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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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American Idol Hates Gay People



You mean Simon Cowell isn't gay? Why the hell does he buy his t-shirts from Baby Gap then? I have never seen a heterosexual man wear such tight t-shirts, especially with the man-breasts he is sporting. But anyway, it seems officials in the Gay And Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) were appalled at the homophobia demonstrated by judges Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell in the first episode of the new season.

Now, I just happened to see the first episode of American Idol this season and I don't remember the homophobic remarks but that's probably because I am homophobic and hate people if Simon Cowell or Eminem tells me I should. What I do remember is their astonishment that one contestant revealed himself a boy and claimed to be surprised that people often thought 'he' was a girl. Maybe it was his thin frame and the fact that he was wearing a tight girl's blouse and had a girl's haircut and pretty much did everything he could to look like a girl. Let's face it, if I go to Disney World and see a guy in a Tigger costume, I don't assume he is a real tiger. So you have to look pretty darn convincing to fool me. And I was fooled.

So this rejected contestant couldn't sing for beans but advocates insist it was the questionable gender that kept him/her off the show. The rejected contestant is, thanks to Google, Zachary Travis. You're in luck because I found a picture:

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Seriously people. Did you not think this was a girl? Anyway, this is American Idol. Insulting contestants is what they do. Like this blog. You think I won't make fun of Kate Moss for canoodling with Jack Osbourne just because he's a fat dork riding his father's fame to d-list celebrity status? Is there a Dork Defamation League that will come after me?

Should I not make fun of someone named Rachel Hunter for lamenting that all the handsome men she meets are married when it turns out she is rich because she was married to Rod Stewart. So she is rich and once thought Rod Stewart was handsome and can't find a date? I can walk into any bowling alley in America and find guys better looking than Rod Stewart. I think Rachel Hunter just wants publicity the same way Uma Thurman once said she was available if guys wanted to ask her out.

And sorry about the bowling crack. If there's a Bowling Defamation League out there please don't take me to Internet Court.

posted by your friendly neighborhood Moderator at 7:22 AM
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