Those Pesky Internet Sex Tapes
Imagine my shock when I read through my RSS newsfeeds and emails this morning and saw something about an internet sex tape in BIG BOLD LETTERS.
I'm busted, I thought. The big question was which one of the lying hussies who promised they loved me and would NEVER share such a thing opted to make a quick buck by capitalizing on the fame of my blog. Turns out it was Colin Farrell on that tape and not me, so I felt some relief. His tape will probably sell a little better too. But on the small chance this isn't a publicity stunt - after all, yet another celebrity sex tape isn't exactly news - he should know he can get some money in court for it. $35,000 even. That's a lot of money to drunken Irishmen. If you'd like to see a preview of what I would look like if I got short, lost muscle mass and shrunk my enormous penis, check out Colin Farrell and some anonymous Playboy chick here.
Watching Colin Farrell look like a heroin-chic skank didn't do a lot for my libido, but then I got a message from Kate Moss telling me she didn't give me an STD of any kind and that I should probably ignore rumors that she and Lindsey Lohan were involved in some kind of public lesbian escapade at Scores. Ignore them? Heck, I am tickled to death. Since Angelina Jolie is pregnant I needed someone else to do a threesome with me and Lindsey Lohan and Kate Moss already knows I am a little deviant.
Lastly, can someone explain to me why Heath Ledger thinks everyone should be gay? I have some news for Heath. Stick to making crappy movies. And heed my advice on how to make Brokeback Mountain a lot funnier.
Not that I have anything against gay cowboy movies foisted off on us by pretentious Hollywood types who then insist we have a public duty to make them rich, but I keep going back to that Kate Moss/Lindsey Lohan thing. The last time I made an offer to share my sweet lovin' with two trampy pseudo-celebrities the reaction went like this: