If You Thought English Chicks Were Nuts Before
Now, I love all people equally. Well, aesthetically I am going with blonde girls but I mean in a broad sense I love all people equally. However, there is a special level of relationship hell from whence all English chicks come. How nuts are they? This one married a dolphin. I have no problem with dolphin marriages, especially lesbian dolphin marriages, since the woman is named Sharon and the dolphin is named Cindy, but kissing in the blow hole is just a joke waiting to be made.
Another Lennon Who Can't Find a Decent Chick
I know I am supposed to 'ooooh' and 'ahhhh' about John Lennon but name me a single Beatles song written by John Lennon that anyone bothers to play. "I Am The Walrus"? Who plays that in restaurants? The plain fact is they agreed to share the credit and list the names in alphabetical order so even the ones written by McCartney gave Lennon a rep he didn't deserve. And he married a crazy, screeching Asian bag lady who broke up the band. Now his son has proven his judgment is just as bad by putting out a nationwide personal column.
He says, "Any girl who is interested must simply be born female and between the ages of 18 and 45." Italics mine.
And then, "I'm completely alone and I'm completely miserable. So please send your request to (Page Six)."
Why not just go into the nearest biker bar and find the girl who can spit tobacco the farthest??
Patrick Swayze Wants To Be Cool Again
That's right, Patrick Swayze is making a rap album. I haven't been this excited since MC Hammer signed with Death Row Records to do hardcore gangsta.
Swayze recently said he was experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” Whatever the hell that means. I think he should be out there making Red Dawn II. I giggle at the thought of those Cubans invading us every single time I watch the original.
How do you know graffiti is no longer edgey and cool? When they use it for advertising.
Austrians are embarrassed about posters in Vienna showing Queen Elizabeth having sex with Bush and Chirac. So are we. I can understand Chirac. The French will have sex with anything. But Bush can do so much better.
Take our poll to the left on the greatest gadgets of the last 50 years. I think some of the picks in the linked article are redundant. The Ipod isn't substantially different from the Sony Walkman and the Walkman sold 25 times as many. But that's what makes it good for discussion.
Even George Bush likes Anna Nicole Smith now that she is no longer fat. Bush administration lawyers say they have to argue her side to protect federal court jurisdiction in disputes. So it's just a technical issue. Yeah, right.
How about the 25 most interesting web cams of 2005? None of them are (a) me or (b) whatever else you are thinking. My favorite? The Anchorage, Alaska DMV webcam. Of course.
Best Onscreen Orgasms: Discuss
I'm a fan of lists and the end of the year will always be chock full of them, but it's nice to tackle something that isn't just 2005, so check out this take on ten great Hollywood orgasms. Their number one much makes me cringe, but that's just because I think the actress has always been one of those crazy bag ladies I don't want to see at all on screen much less imagine in the throes of passion.
And, if we're talking 'great' it doesn't have to be sexy, just memorable, so I would have put Dennis Hopper in "Blue Velvet" a higher. Because you just can't forget him in that creepy sort of way.
However, the best orgasm I have ever seen on film doesn't even make their list. It was in "Enemy At The Gates." It was crowded, quiet and late ... and not exactly in the kind of movie you would expect it to be in, which made it even better.
Here's all you need to get out of any barroom argument on motion, large and small (bonus - by using the terms "large" and "small" motion, you won't gain anything at all in the bar, but physicists are bound to notice you did your homework), with your dignity intact:
1) Einstein was not a fan of quantum mechanics. His "spooky action at a distance" comment was not an endorsement. But by stating that light was both a particle and a wave he was probably the founder of quantum physics.
2) Neils Bohr and other guys pretty much dismissed Einstein by simply stating that they were dealing with things so small that the act of visualizing or measuring them changed them into something else. So scientific experiments wouldn't work.
3) Schroedinger had his famous cat, who was half-dead and half-alive at the same time and the inspiration for this funny bit of scientific poetry. This whole theory threw Einstein into a rage, whence he issued his "God does not roll dice with the universe" line.
God may not throw dice but he may have a sense of humor. Or irony, if you use the language like Alanis Morrisette does.
The guys who agreed with Bohr went off and built atomic bombs using, in part, quantum phyics. Einstein got pushed aside as a relic. Now it turns out he may have been more right than wrong. Where's the humor in that? Well, if you can be dead and alive and right and wrong, you can also be a particle and a wave.
