Why I Rule
Did any other sports pundit out there predict the Steelers were the greatest team in the NFL? I think not. And not just because of their lack of lesbian cheerleaders, though that helps. It's science, people - and at science I rule. This is not to say I am unwilling to look for obvious advantages. Did I wear my lucky Greg Lloyd jersey? Check. Did I know the Broncos have cheerleaders and were therefore cursed? Check. Was I surrounded by Broncos fans, including one who partook of my custom frothy cappucchino and remarked, "You give great foam", prompting me to look around for assistance and make my 'call the police' gesture? Check.
See you in Detroit and be sure to visit Canada while you are there. No cheerleaders allowed. But let's be clear, I have no problem with cheerleaders per se. They're cheaper than strippers and they love their breasts as much as Jessica Simpson loves hers. It's just that if I want to hang out with women dumber than fish bait I'll arrange to meet Heather Graham. She appears to have plenty of time, since her new comedy series Emily's Reasons Why Not, got cancelled after one episode, joining the ranks of other quality shows that got cancelled after one episode like Heil Honey I'm Home! about Hitler and Eva Braun after World War II and Who's Your Daddy where some poor kid had to try and figure out who her father was. Yeah, those were real shows.
I searched Google high and low and I couldn't find a single hot picure of Heather Graham. She appears to be one of those rare women who is vaguely attractive but without a single ounce of sex appeal:
Sort of like Natalie Portman. But life isn't all bad. Someone out there is picking up the humor slack for me, since I saw this funny quote about the assets that the child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will have. Number one will be: "Remember how Scrooge McDuck used to sit on huge piles of money and laugh? That's this kid, except instead of money, it's genes."
That's a lot of pressure for a young kid. And since Angelina may be having twins what do you want to bet one of them hits the other in the face with a hot iron at an early age? Or at least has him imprisoned behind an iron mask? I'm okay with either one, since it will give me something to write about in 2022.