Evangeline Lilly has gotten engaged to a Hobbit. What's the point of doing all this work to look like ... well, me ... when squeaky little British guys can get women who look like this: Generally speaking, her man-like body creeps me out but for him that's still pretty good. Now, I just learned about this yesterday and scientists say that January 23rd is the most depressing day of the year. So maybe Evangeline is suffering from low self esteem. She's Canadian, which explains it. This Canadian guy wrote 3700 love letters to some Belgian girl he met on a trip so he is absolutely convinced the world is ending tomorrow and he can never find another girl. Yeah, he wrote to thousands of women in Belgium.That, my friends, is low self-esteem.

Posh Spice Has Never Read A Book ... ... yet is apparently qualified to write one. I don't really need to add much to that to make it funny, do I? It's a good thing she is married to the most famous football player in the world or she would have the name recognition of Lisa Loeb. Or someone else not very famous but vaguely recognizable for singing in the 90s. I hope I didn't make that joke before. It seemed too easy. Anyway, Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham isn't even hot enough to post here so, just this once, I will post her dude.

Sienna Miller Sends Her Guy Packing Again I'm all for nutso chicks. Especially nutso hot chicks. I am kind of like the Air Traffic Control of crazy women. I don't care which airline you are on, I just want to make sure we all land safely. So bring it on. But Sienna Miller is something special. Now the word is she has kicked out that Jude Law guy again, who has some shockingly awful taste in women, and is canoodling with the older dork version of Darth Vader. Not the annoying little kid from Episode 1 but the pouty, whiny adult from Episodes 2 and 3. You know, the one you actually enjoyed seeing get chopped in half because he was such a putz. Speculation is this is yet another publicity stunt of hers. I don't believe that for a second because why would she need any more publicity? The girl is friggin' career-rejuvenating magic. She got Jude Law back in the spotlight when he was three steps from making infomercials, the guy she boned after him suddenly became James Bond and now I bet she is about to earn the worst actor of 2005 an Academy Award in 2007 for a movie I will never even see. I'm tempted to become an actor just so I can hang out with her. I am sure I will suck at it but after basking in her arcane, ability-enhancing glow for a short while, I will be making more money than Ben Affleck. Come to think of it, with his lack of talent, how does that guy get any work at all? I bet he boned Sienna Miller, that's how.

How To Make Matthew Broderick Question His Sexuality I bet she could even turn one of those Queer Eye guys straight. Kudos to SorryIGotDrunk for the pic.

Tom Cruise Wants To Sue England And not just for blood pudding. Though that would make sense. He wants to sue for South Park. Those scamps at the show have gotten under his skin by having a 'Tom Cruise' character hide in the closet while all of his close friends try to coax him out of the closet. When will they do an episode where they try to coax me out of Rebecca Romijn? (you're pushing it, Galileo. I put up with Jessica Simpson but I am not putting up with Rebecca Romijn - Sweety) Anyway, back to Tom Cruise. Do you get it? Tom Cruise in the closet? Being coaxed out of the closet by Nicole Kidman and everyone else? Yeah. South Park is a real threat to him with that humor. But stations in the UK have apparently declined to show the episode because they are worried about getting a lawsuit. Do not fear, British vassals of we stronger Americans. I have come to the rescue. Enjoy the Tom Cruise South Park episode here. And enjoy his new Katie Holmes talking action puppet here.

Bonus Quickies Because I am just that good. Feist is on whatever show Jimmy Kimmel hosts tonight. Naturally the Replay is set. Those crazy Asians drill into the center of the world for fun. Big news. Beware, you could die of a heart attack. On my Christmas list for 2006. That's right, a 240,000 round a minute super gun. Dead man rides 6 hours on subway. Is it the plot of a new Weekend At Bernie's sequel? No, this is more believable. If you didn't have money for a token you would have been busted right away, of course.