And that's pretty funny no matter what religion you are.
Someone Takes A Stab At The Top Records of 2005
Not a bad list, personal preferences being what they are, so decide for yourself what you think about Stereogum's Top 20 Albums Of 2005. 6 of our picks overlap*. What are they missing? Feist ( And being looks-defyingly sultry of voice, she gets a bonus award for being the hottest singer on this list ), Drive-By Truckers, Louis XIV, Switchfoot, Kaiser Chiefs, Marc Broussard, Scissor Sisters, Steriogram, Morningwood, MC5 and, in their 11th consecutive year, Bonepony for "Stomp Revival." Because it has never left my CD player and never will.
I know, I know, that doesn't add up to 20, but finding 20 good albums in any year is impossible.
*The overlaps are: Bright Eyes, LCD Soundsystem, Sleater-Kinney, The Decemberists, Spoon and Bloc Party.
First Look At "300"
Whether you're a military guy or a D&D wanna-be - and I was both so I can make fun of you either way - you had to have learned the story of the Spartans at Thermopylae. Frank Miller wasn't a soldier but he can tell a good story so he took a few bits of fact and made a comic out of them. Now "300" is on its way to the big screen.
Will this be a date movie? Absolutely not. Unless your date likes watching everyone die. It's very much a guy movie. And it has thousands of Iranians dying so that democracy can be preserved. Only we called them Persians then. And the democratic country was Greece, before they became all bi-sexual men who wore dresses in war. I predict that if you like your heroes heroic and you also want to go down swinging when your number is up, this will be your favorite flick of 2006.
How To Make Brokeback Mountain A Lot Funnier
Disclaimer: I haven't seen this movie and I probably won't. Mostly because pretentious Hollywood types will give it an Academy Award for taking an American macho icon and making him gay - we know cowboys can be gay, we saw the Village People video. We don't need it thrown up in our faces so you people can make a buck. One time I was visiting my best friend in Montana and he made a gay comment about my impeccable attire and I even said to him, "I promise you, a lot more gay guys dress like you than like me."
So, having disclosed that I haven't seen it and probably won't because of its attention for the wrong reasons, I will still go out on a limb and say I bet it probably isn't very funny. In fact, probably the only funny thing about the movie is me saying, after I saw a clip from it, "I cain't quit you ( insert name here )" in my best cowboy twang. To everyone I know. Over and over.
With that out of the way, I can tell you the good thing about a movie like that is it will inspire a parody like this. Try not to fall off of your chair laughing. I defy you.
And in case Tim is in Montana reading this and feeling all homophobic, he can have this heterosexuality-rejuvenating cowboy image:
Ask Men Releases Its List Of Top Women For 2005
Clearly they have never actually dated a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition model or they would have a lot fewer of them on their list. Try to figure this puzzle out; Elisha Cuthbert is way ahead of Alicia Keys, Roselyn Sanchez is #20, Halle Berry only cracked the top 10 and Jennifer Lopez is somehow ahead of both Brande Roderick and Sienna Miller. Katie Price, a.k.a. Jordan, is way down in the 70s. Heck, even her individual cosmetic surgeries alone rank higher than that. And no Jaime Pressly in sight.
Monica Bellucci is #2. Now, I was a Monica Bellucci fan way before that Matrix rubbish. She's Italian and takes off her clothes a lot and, really, nothing more needs to be said. But #2 today? I have a hard time believing that.
You want to know who my #1 for 2005 is, right? If I can ever take a picture she likes, I will post it.
Why All The Shock?
In Neillsville, WI a man has pleaded guilty to sexual relations with a cow. It's Wisconsin. How do you think they make all that cheese? Because the cows are happy.
This guy Hart would stop at a farm after the bar closed, proving that if you drink enough almost anything looks good. And he was getting it 2-4 times in a week. Heck, I'll get me a cow if I can throw a pretty dress on her - especially if she's giving it up 4 times a week.
Christmas Weekend Stuff
Opera says Microsoft is not buying them. That is good Christmas cheer, since every one of these blogs for four years has been written in the Opera browser and I pretty much would rather pull my fingernails off with a pair of pliers than use IE.
A deaf girl hears Jingle Bells for the very first time. Medical advances tickle me. Want to know why I am not worried about wearing my body out with all that sex? Because by the time it is a problem I will be The Bionic Man.
A guy in Alaska has constructed a 16 foot tall snowman. A scary gigantic snowman is just a good story all by itself.
The House of Grand Marnier has created its first new cognac in 200 years. Am I getting one of these for Christmas? Probably not. But am I getting one shipped to me within one week after Christmas, when I buy it myself? You betcha. And I don't even drink. It is that cool.
No, the Pope is not wearing a Santa hat. I agree all Hell broke loose after Vatican II but it hasn't gotten that bad.
Want to track Santa with Tomahawk missiles? Go to this NORAD site and have at it. And my dad used to just threaten to shoot him with a .30-.30. You can do way better than that with an F-16.
The Germans would rather spend Christmas with a tree than with each other. They must have been polling German men about German women.
Seriously, These Reuters Guys Can't Do Math Either?
We established that Reuters reporters don't understand English once before in this blog, so the Reuters name and their association with general incompetence is probably the only reason I noticed this.
A nifty article they write claims that Bush is the least popular among the last 10 Presidents but I don't really care about their politics. What I care about are the numbers. They write:
"Only nine percent of the 662 people polled picked Bush as their favorite among the last 10 presidents. John F. Kennedy topped that part of the survey, with 26 percent, closely followed by Bill Clinton (25 percent) and Ronald Reagan (23 percent)."
Now wait a minute. I do numbers in my head all of the time so this makes no sense. If Bush got 9%, Kennedy got 26% Clinton 25% and Reagan 23%, that's already 83% of the vote. From only four Presidents. So if there are 6 other Presidents in the poll, even if 5 of them got only 1%, that means only one other President could be ahead of him. If my math is correct, and it is, Bush was probably only 5 among the last 10 Presidents and it was only possible he could be sixth. So how did Reuters get last place out of that?
Finally, A Bin Laden We Can All Get Behind
Wafah Dufour changed to her mother's maiden name after September 11th, 2001 and has never met her famous uncle but her appearance as a model in GQ reaffirms what I have always said. If you want to affect change, do it from the inside. We have to start somewhere so we might as well start with Wafah.
I Inadvertently Wrecked Scarlett Johansson's Relationship
I knew I should have dressed down before I let her meet me. She's been dating Josh Hartnett (i.e. nobody) for a little while and things were going fine, then one chance encounter with me at 24 and suddenly she is talking about how difficult monogamy is. "I don't think human beings are monogamous by nature. It's difficult - you have to put a lot of effort into a relationship."
Sorry Josh. It's not like I have any control over this.
Canadian Court Says Group Sex Is Okay In Clubs
Did you even know Canada was still a country? I didn't. I thought we bought them back in 1992 because we needed the parking. But, no, turns out they are still a country and they even have courts. This one says that you can have swingers clubs and sex in them and it's all good. I know I'm supposed to be indignant about that but I really don't care. For one thing, what consenting adults do is pretty much their own business. Unless they are doing it to my chick. Then bullets are going to fly. For another, this is a surprisingly conservative approach by the Canadian courts, who are usually pretty much in everyone's business telling them what to think and to put "eh?" at the end of sentences a lot.
And it shows Canada is desperate for immigration. But here's something they should know. 'Swingers' usually don't look like what you see in online advertisements, they usually look like this. Especially Canadians. I'd rather get a hand job from one of those taloned guys in the black hoods in those Lord of the Rings movies than have sex with a Canadian girl.
No Prostitutes Allowed For Soccer Games
I don't know about you, but my thinking is that without prostitutes, it just ain't the World Cup. The Germans aren't going to say there is no prostitution at all - that would just be crazy talk, especially if you have seen German women - but they know that they don't want hookers from other countries everywhere so they have made handy signs to let you know where it isn't allowed. The Germans are pretty good about obeying signs, except ones that have things like "Border of France" and the Star of David written on them.
Mapping The Genome
It isn't Jurassic Park but it could be. Scientists have begun to map the genome of the woolly mammoth and this has led to speculation that the creatures could be resurrected.
