Go Green By Switching To Fruit Power

It confuses some people that I can be an environmentalist and a Republican. It's confusing because Democrats are handed a checklist of "coalition of the oppressed" platforms they have to believe in, so they don't understand picking and choosing positions based on logic and common sense. Republicans don't much care if you are for ice-picking fetus skulls or paying high taxes, as long as you have an oil well in your backyard and all of your TV channels parent-blocked except Fox News. Republicans have a pretty big umbrella that way, mostly because rich white guys can only buy so many votes and thus they have to broaden their appeal. Don't write me emails about this girl in the picture. For left wing chicks, this is the best you're getting. So people are confused that I can think Al Gore is an opportunistic shill mobilizing the left with deceit and still care about good old Mama Earth. Well, I do, but instead of asking someone to nationalize Exxon or fly airplanes all over the world telling people they should ride bicycles, I do practical things. Small differences add up to big effects. And I can show you how to make a difference too. Everyone likes to talk about making a difference but no one is really sure what works. Carbon credits? Scam. Carbon offsets? Scam, only liable to make you rich, so worthy of consideration. But while you get rich selling carbon offsets to suckers on Craigs List, how can you legitimately lower your carbon footprint yet maintain the decadent western lifestyle you've come to enjoy? The answer is simple, my fellow environmentalists: fruit power. Electricity, you see, doesn't have to be generated using smoke-belching coal-fired plants. It can also be generated using nuclear power, a key reason why the French picked CO2 to be the global warming culprit instead of methane, which they generate in substantial quantity, or using wind power and even ocean waves. The French solution to air pollution Electricity can also be generated chemically, like in batteries. But ordinary batteries use things like sulfuric acid and even in diluted quantities it can melt your skin and make you sterile so it's probably better not to mess with it. The answer to generating delicious electricity while enjoying Mother Nature's awesome goodness is the magic of electrolytes. An electrolyte is basically something with some free ions hanging around that can conduct electricity, like an acid or a base. Sulfuric acid is really, really acidic which is why it's in batteries but lots of ordinary foods have enough acid to do what we want if they are properly motivated, including many fruits. One of the best fruits to use is a lemon, because it is high in acidity. Because it is high in acidity it can react quite well with an active metal, like zinc, and that reaction can produce electricity for you. If you ever built something like this from a science kit, they talk in mumbo jumbo about 'zinc electrodes' and 'copper electrodes' and what not. I don't have 'zinc electrodes' around the house. I don't even have any lemons. What I did have was a few pennies, some aluminum foil, a battery powered stopwatch and apples. Make electrical juice from your apple juice It's easier than you think. For this LCD stopwatch I used: 4 pennies 2 apples 4 wires with alligator clips - okay, I did have those and you might not but any copper wire will do. 4 squares of aluminum foil, each the size of the face of an apple. 1) Cut the apples in half. Put each half face down on the aluminum foil. 2) Insert a penny in the top of each apple section. 3) Run a piece of wire from the penny of the apple on your far left to the + terminal inside the stopwatch. 4) Run a piece of wire from the aluminum foil on the apple piece of your far right to the - terminal inside the stopwatch. Astute conservatives will recognize the May 14th issue of NATIONAL REVIEW. 5) Run a wire from the aluminum foil of that first apple to the to the penny on the next one and repeat those connections until they are all connected to each other. If you haven't messed this up, your stopwatch will be lit. If you have messed this up, you probably shouldn't be allowed around a campfire singing "Kumbaya" ( Democrats ) or around firearms ( Republicans ). So now I am generating electricity with no carbon footprint at all. The problem is doing anything requiring more than 1.5 volts is going to take a lot of apples wired in series, so as you can see in the picture of my new menu below, I have had to make some dietary changes. It's just one of the many sacrifices I have to make to cure global warming.