Angelina Jolie Is Apparently The Greatest Lay Of All Time
It's one thing to leave your wife for another woman. That happens on occasion. Sometimes you even marry the other woman. That really hasn't happened with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie yet, unless you count some bizarre Buddhist ceremony which means nothing to anyone, including them. But I have never, ever, ever heard of leaving your wife for another woman, not marrying her, adopting her adopted children anyway ... and then reserving space with her on Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic space ship. Which will maybe take off in 2010.
This girl's vagina must be a block of cocaine surrounded by diamond-encrusted tiaras. Or I just don't get it. Sure, I nailed her during the filming of Cyborg 2 but I don't remember it being anything all crazy like that.
Brad Pitt is just in some confused zombie haze. I guess I have had that happen, and the recent 23rd annual Adult Video News (AVN) Awards reminded me of those days, because it was a few years ago at that same event when I spent an entire weekend getting hit on by Janine Lindemulder. I am telling you, the girl is a junkyard dog when it comes to getting a man she wants. But I just couldn't date a porn star. I mean, I get insecure if my chick doesn't tell me she loves me for, like, 8 minutes. Porn stars want to sleep with other men and have you like it.
"I'm just a dildo with a pulse to you, aren't I?" I asked her when she was trying to canoodle me.
"And a big paycheck," she replied. "Plus, you look great in a suit."
Well, compliments always work ... but I had to address that whole sex-with-other-men thing.
"It's just my job," she said, "I don't get jealous about the women you work with."
Granted, but the women I work with aren't wearing four-inch heels and bodice-busting implants. And they're all Chinese. Or something.
So Janine didn't get anywhere and I don't have a rational explanation for why, any more than I can explain why the Pioneer 10 and 11 space probes are speeding up more than 30 years after they were launched. Or why a German cannibal who ate another man he met on the internet felt exploited because a movie is being made about it.
Talk about being exploited and abusing the internet. I know what the internet is for and it isn't for eating other people. It's for making fun of fat kids in France and wondering why I am not Buddha yet.
Because if you think it's to pick up chicks, you'd better watch the "Hard Candy" trailer. Even this preview scared the bejeesus out of me.