The easiest way to prevent extinct creatures from being created again is to simply not pay for it. The scientists have only mapped about 1% of the genome so far and would need serious funding to do the rest. Even when that's accomplished, you can't just stick that information into a big E-Z Bake Oven and pop out a woolly mammoth. They can't even do that with modern DNA much less an extinct creature. But imagine if you could. I'd pay a lot of money to bring back Rita Hayworth.
Yes, I do actually have a framed "Gilda" poster in my house. No, I am not a gay man.
Monday morning with coffee
If you like MTV Cribs, you are an idiot. Without it, though, we wouldn't get this Santa version.
Weezer guy makes news for staying unmarried for two years. Okay, maybe I will give him a break because he never actually uses the word 'celibate' ... it's a journalist who wrote that headline and we know how stupid they can be. Weezer guy has abstained from sex for 2.5 years now, as if that is some sort of achievement. Heck, I went for 15 years once and I was really, really not trying. It ain't like he abstained from orgasms. That would be a miracle. I haven't had one since 2AM and I am already a little testy.
Kate Moss may have given me AIDS. That'll get me in hot water with the little woman.
Want a $950 cocktail? Yeah, I kinda do too. It's such a ridiculously over-the-top bit of frivolity I am willing to fly to Chicago to do it.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Told ya.
One gene made white skin. And you thought a Sneetch with a star was controversial. Wait until people get ahold of this concept.
U.S. submarine may have toured the Canadian Arctic. Further demonstrating that Canadians are pussies.
Brad Pitt Wants To Get Married
If there's one thing I know, it's Buddhism. So I can vouch for the fact that Buddhists are absolutely thrilled that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting married in a Buddhist ceremony precisely because it doesn't really count to them. No one objects to being trivialized by western Hollywood types less than Buddhists. I don't doubt that Brad is serious on some level - he is trying to co-adopt her kids one crazy way or another. And only in Hollywood is that even possible.
Besides, who doesn't want to fake marry a girl and then adopt her children? Wait, did I just say that? I meant "Have sex with a travelling band of hot midget Gypsy women." Twice.
Problems With Your Pipes? Assume A Naked Man Is Involved
What do you do when you have a pipe problem? Call the Water Department. What they found was not just a busted pipe but a whole naked guy secretly living there.
Now, I've had plenty of hot, naked women chained to the pipes in my basement. But they never broke anything because they were in on the fun. Except that one girl in 2003. She wasn't laughing. Come to think of it, that was a pretty weird day.
Why It's Okay To Make Fun Of Tom Cruise
Because Katie Holmes had a birthday party and THIS is the photo they chose to release:
Apparently he couldn't put his hand up her ass like you do with normal puppets so he had to control her by her hair.
Why Schools Are Better Today
It's become sort of fashionable for older people to insist that education was better when they were young and that kids today are stupid. Sure, SAT scores have dropped so much they have to recalibrate them every 10 years, but that's book knowledge. When it comes to practical, common-sense street smarts young people today are much smarter than I ever was. Or my parents. Why do I say that? Because kids today have sex like hopped-up bunnies. Just this week we have stories about students getting into trouble for oral sex in the classroom and then we have these entrepreneurial college guys who didn't want to go find a stripper so they got some girl down the hall to do it.
And that's without the other stories about students seducing female teachers and lots more. What does it tell you? Young people have figured out how to get laid. I can't wait to see these guys running companies. The corporate world is absolutely nothing compared to the difficulty of trying to get laid as a teenager.
School officials, who spent decades insisting teaching children how to have sex would lead to less sex, are a little aghast. They even went to the stripper and asked if she had been coerced or forced in any way so they could press charges and pretend they had some morality. She said "no", she was okay with it and the pictures all over the internet. See what I mean? Not only are today's youth going to make sure America stays out in front of the world business community by being crafty and smart, they will be unapologetic about it.
If you want to see the free amateur college stripper, go here. And you're a perv.
Why Journalists Look Dopey A Lot More Than They Used To
Because they write articles like this with lead sentences that begin;
"It is known that the risk of death in adults with diabetes is approximately twofold that of the general population."
Huh??? I'm no scientist but - wait, yes I am. So therefore I know that the risk of death for every person in the world is already 100%. You are all going to die. Saying I am twice as likely to die if I have diabetes is just annoying when I know I am going to die anyway. Why not die convulsing behind the wheel of my car, so I can take a few Asian drivers with me? At least that would be funnier than living to be 107 and crapping on my floor.
