Nothing Says Super Bowl Season Like An NFL Drag Queen - Or A Desperate Housewife The last bastion of manliness left in America is the sport where guys in super-tight pants tackle each other in big piles of muscular flesh on lush green grass in front of thousands of other men and then slap each other on the behind, so I sure as heckfire don't like hearing about a former NFL player's life of gay prostitution and cross-dressing, but there it is. I had no idea who Roy Simmons was before I read about his 'coming out' tale of debauchery and man-love and I am pretty sure I could have lived a life of quiet comfort without knowing any of this at all. Cheap prostitution, drugs, attempted murder ... I might as well watch Desperate Housewives. And there's one of them now. Felicity Huffman won't let me down, right? Oh wait, she is the mannish one on the show, not the young hot one or the older, ditzy, hot one or the repressed hot one who just needs the right man to peel her like a grape and ... ... whoops. Sorry about that. Anyway, I was always convinced that seeing Felicity Huffman's naked ice queen body would result in my penis falling off and learning she wore a flaccid prosthetic penis for fun during filming of her upcoming movie TransAmerica didn't do a lot to change my mind. Can anyone make a normal movie any more? Like a romantic comedy? Get Over It, for example. Now that is one flawless movie. And Vitamin C is in it and looking pretty snappy, so at least she didn't get all fat where I'd have to be embarrassed about having her throw herself at me during the shooting of her "Smile" video. So I can't be sure of it, but after reading about cross-dressing she-men and then a gay NFL player touching man-junk for money, I felt like my soul contracted an STD. To make myself feel better I had to go have another look at what some claim is the hottest butt on the internet. I may not agree but she's the best you're going to get.