Kate Beckinsale Assuages Her Heartbreak Over Not Having Me By Turning Muslim Or just covering herself in a burkha to hide her shame. Or she was using that droll British humor on unsuspecting journalists. I basically like Kate Beckinsale. She makes crap movies but she has the kind of classic movie star face you never get tired of seeing. Plus, she is willing to strip on webcam pretty much on command. The value of that can't be understated when you're off on a business trip. Granted, I am not buying her whole woe is me, my butt is fat routine any more than anyone else is, but I'm sure it got her thousands of responses telling her that she looks great in a skin-tight latex catsuit. Heck, I could have told her that. Well, I did tell her that but it was while she was hitting on me and playing the Astro Blasto video game surrounded by little people who don't speak our language. Underworld Evolution came out this weekend and pretty much killed Penis Party Homo On The Range Brokeback Mountain at the box office, which will be surprising to Hollywood types. They probably can't understand why American men would rather see Kate Beckinsale kicking butt in hot clothes instead of macho icons being ridiculed all over the country. Or by me. Whichever is more. Not that I'm homophobic, I just think the movie could have been a lot funnier. And I leave the homophobia to American Idol.

Why I Rule Did any other sports pundit out there predict the Steelers were the greatest team in the NFL? I think not. And not just because of their lack of lesbian cheerleaders, though that helps. It's science, people - and at science I rule. This is not to say I am unwilling to look for obvious advantages. Did I wear my lucky Greg Lloyd jersey? Check. Did I know the Broncos have cheerleaders and were therefore cursed? Check. Was I surrounded by Broncos fans, including one who partook of my custom frothy cappucchino and remarked, "You give great foam", prompting me to look around for assistance and make my 'call the police' gesture? Check. See you in Detroit and be sure to visit Canada while you are there. No cheerleaders allowed. But let's be clear, I have no problem with cheerleaders per se. They're cheaper than strippers and they love their breasts as much as Jessica Simpson loves hers. It's just that if I want to hang out with women dumber than fish bait I'll arrange to meet Heather Graham. She appears to have plenty of time, since her new comedy series Emily's Reasons Why Not, got cancelled after one episode, joining the ranks of other quality shows that got cancelled after one episode like Heil Honey I'm Home! about Hitler and Eva Braun after World War II and Who's Your Daddy where some poor kid had to try and figure out who her father was. Yeah, those were real shows. I searched Google high and low and I couldn't find a single hot picure of Heather Graham. She appears to be one of those rare women who is vaguely attractive but without a single ounce of sex appeal: Sort of like Natalie Portman. But life isn't all bad. Someone out there is picking up the humor slack for me, since I saw this funny quote about the assets that the child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will have. Number one will be: "Remember how Scrooge McDuck used to sit on huge piles of money and laugh? That's this kid, except instead of money, it's genes." That's a lot of pressure for a young kid. And since Angelina may be having twins what do you want to bet one of them hits the other in the face with a hot iron at an early age? Or at least has him imprisoned behind an iron mask? I'm okay with either one, since it will give me something to write about in 2022.

American Idol Hates Gay People You mean Simon Cowell isn't gay? Why the hell does he buy his t-shirts from Baby Gap then? I have never seen a heterosexual man wear such tight t-shirts, especially with the man-breasts he is sporting. But anyway, it seems officials in the Gay And Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) were appalled at the homophobia demonstrated by judges Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell in the first episode of the new season. Now, I just happened to see the first episode of American Idol this season and I don't remember the homophobic remarks but that's probably because I am homophobic and hate people if Simon Cowell or Eminem tells me I should. What I do remember is their astonishment that one contestant revealed himself a boy and claimed to be surprised that people often thought 'he' was a girl. Maybe it was his thin frame and the fact that he was wearing a tight girl's blouse and had a girl's haircut and pretty much did everything he could to look like a girl. Let's face it, if I go to Disney World and see a guy in a Tigger costume, I don't assume he is a real tiger. So you have to look pretty darn convincing to fool me. And I was fooled. So this rejected contestant couldn't sing for beans but advocates insist it was the questionable gender that kept him/her off the show. The rejected contestant is, thanks to Google, Zachary Travis. You're in luck because I found a picture: Seriously people. Did you not think this was a girl? Anyway, this is American Idol. Insulting contestants is what they do. Like this blog. You think I won't make fun of Kate Moss for canoodling with Jack Osbourne just because he's a fat dork riding his father's fame to d-list celebrity status? Is there a Dork Defamation League that will come after me? Should I not make fun of someone named Rachel Hunter for lamenting that all the handsome men she meets are married when it turns out she is rich because she was married to Rod Stewart. So she is rich and once thought Rod Stewart was handsome and can't find a date? I can walk into any bowling alley in America and find guys better looking than Rod Stewart. I think Rachel Hunter just wants publicity the same way Uma Thurman once said she was available if guys wanted to ask her out. And sorry about the bowling crack. If there's a Bowling Defamation League out there please don't take me to Internet Court.