Now, this was someone writing for Reuters. They're British, so I'm not surprised they have such little grasp of the English language, but isn't there at least an editor there reading this stuff before they submit copy?
I am writing this crap for free and I have better command of sentence structure and the basics than these jacklegs. And I would have let it go except they basically say the same thing over and over again and make the same mistake.
Sometimes I make the same mistakes over and over, like buying that bad of Cheez-Doodles and insisting I won't eat the whole damn thing. But I have a genetic imbalance. What is Reuters' excuse?
Iraqi Women Are All Ninjas
Sure, I am pleased as punch that there is huge turnout in the Iraqi elections but I want to know why the mainstream media are last to press with the knowledge that Iraqi women are all secretly Ninjas.
That's right, you read it here first. I agree it's a clever tactic to make them wear burlap sacks but with all of that stuff on, how do you know they are even women? The Japanese have already taken over our small electronics industry and have cornered the market on cutesy alien cartoon characters that compete with American industry icons and now they have set their sights on the oil in Iraq too.
It's like Pearl Harbor all over again. Except in the mid-east. And they have no Navy. And we're friends with them. Well, anyway, you get my point.
The proof is even there in the article and none of those respected 'journalists' bothered to point it out, which means they are in on the fix. But since I am not ... and I accept personal checks if they want me to be ... here is all the proof you need:
The Grinch Gets A Job As A Dallas Teacher
Just so all the Who's in Whoville reading my blog ( you know who you are ) are aware, if you go to public school in Richardson, Texas and you are in first grade this mean teacher wants to introduce you to the facts of Christmas.
I know if I have a little critter sitting around in jammies with Yoda's and shit on them and he tells me he has had his dreams shattered by having to believe Christmas is about Jesus rather than a guy in a red suit magically transmorgifying toys under a tree, well, I will be pissed. I can buy stuff for kids. But teaching them religion takes too much time.
Man Seduces Internet Hottie - And She Turns Out To Be His Mother
Naturally when I saw this story about some poor schlub seducing his mother on the internet I had to seek out the Sage of All Important Wisdom when it comes to dating - my brother.
He referred me to Chapter 6 of his best-selling book, "Internet Seductions For Dummies" - 'Why webcams matter'.
"This idiot in France is the perfect example for why webcams matter," Bro said. "How much embarrassment could have been avoided if she had just fired up the webcam. Now he is stuck rationalizing six months of cybersex with his mother by saying things like, 'The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that.' No, he isn't. He's mortified and will likely never get a date in Marseilles again. And his dad is pissed.
"So webcams matter for two reasons. One, as sure as I am sitting here, 8 times out of 10 if a girl writes you out of the blue, she is either as big as a Sumo or she is a man. Webcams prevent that problem. Two, looks are clearly the most important thing in any relationship, so if she is ugly you won't have to bother liking her.
"If it turns out to be a man, and he pulls the 'we can just be friends' line, don't be fooled. The last thing you need is more friends. They take pictures like this as jokes and put them on the internet. Did that poor guy even know they had doggie chew toys in the house?"
The Ten Most Puzzling Ancient Artifacts
Differential gears from 80 BC? A 2000 year old battery? Metal tubes from 65 million years ago, before man existed?
Enjoy mysterious scientific goodness here. Poll on the left lets you ponder why you think these exist.
San Antonio Cops Prove They Are Not Human
I can't speak for any of you, but if I am a cop, I have handcuffs. And if I have handcuffs and two drunken Playboy models start offering sex to get out of taking a ride downtown, those handcuffs are damn well getting some non-traditional use.
But those San Antonio boys in blue held firm ... or the video cameras were rolling ... because they didn't flinch. Instead they busted Danielle Gamba and Carrie Minter for public intoxication and getting rowdy on the flight from Denver.
What are these San Antonio cops, Officers Cosby and Martinez, made of anyway? Here I am sucking down Miracle Greens and lifting weights and these two guys have somehow magically acquired willpower that would make Uri Geller cry in his oatmeal.
Kudos to you, guys. Here are the 34Ds you apparently did not notice when you were unaware that the scenario you were living is how 35% of porn movies start.
