Salma Hayek Is Worried About My Weight Or at least she says she is. I think she's just afraid of competition and if you are not hot, her job is a lot easier. The last thing the world needs is Salma Hayek giving us her opinion on body image. The first thing the world needs? Video footage of Salma Hayek sawing people up with a chain saw. I'd pay to see that. Oh, and maybe a cure for cancer. That might be nice too. So I don't take advice from Salma Hayek on body image and neither should you. Why? Because she looks like this: Now, is she hot? Not really. Latin girls are a step above Asians but not by much. Still, she's not horrifically ugly either. And she's way better than that J-Lo person. So she secretly wants you to stay fat so you will admire and respect her and I bet you'd rather be hot. I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness so do you want to know the secret to weight loss? Crack. Yep, I guarantee if you spend all of your money on crack you'll be unemployed and not eat and you will lose weight. The problem is that crack is getting more difficult to buy. Why? Because the government is in on the take now. In Tennessee they have implemented a crack tax on illegal drug dealers. That's right, if you get busted selling drugs in Tennessee not only have you committed a crime, they get you for not paying your taxes either. It baffles me how these guys have to pay taxes on earnings they can't report because their trade is illegal, but I'm not a government official so I have poor grasp of things I know nothing about. It's only a matter of time before this madness spreads to all 50 states. Then people will stop selling crack which means people will stop buying crack and you'll all get fat. But Tennessee made $2 million the first year of doing it. So who's the dummy now?