Hilary Swank Trying To Save Her Marriage It's a sad day for humor when this is the best fodder I can get. On the surface I'm glad someone in Hollywood doesn't run off and adopt a much hotter girl's children at the first sign of trouble. On the other hand I am a little torqued up that people are actually applauding this kid as if she is some kind of hero for doing what ordinary people do every day. So what is their problem? Some of it may be that he is kind of a skinny dweeb with no prospects and she has an Oscar and looks like this: So she pretty much wants to step up to someone who does not look like her little sister. She can't just come out and say that so she has to do this dance before kicking him to the curb. And what does she mean when she says they are trying to save their marriage anyway? Is their marriage a puppy trapped inside a car that's just careened into a lake? Should you be talking about your marriage to celebrity whore-mongers while you're at an awards ceremony no one watches? People, I have written whole books on saving marriages and I can tell you that airing your problems out in public is not the way to do it. Nor is hiring a hitman to whack your husband. What does work then? It's easy. Hire a concubine. Oh, and my humor blog day just got rescued. Nothing is a bigger ticking timebomb up against the clock counting down the tenuous 15 minutes of fame for a rich brat like Paris Hilton than having to deny that she pisses all over herself in cabs.

Maybe E ≠ MC^2? This is serious stuff. If E ≠ MC^2 then maybe ME ≠ MC^2 either. And then I would have to change my license plate. And slow down. Sammy can't drive 55 and I can barely keep it under 90 - in traffic. Dr Joao Magueijo is trying to sell a book, and to sell books you have to be controversial. So here is me whoring his book Faster than the Speed of Light - The Story of a Scientific Speculation so he can make a buck. But let's take the argument on its merits. Dr. Joao says that time isn't actually a constant and that it is slowing down. The good thing about time is, science-fiction movies aside, it isn't really a dimension so we can get a handle on it pretty easily by using math. Time is just a change in position of an object in the three dimensions. To give you the 10-second primer on why time travel is impossible, look at it like this. The earth is spinning at just over 1000 miles per hour - that's the estimate of a 25,000 mile circumferance planet turning once in 24 hours. On top of that the earth is revolving around the sun at 67,000 miles per hour. And the sun is revolving around ... well, you get the idea. To travel back in time would mean you have to travel back to a place that is moving at an incredible rate of speed and has been doing so constantly since the universe began. Could I do the math to calculate where I would have to be? Sure. In my head. But that doesn't mean I can create a device to actually do it. Because reaching that speed is impossible for a whole list of other reasons. But anyway, back to this speed-of-light-as-a-constant thing. We can't go back in time but we can see back in time, because we can measure the distance of a far-away object and examine what we are viewing. If you look up at the stars tonight you're mostly seeing them as they were when Jesus was born. It just took 2000 years to get to your eyes. What does it take to look all the way back to the beginning of time? A honkin' big telescope. One bigger than my ego, if you can imagine that. They didn't name it the Honkin' Big Telescope, though that would have been cool. They called it The Very Large Telescope and it is at the Paranal Observatory in northern Chile. So right now they are looking at the biggest brightest quasar they can see, as close to the beginning of 'time' as we can go. And the results will tell us if Dr. Joao is a crackpot. The good news is, even if he's right, light isn't slowing down by much. You still have billions of years to read my blog. But the E=MC^2 is a problem. If light isn't a constant then neither is energy and mass. And that's a blog for another time.

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn Split Up Sure, I know, it's only some piece of gossip started to grab headlines but that's what the internet is for; to propagate unfounded rumors until they take on a life of their own. I am just doing my part. Apparently the news that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have conceived a child has unnerved her and it has caused some real friction between Aniston and Vaughn. Well, duh. Anyway, what did she expect? They split up because she didn't want kids, right? She wanted to work on whatever she calls her career. He's Brad Pitt ... she's about as hot as an assistant manager I could pick up at any Gap store in the mall. That's why I won't even bother to put up her picture. That, plus I think an angel dies every time someone looks at her and Halle Berry on the same web page. I can help, Jennifer. I am already willing to impregnate Halle Berry so I can do the same thing for you too. You messed up with Brad Pitt. Don't make the same mistake with me.