Quickies - Because You Love Them
An ugly lesbian insists she can steal Angelina Jolie from Brad Pitt. Nothing irks me more than ugly lesbians ... especially fame-whoring ugly lesbians trying to make news.
The magnetic north pole is moving. Environmentalists are scrambling to find a way to blame George Bush.
McDonald's Apple Pie is that good. Stoners trying to get free food? It sounds more like the plot of "Dude, Where's My Car - Again".
Honor Among Turks. Let me see if I get this; you steal my wife and then try to give me the hag you dumped for her?
Iraqis Really Happy. Media are alarmed they may have to report it.
Santa drops pants at the mall. I'm kind of old school so under the Christmas tree would be just fine.
Coffee reduces risk of liver disease. And you thought my thing for coffee makers was an unhealthy fetish. It's about my liver, dammit.
Let's Legislate Dying
There's a town in Brazil running out of space in their cemetaries. They have lots of rivers and what isn't river is The Amazon Rainforest, which no one who lives there is apparently allowed to use thanks to helpful enviromentalists in other countries. What to do? Well, if you are a government bureaucrat the obvious solution is to ban death. Makes sense to me.
70% of people die in their beds. So I would go one step further and ban beds. Or at least never sleep in my bed. Sleep on the couch instead. Presto, I automatically live longer because I can't die in my bed if I never sleep there.
So I am with this guy in Brazil. Let's ban death. And Emo haircuts while we're at it. But death first.
You Know I Have Arrived When I Can Outsource My Video Gaming
I confess I have a lot of video games. I have two gaming systems and a desktop PC with a 21" flatscreen monitor. But I'll be darned if I have time to play any of them. The most important reason is because I always have to be doing two things at once. I can't sit in front of an Xbox and play games because I couldn't watch a movie at the same time then. And most games that require the graphics of a desktop PC are filled with time-wasting activities and not much actual story.
I knew I wasn't the only one with this problem and that eventually someone would find a way for me to delegate the grunt-work of my video gaming to Asians.
The Asians know we are that lazy. So they have established whole factories where they do nothing but play video games in 12-hour shifts. Then they sell off the games, characters, gold pieces, prizes, whatever to overly wealthy yet inherently slothful gamers in other countries.
I haven't yet discovered a way to outsource phone calls to relatives, household chores and writing this blog to Asia but video games are a nice place to start. I feel more productive already.
Liz Hurley Slaps Around Sienna Miller
Okay, I couldn't give a crap about Lindsey Lohan, even though I wrote about her yesterday. And Angelina Jolie is my favorite mistake but I don't make the same mistake twice. I can, however, completely understand why Brad got all ga-ga after that stiletto heel went into his chest the first time. But here's my advice to you, Brad: DO NOT GIVE HER ANY OF YOUR BLOOD. That's all I am saying.
That said, all the things I wrote about those two yesterday are absolutely true about these girls if the cat-fight brewing between Sienna Miller and Liz Hurley is real. You can pretty much bet I am never leaving the house or my Astro-Glide again. Except maybe to go to Burger King. Though you know that cock-blocker at the drive-thru window will saying something like "Sir, you can't do that here" and call the police.
You decide who should win. Because I'll be a floppy-eared mackerel if I can.
Chinks And Nips Are Racist
You don't need a Master's Degree in History to know that the casting in the movie Memoirs of A Geisha was going to cause some problems - and if you do have a Master's Degree in History, I ordered a grande Mocha extra hot, with the whipped cream. Anyway, back to the movie. The movie, you see, is about Geishas. Those are the Japanese girls who make you tea and generally keep their traps shut. And the movie has two Chinese girls as the lead actresses.
Get it? No, of course you don't. No one does, except the Chinese and the Japanese and every other country in Asia which happens to hate every other country in Asia. These people are livid. The Chinese are angry because their Chinese actresses are acting as Japanese women and one of them even has a sex scene with a Japanese man - much as tens of thousands of Chinese women did while being raped during the occupation of Nanking in 1937. Japan is angry that director Rob Marshall couldn't find a single actress in Japan to portray Japanese women. And that their grandfathers still talk about how hot the women in China were during the occupation of 1937 and that they can't get any today.
Why am I angry? Because this movie isn't out yet. Americans don't get upset about this kind of thing, unless maybe Hugh Grant tried to portray an American man. Or any man, for that matter. Did the Polish get upset because Meryl Streep played a Polish woman in "Sophie's Choice?" No, they were just happy someone remembered it is an actual country and not just a word before 'joke.' I simply want this movie to be out because it has the two greatest Asian actresses around; Michelle Yeoh and Zhang Ziyi.
Now, I will confess that I have been enchanted with Michelle Yeoh since "Heroic Trio." I mean ... she is so eye-gougingly hot in her martial arts scenes that the fact she is still Asian causes no end to confusion in my penis. And Zhang Ziyi has only been in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and other crappy wire-fu movies but she looks like this:
Need I say more? Perhaps this blending of cultures can go a long way to ending racism in Asia. It's too big an issue for me. I'll just be the one in the back of the theater December 24th with a bottle of AstroGlide.
Lindsay Lohan Has A Crush - On Angelina Jolie
Sufferin' Jehosephat, I will be honest with all of you and tell you that I have absolutely masturbated to fantasies not nearly as good as Lindsay Lohan and Angelina Jolie in pillow-fight-related nakedness. But I once masturbated about fantasies of Margaret Thatcher and Whoopi Goldberg, so take that for what it's worth. Nothing in the world would make me happier than the idea of a lesbian orgy with these two. Except maybe Cheez-Doodles. Cheez-Doodles make me pretty happy.
Woman Hires Hit Man To Steal Cheese
If there's one thing my career dating supermodels has taught me, it's that nothing gives a woman the strength and courage of a deranged lion like a big chunk of cocaine. You wouldn't think an 85 lb. elf like Kate Moss could do much damage to a guy my size, but when she head-butts you because you are both between her and her cocaine and you didn't tell her how beautiful she was the requisite 100th time that day things can go to a bad place really fast.
But chalk one up for a woman even dumber than Kate Moss. Jessica Sandy Booth has been arrested for hiring a hit man to steal cheese. The cheese was owned by Mexicans so maybe that's why she assumed it was cocaine. Apparently Mexican men don't eat queso fresco cheese but they sprinkle cocaine liberally in their cuisine.
She then compounds her stupidity by hiring an undercover cop to kill the men and steal the cocaine. Hiring a fake hit man to kill guys who aren't drug dealers in possession of cheese she thinks is cocaine. Ain't that poetry?
Claire Danes Needed Therapy For Ghosts
Nothing makes me giggle like B-list actresses saying stupidly ridiculous things. Even fame-whoring British magazine reporters are aghast that she contends she had to go into therapy when she was six years old for seeing ghosts.
"In New York City, everybody goes into therapy. Yeah! Oh my God, yeah! I mean, sure, I had trouble, I was seeing ghosts and stuff, but it's to do with the New York environment, I guess. But yeah, I struggled as a kid but it didn't, you know, define me."
Apparently it did. And what does she mean 'everyone' goes into therapy? Excuse me, did Claire Danes get a medical degree when I was off taking a piss? Because, if appearing in The Mod Squad made her qualified to utter that statement, my experience running for student government means I can demand all of you call me Mayor McCheese from now on.
Uma Thurman Is Available
In an interview in Britain's Grazia Magazine, Uma Thurman says she is still "out there and available if anyone's interested. As one who adores the male species, I feel compassionately towards them. I've studied them carefully like a hunter watches its prey. I love all the guys out there."
Now, before you fellas get all hopped up on testosterone and give her a call, you need a quick primer on what it means when a Hollywood starlet says she is "available if anyone's interested." So I'll save you some time and excerpt "Cash's Guide To Dating Hot Chicks" Chapter 4 - 'Dating A Celebrity.'
When a celebrity says she is 'available' she is trying to make it sound like she is sitting around nights waiting for just any old guy. It pumps up the fan base by letting boys think they have a fighting chance. Sure, there are cases to back that up, like Renee Zellweger marrying some guy named Kenny Chesney and Christina Aguilera marrying this guy. But those really are exceptions. It's sort of like if you meet a normal girl at a bar and she says "A guy's car isn't important to me." What than translates into, if you have purchased your handy Cash's Woman-To-Man Decoder Ring, is "A nice care won't help you get laid but a crappy car will certainly hurt."
