Girls Give Hope To Ugly Guys Everywhere Part VI

Science articles, even in the casual world of the internet, take a great deal of research. It's not always easy making science look easy. As all of you know, my articles are meticulously detailed, well thought out and ergonomically terrific in almost every way. That doesn't happen by accident. But sometimes revelations for new articles happen by accident, like when I am researching something else. While I was researching the most important article in the history of the internet I decided, in the interests of maintaining my impeccable credentials, that I needed a picture of a hot girl in a river. I keep a substantial folder of supermodel endorsements and pictures for occasions like this. But I didn't have girls that fish so it took some time. And then I stumbled across this picture: And the happy accident came to me - because women have proved, once again, that they are intellectually and emotional on a different level than men. Namely, because they will date some really ugly guys. You may have missed Part 1, where I talked about Christina Aguilera marrying a guy so ugly that even with my five medical degrees I can't figure out what's wrong with his teeth. In Part 2 I discussed Evangline Lilly getting engaged to a Hobbit, Part 3 had me trying to figure out how the druggie from Friends was nailing Piper Perabo and Part 4 had me back to Christina because she looked even hotter and he looked even sillier next to her. Those were all outrageous examples of well-meaning women not caring enough about the looks of their men - and we want to discourage that kind of progressive thinking - but then we hit Part V, where David Spade and Heather Locklear took this to some higher level of insanity. Still, even a guy the size of my forearm like David Spade being with Heather Locklear didn't prepare me for the shock of seeing 5'10" tall, platinum-blonde, blue-eyed best-thing-to-come-from-Sweden-ever Victoria Silvstedt with ... wait, who is this guy? I thought she was married. Okay, maybe she got divorced. So that's why I interrupted my usual science humor to write Part VI, because some things cannot be explained by science, like why I am eating protein shakes and writing with the dark humor of Pynchon to stay attractive to women(me - LS) and it turns out all I needed was a penis made of heroin-laced chocolate. Or whatever that guy must have to get Victoria Silvstedt. Yeah, but who wouldn't? You can call her enlightened if you want. You can call her the opposite of shallow if it helps. She could call herself the Emperor of Nebraska and if anybody doubted her she could just whip out her picture and say, "If I'm not the Emperor of Nebraska, then why do I look this friggin' hot?" And then everybody would shake their heads in awe and mutter amongst themselves that she must be the Emperor of Nebraska. Seriously, can someone explain why I am writing this article and he is throwing Victoria Silvstedt around a Motel 6?