Halle Berry Wants To Have My Baby

By the time she's 40, no less. I want her to have my baby by the time she's 40. This doesn't give me a lot of time. So she can have my baby and I can look at her every day while I try to impregnate her. Though with my luck my super sperm would do the job right away. She's dating some ridiculous male model but all I have to do to replace him is ... wait for it, wait for it ... yes, all I have to do is lose some muscle mass and shrink my enormous penis. I hope the wait was worth it.

Some Guy Who Used To Be Married To Jessica Simpson Is Sensitive Just Like Me I was genuinely touched when I read that Nick Lachey is scared of his emotions. I think he's a complete idiot for not being happy with a girl who can sing, is famous for being hot and pretty much saved herself for him but to each his own. And I'm incredibly disappointed that the only kinky thing he could think of to do with her was wear her shoes. But even he thinks he may have been too soft for Jessica. She pretty much looks like this so soft isn't something that probably comes to mind for most heterosexual men: She doesn't do anything for me, of course. If you saw my chick, you would cry. Or your penis would explode. But anyway, Lachey says, "I'm typically an overly sensitive person, I lay my heart out there too often. I've never been shy about crying. Sometimes we're so scared of our emotions that we rob ourselves." Are you friggin' kidding me? No wonder she fooled around with Johnny Knoxville on The Dukes Of Hazzard set. Okay, okay, before I get a lot of emails about being hard on the kid, I'll retract some of my jeering. Hey, I am sensitive too, people. I have cried - twice. Once at the end of Ole Yeller when he dies and once when my chick yelled at me for sleeping with her sister. But I eventually forgave her for that. So I am sensitive and I can let go of the hurt.

Tom Cruise Has The Perfect Gift For Katie Holmes I don't know what you would be thinking if your actor boyfriend gave you a gift that was actually just a DVD collection of every movie he ever made but Katie Holmes has to be crawling out of her skin just about now. No promise of a movie career could be worth this. We already know he controls her like some deranged puppet master but I am okay with that. Controlling a younger woman like a deranged puppet master actually sounds kinda hot. But giving her a gift of movies I made is where even I would draw the line. It sounds like the kind of attention-whoring ego stroke that surpasses even my ability to comprehend it. And I am some kind of needy attention whore, believe me. Of course, the only movies I have made were pretty much done with hidden cameras in my bedroom so I suspect my chick doesn't even want to know she is in them much less get a whole collection of the women who came before her.

Kate Beckinsale Wants You To Know She Has a Big Butt Too I imagine there are a lot of women out there breathing a sigh of relief reading that. 'Wow, Kate Beckinsale is just like me because some days I feel like I have a big ass' - except those women actually do have a big ass. It's the sort of pandering, made-for-video-clip condescension blazing hot women have to give to dumpy spinsters who watch their movies. Like Jessica Simpson claiming she started making clothes for fat women because they told her they were like her - on the inside. But it's worse than that. Kate Beckinsale is really in some pain here. There are days when she just can't get out of bed because her butt looks too big. Now, I had chance to play the Astro-Glide sexual lubricant video game with this girl and I can assure you she is not fat. But she is insecure. Telling her she had teeth like Bugs Bunny and watching her throw herself at me after that was all the proof I needed. "I guess when you become an actress you hope those fat ass days will go away, but of course, they don't," Kate Beckinsale said. And I imagine she had a heck of a time getting in her skin-tight latex catsuit for Underworld: Evolution too.

Paris Hilton Won't Strip For Playboy When I first saw the headline and read that Paris Hilton was too 'proper' for Playboy I almost shot my coffee across my desk. And these Keurig pods cost me $.40 each so I am not usually wasting any of it. But there it is, in black and white, so it must be true. Like everything on this blog. She says Hugh Hefner has asked her 'a million times' to get naked for his magazine ( which sounds like a lot ) but that she'll never do it. Does this not make sense to you? Is this girl famous for anything other than making sex videos with various boyfriends? Well, here in California she is also famous for going down on a Carl's hamburger in one of their commercials but all that did was make me an In-N-Out Burger fan. So I Googled 'paris hilton nude' just for fun and within 0.26 seconds it came back with 38,000,000 hits. Now, I am usually all for skinny, naked women. Especially skinny naked women with IQs somewhere below that of a sock monkey. But even I have my limits and I respect you all too much to show any of those pictures here. Yet even looking away quickly, before my eyes rebelled and tore themselves out of their sockets, I saw a girl who looks like a life-sized cartoon cricket. And a girl who’s naked all the damn time. So just to do a reality check I looked out my office window and there she was, naked in my parking lot, trying to distract me from writing that she looks like a friend of Pinocchio's. So why she claims she won't get naked for Hugh is beyond my comprehension.

