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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Those Pesky Internet Sex Tapes



Imagine my shock when I read through my RSS newsfeeds and emails this morning and saw something about an internet sex tape in BIG BOLD LETTERS.

I'm busted, I thought. The big question was which one of the lying hussies who promised they loved me and would NEVER share such a thing opted to make a quick buck by capitalizing on the fame of my blog. Turns out it was Colin Farrell on that tape and not me, so I felt some relief. His tape will probably sell a little better too. But on the small chance this isn't a publicity stunt - after all, yet another celebrity sex tape isn't exactly news - he should know he can get some money in court for it. $35,000 even. That's a lot of money to drunken Irishmen. If you'd like to see a preview of what I would look like if I got short, lost muscle mass and shrunk my enormous penis, check out Colin Farrell and some anonymous Playboy chick here.

Watching Colin Farrell look like a heroin-chic skank didn't do a lot for my libido, but then I got a message from Kate Moss telling me she didn't give me an STD of any kind and that I should probably ignore rumors that she and Lindsey Lohan were involved in some kind of public lesbian escapade at Scores. Ignore them? Heck, I am tickled to death. Since Angelina Jolie is pregnant I needed someone else to do a threesome with me and Lindsey Lohan and Kate Moss already knows I am a little deviant.

Lastly, can someone explain to me why Heath Ledger thinks everyone should be gay? I have some news for Heath. Stick to making crappy movies. And heed my advice on how to make Brokeback Mountain a lot funnier.

Not that I have anything against gay cowboy movies foisted off on us by pretentious Hollywood types who then insist we have a public duty to make them rich, but I keep going back to that Kate Moss/Lindsey Lohan thing. The last time I made an offer to share my sweet lovin' with two trampy pseudo-celebrities the reaction went like this:

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