Gillian Anderson Goes Nutso If you're like me, you have a hard time remembering who Gillian Anderson is. If you look at her picture in the article you might recall she was the smart one on "The X-Files." I don't even bother to post a pic of her because I actually can't find one where she looks hot on all of Google. That's right, Google. The biggest search engine in the universe. 2000 hits on 'queso fresco cheese' recipes but nothing on 'gillian anderson hot.' Speaking of nothing; nothing gets better than d-list actresses on the downside of their careers getting drunk and going apeshit in the small confines of a commercial airline. Apparently some guy is there with his family and Gillian didn't like the cut of his jib because at one point she tears off his headphones in an intoxicated rage and yelled at him for watching a movie while his wife took care of the kid. So they moved her to a different seat where she covered herself in a blanket and cried for an hour because no one recognized her. Now, there is a joke about that in here somewhere but I am not feeling like a very enlightened Buddha today - though I am most days - so I am missing it. Look for a funny edit later. Still, the whole purpose of this blog is to make you laugh. And the easiest way to get a laugh and still not be enlightened is to use a photo of Buddha in a cheap gag on my blog:

Worth Noting A vampire is running for Governor of Minnesota. If you've never seen a convicted criminal impaled outside the Governor's mansion, you owe it to yourself to move to MN and register to vote. China claims to have discovered America. These people have barely discovered indoor plumbing. New source of global warming discovered and ... it's plants! It should be a lot of fun watching environmentalists blame Bush for too many plants. The search is on to pick The Seven Wonders of the Modern World. Guess how many I have already visited?* French artists piss off a lot of people. This guy is so upset he literally peed on a Duchamp 'classic.' Imogen Heap is in Frisco January 26th. if you've never listened, you owe it to yourself. *Answer to how many I have visited: 6

Nothing Says Super Bowl Season Like An NFL Drag Queen - Or A Desperate Housewife The last bastion of manliness left in America is the sport where guys in super-tight pants tackle each other in big piles of muscular flesh on lush green grass in front of thousands of other men and then slap each other on the behind, so I sure as heckfire don't like hearing about a former NFL player's life of gay prostitution and cross-dressing, but there it is. I had no idea who Roy Simmons was before I read about his 'coming out' tale of debauchery and man-love and I am pretty sure I could have lived a life of quiet comfort without knowing any of this at all. Cheap prostitution, drugs, attempted murder ... I might as well watch Desperate Housewives. And there's one of them now. Felicity Huffman won't let me down, right? Oh wait, she is the mannish one on the show, not the young hot one or the older, ditzy, hot one or the repressed hot one who just needs the right man to peel her like a grape and ... ... whoops. Sorry about that. Anyway, I was always convinced that seeing Felicity Huffman's naked ice queen body would result in my penis falling off and learning she wore a flaccid prosthetic penis for fun during filming of her upcoming movie TransAmerica didn't do a lot to change my mind. Can anyone make a normal movie any more? Like a romantic comedy? Get Over It, for example. Now that is one flawless movie. And Vitamin C is in it and looking pretty snappy, so at least she didn't get all fat where I'd have to be embarrassed about having her throw herself at me during the shooting of her "Smile" video. So I can't be sure of it, but after reading about cross-dressing she-men and then a gay NFL player touching man-junk for money, I felt like my soul contracted an STD. To make myself feel better I had to go have another look at what some claim is the hottest butt on the internet. I may not agree but she's the best you're going to get.

Why I Get Twice As Much Sex As You This study says that TV in the bedroom cuts the sex life in half. Now, this is an Italian study so maybe that skews the results. Italian men only want to have sex with someone else's wife. And Italian women? Don't get me started. If I had to have sex with Italian women, my sex life would be cut in half too. Unless it is Monica Bellucci. And then it would be something like 8X. But it seems to make sense. No TV equals fewer distractions and more boredom. And I need all the help I can get keeping my woman interested. So hidden cameras, yes. TVs, no.

Ali G Pulls The Greatest Prank Ever I knew the guy was good. Heck, he got James Lipton to seem hip. And his show cracks me up. Like that time he made Ralph Nader's temple throb. But no one could have predicted his greatest stunt would be going to the Winter Olympics - in figure skating. But there it was in big, bold headlines on ESPN. "Sasha Cohen Wins The US Figure Skating Championships." And that is some darn good makeup. Check this out. He looks pretty convincing, doesn't he? Now, I know US figure skating is all about reputation, money and appearance rather than skill - that explains how Michelle Kwan got in again. But I assumed there would at least be some testing or performance involved for everyone except Michelle Kwan. But, no, they just heard the name and figured that Ali G must be qualified in order to be there at all and let him bluff his way right through to first place. Oh, wait. Oops. Ali G is Sasha Baron Cohen. My bad.

February In Detroit There are some who have maintained my faith in the Pittsburgh Steelers borders on the irrational. I am a scientist, people. So I know what I'm talking about when it comes to sports. And I have discussed previously why they are the greatest team in the NFL. These people also know I have tickets to the Super Bowl in Detroit and why it will be fun to visit Canada while I am there. I have planned my whole work schedule around this game. Need to visit Japan? I am flying out during the off week and returning in plenty of time. And football isn't even my favorite sport. Imagine me this summer at the World Cup in Munich if the Germans will lighten up on their rules a little. Yeah, it will be a lot of fun. So you're welcome to join me. But be forewarned; I'll be the guy wearing this shirt.

Remaking A Classic I'm not one of those namby-pamby types who thinks that good movies can never be remade but I have to confess at least some hesitation that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are re-making Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It's an interesting idea. Those two have more personal chemistry than Redford and Newman had and Newman had more success at that point in his career but Damon is in Redford's league circa 1969. Why bother to bring up something like this? Well, I am a huge William Goldman fan and it's due to films like Butch Cassidy and The Princess Bride. Word at the time was that the Weinstein's brought in Goldman, long known as the master of cleaning up scripts in trouble, as an uncredited screenwriter on Good Will Hunting. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon ended up getting an Academy Award for writing that movie. Yeah, writing. Output since then for both of those guys? Nothing. Goldman, always a good soldier, denied doing anything to "Good Will" other than meeting with them for a few days and offering some advice. It still looks fishy to me. Those guys play off their non-writing production since then by saying 'we had to write a script to get work as actors and we don't have that problem now.' Ben Affleck sure knows a lot about good scripts - he was in Reindeer Games, after all. If you look at the credits for "Good Will Hunting" all it says about him is "William Goldman ... thanks." Goldman is in his mid-70s and got paid for "Butch Cassidy" a long time ago so they could do whatever they want with it and still list him as the writer. Which would be the sort of bizarre ironic twist I love.

Ultraviolet Milla Jovovich. Skin-tight black leather. With maybe the coolest action director of the decade. Ultraviolet. 'Nuff said. Yeah, it's about vampires too but it actually isn't a film version of the most cool BBC "Ultraviolet" series..

Some Achievments Are Too Important Not To Mention I told you Friday the 13th would be a lucky day. First, I got a laugh out of the idea that the American military spent a million dollars training me to be an Army officer when it turns out all we needed to defeat the Soviets was to bomb their vodka factories. But that wasn't even the best part. It's always fun to learn that an angry Sienna Miller, not exactly the most stable of Hollywood b-list actresses on her best day, has threatened the Nanny that Jude Law cheated on her with -- reaffirming her position as the hottest crazy lady around. And I do love me some crazy ladies. Then I re-discovered this Alizee video in my saves folder. Because the girl can actually sing and has an unnatural fixation with showing her underwear to strangers, which is entertaining all on its own. Oddly, I'd have dumped her in a minute for doing that if I could ever have brought myself to liking someone that young. Welcome to the world of men.

Apparently There Was An Awards Show I'll tell you right up front I have no idea what the People's Choice Awards are and I have never seen it, but Jesus H. Double-Barrelled Christ I am going to download more pictures from it. I don't care how dumb she is -- and apparently she is quite dumb -- if Jessica Simpson will dress up in that outfit and put that cool Captain America looking thing in the background, she can call my penis Chicken of the Sea for all I care. But enough about the confusion Jessica Simpson's simultaneous stupidity and hotness causes to my penis. Feist has announced tour dates for North America and I am keen on attending. In useless information you currently don't care about, there will be a sequel to the rather crappy Ashton Kutcher movie "The Butterfly Effect." But why should you care? Because it has Erica Durance, which is apparently the real name of the girl who plays Lois Lane on "Smallville" and she pretty much looks like this: Note the red, white and blue symbology that caught my eye again. Jessica Simpson with a Captain America shield and all-American icon Superman's girlfriend in a star-spangled yummy outfit. It's going to be a great Friday the 13th.

Man Sues Internet Chat Room Pals Seriously, people. If you're going to be a fat, bald, old guy hanging out in chat rooms - wait, if you're going to be anyone hanging out in chat rooms - at least have the dignity and self-worth not to take it too seriously. But no, this particular fat old guy says he was humiliated and deserves to sue. He further says he suffered "severe emotional distress and physical injury that is of a nature no reasonable man could be expected to endure it." I don't know what 'physical injury' means, unless it is supposed to mean injuring himself while bending over trying to pull up his pants after helpful cool chatters robbed him of his dignity and his lunch money. It just makes no sense to insist you can't be humiliated in chat room. Are you not aware that fat girls putting up fake pictures to seduce fat creepy men putting up fake pictures is the whole reason for the game? It's like some old guy in California insisting he is too old and sick to die for his crimes. Or that, surprise, obese people actually like eating and don't want to lose weight. Well, they may want to lose weight, they just don't want to eat less to do it. So I'll spend some time replaying last night's "Dancing With The Stars" episode. Why? Because Stacy Kiebler totally ruled in it: Actually, after seeing that picture it makes no sense that fat people don't want to lose weight. Though I can understand the eating thing. Who wouldn't want to ingest 6,000 calories a day and still look like Stacy? The study was in England, so maybe they just figure they have no chance of being attractive anyway.

Those Pesky Internet Sex Tapes Imagine my shock when I read through my RSS newsfeeds and emails this morning and saw something about an internet sex tape in BIG BOLD LETTERS. I'm busted, I thought. The big question was which one of the lying hussies who promised they loved me and would NEVER share such a thing opted to make a quick buck by capitalizing on the fame of my blog. Turns out it was Colin Farrell on that tape and not me, so I felt some relief. His tape will probably sell a little better too. But on the small chance this isn't a publicity stunt - after all, yet another celebrity sex tape isn't exactly news - he should know he can get some money in court for it. $35,000 even. That's a lot of money to drunken Irishmen. If you'd like to see a preview of what I would look like if I got short, lost muscle mass and shrunk my enormous penis, check out Colin Farrell and some anonymous Playboy chick here. Watching Colin Farrell look like a heroin-chic skank didn't do a lot for my libido, but then I got a message from Kate Moss telling me she didn't give me an STD of any kind and that I should probably ignore rumors that she and Lindsey Lohan were involved in some kind of public lesbian escapade at Scores. Ignore them? Heck, I am tickled to death. Since Angelina Jolie is pregnant I needed someone else to do a threesome with me and Lindsey Lohan and Kate Moss already knows I am a little deviant. Lastly, can someone explain to me why Heath Ledger thinks everyone should be gay? I have some news for Heath. Stick to making crappy movies. And heed my advice on how to make Brokeback Mountain a lot funnier. Not that I have anything against gay cowboy movies foisted off on us by pretentious Hollywood types who then insist we have a public duty to make them rich, but I keep going back to that Kate Moss/Lindsey Lohan thing. The last time I made an offer to share my sweet lovin' with two trampy pseudo-celebrities the reaction went like this:

Angelina Jolie Is Apparently The Greatest Lay Of All Time It's one thing to leave your wife for another woman. That happens on occasion. Sometimes you even marry the other woman. That really hasn't happened with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie yet, unless you count some bizarre Buddhist ceremony which means nothing to anyone, including them. But I have never, ever, ever heard of leaving your wife for another woman, not marrying her, adopting her adopted children anyway ... and then reserving space with her on Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic space ship. Which will maybe take off in 2010. This girl's vagina must be a block of cocaine surrounded by diamond-encrusted tiaras. Or I just don't get it. Sure, I nailed her during the filming of Cyborg 2 but I don't remember it being anything all crazy like that. Brad Pitt is just in some confused zombie haze. I guess I have had that happen, and the recent 23rd annual Adult Video News (AVN) Awards reminded me of those days, because it was a few years ago at that same event when I spent an entire weekend getting hit on by Janine Lindemulder. I am telling you, the girl is a junkyard dog when it comes to getting a man she wants. But I just couldn't date a porn star. I mean, I get insecure if my chick doesn't tell me she loves me for, like, 8 minutes. Porn stars want to sleep with other men and have you like it. "I'm just a dildo with a pulse to you, aren't I?" I asked her when she was trying to canoodle me. "And a big paycheck," she replied. "Plus, you look great in a suit." Well, compliments always work ... but I had to address that whole sex-with-other-men thing. "It's just my job," she said, "I don't get jealous about the women you work with." Granted, but the women I work with aren't wearing four-inch heels and bodice-busting implants. And they're all Chinese. Or something. So Janine didn't get anywhere and I don't have a rational explanation for why, any more than I can explain why the Pioneer 10 and 11 space probes are speeding up more than 30 years after they were launched. Or why a German cannibal who ate another man he met on the internet felt exploited because a movie is being made about it. Talk about being exploited and abusing the internet. I know what the internet is for and it isn't for eating other people. It's for making fun of fat kids in France and wondering why I am not Buddha yet. Because if you think it's to pick up chicks, you'd better watch the "Hard Candy" trailer. Even this preview scared the bejeesus out of me.

Learning New Technology

I have a maid but what none of you may know is that she's French. And she wears those little French outfits. I don't know why, it's not like I am ever there when she cleans the place. Aside from turning on the Roomba and watching it go I am not sure what she does, but it isn't easy finding a French maid in California so I don't complain. Whatever else she happens to do while sitting in front of my TV and watching my robots clean must involve my computer because she is a pretty savvy computer geek. I asked her how to do a video pod cast and this is what I got in my email. At least her podcast knowledge explains the outfits. It was good timing because I wanted to create a video about the effects of magnetism on the human body only to discover some dumb doctors think electricity isn't how our bodies work. I know a lot of doctors and, honestly, I wouldn't even let most of them change the oil in my car much less touch my body, no matter how smart they look on TV. Having one of them tell me that magnets don't impact the human body is about as relevant as having a ballet student dance about a Rembrandt painting. So after seeing that video my day only got weirder because I scored just 9 out of 10 correct on the world capitals quiz. I missed the capital of Canada of all things. But you already know what I think about Canadians. And by Canadians I mean women. Because I think all the men left. So then I read some news and wished my chick would learn how to paint with her nipples like that large woman in Australia. Heck, I wish she would let me see her nipples. But she ain't my sex slave. If I want one of those I have to be a Canadian and go to Nairobi where apparently they are happy to study prostitutes who can't get AIDS rather than giving them a job that doesn't involve being a grandmother and a prostitute. Yay Canada. So with just a few minutes to go until the Steelers game -- and we already know why they are the greatest team in the NFL -- it's time to settle in with a bag of Cheez-Doodles and a Coke. Painted nipples optional. And during half-time I can wonder why the only kinky thing Nick Lachey could find to do with Jessica Simpson was wear her friggin' shoes. I mean, it's Jessica Simpson. We know she has no butt but even without it she still looks like this:

We're lucky to have Italians Not just because of Monica Bellucci either, though that's a pretty good reason. We're lucky to have Italians because without them I wouldn't be able to spend two days creating a timpano every year, and it just wouldn't be Christmas. But even more important than that, since I brought up Jesus and food in the same paragraph, is that Italians gave birth to Italian courts and Italian courts have decided they will figured out, once and for all, whether Jesus really existed or not. Take two schoolboys who were seminarians together and age them 60 years. One became a Priest and one quit seminary and became an atheist. They both can't shut up about it. Hilarity ensues. This could end up being a Dan Brown Novel. Only with a more realistic plot than feminine goddess conspiracy theories and Leonardo Da Vinci being so gay that only art historians can save the world. Or whatever that book was about. However, they made sure I will see the movie version by getting Audrey Tautou to be in it. I swear it took me a whole bottle of AstroGlide just to get through Amelie. She was that good. Now, there are obviously more important things I should be writing about. I can never get enough of explosions on the moon or bandits on golf carts stealing pot roasts, but it's Friday and I never eat meat on Fridays, so pot roast blogs would be too much for me. And the only explosion I want to think about involves Audrey Tautou Jaime Pressly Jessica Alba (insert your name here) - get it right or you're sleeping alone - Sweety. So help me out here. If the Italian courts decide Jesus existed, what did he blog about?