On the upside, she's 6 feet tall and only weighs 128, so you can throw her around the kitchen like a goddamn pizza box and barely break a sweat. And she dresses like this on occasion:
The downside is that she married Ethan Hawke. So she has a thing for pretentious asses. Feel free to comment if you have a strategy to nail Uma Thurman. I know, I know, you're asking why I don't do it myself. I agree that when I talk about women on my blog, I am invincible. But luckily for Uma I am taken.
Witches At War With Each Other
Pagans, Witches, Wiccans, Celtic Druids, threats written in some language called Theban. Jesus H. double-barrelled Christ, we must be talking about Florida.
Jill Pagan - apparently her real name - had her door attacked and found a note written in a language apparently understood exclusively by other witches. That's this Theban thing I mentioned. She says it's a hate crime inflicted on her by cranky, anti-social witches.
What a surprise that overweight women who own a lot of cats because they "understand them" better than humans would have conflicts with other crazy harpies in their community.
"Someone knew damn well that I was a witch and that I would recognize Theban for what it was," Pagan said, angry at what she calls a hate crime on her Belvedere Lane home.
"This sounds like an internal thing between other people of her faith," said Bob Engborg, a retired Daytona Beach police officer who specializes in strange and unusual crimes that involve occult beliefs. "They don't like her and the work she is doing or the way she is doing the work."
So Jill, heres some advice. Stop reading from the Book of the Dead and sacrificing squirrels and stuff.
You just need a nice relationship with a man and to bake a few pies. That would settle you right down.
Nissan Makes Paint That Heals Scratches All By Itself
For $400 extra on its future cars, Nissan will provide you with its new Scratch Guard Coat that is not only more resistant to common wear but also heals itself in about a week.
Isn't this how "The Terminator" movie started? This gives me an excuse to start building one of those cool dune buggies with the M-60 turret on the back. I am going down swinging ... and looking really cool, because I do love to blow up some stuff.
If Nissan really wants to improve their cars, they should make one that automatically drives when an Asian woman is behind the wheel.
Johnny Depp Thinks I Should Touch Myself
I think unless he's a tall hottie with a deviant streak who will exploit me and then bring me Cheez-Doodles he should stop ordering me around. But it isn't bad advice, actually.
In an interview in Britain's Loaded Magazine, Depp laments fame and encourages us all to masturbate instead of thinking about him.
"This is a rumour-filled society and if people want to sit around and talk about who I've dated, then I'd say they have a lot of spare time and should consider other topics or even masturbation. I don't care if they take my photograph. I don't care if they take Vanessa's photograph. We're adults. But when they start taking photos of my kids and putting them in their magazines, that I can't support."
I agree completely about not thinking about him, especially since something magical made Pirates of the Caribbean co-star Keira Knightley suddenly seem hot.
Heidi Fleiss To Open Male Bordello
In the best idea I have heard of since Microsoft® BOB® and Smucker's® Goober®, convicted madame Heidi Fleiss has decided what Nevada needs is an all-male bordello. Now, I can understand why men might visit a brothel. I have seen some of my gender brothers in action trying to land dates ... and it ain't pretty. Paying is always better when you're too incompetent to hold a decent conversation. And if there's one thing I know, it's that women expect conversation before they give it up. Or an Alaskan winter's worth of cocaine.
But, holy mackerel, why would women need a brothel? Women can go into pretty much any bar in America and announce "I have a vagina" and immediately be handed a line of willing men so long it can be seen from the space shuttle.
This is not to say it will be hard for Fleiss to find employees. Men, confused at the idea of getting paid for sex, have already flooded her with a 1,000 applications.
You're thinking this would be a great business for me to go into, right? I don't need the press. I am already the cause of more web-based female masturbation fantasies than Brad Pitt and George Cloony combined because of the legendary Campbell Men Site.
Frustrated French Women Would Rather Grope A Statue
You know French men are small when French women would rather rub a statue than endure yet another boring round of intercourse with penises so small that American 5-year olds make fun of them. Kissing the lips and putting a flower in the hat of this statue is supposed to be good luck but the fake enlarging of the groin is what really attracts the attention of lusty French women. So they have been rubbing it. A lot. So much so that a new sign warns; "Any damage caused by graffiti or indecent rubbing will be prosecuted."
Supposedly, French men are very charming and this makes up for their lack of man-junk. I guess I could be a French man. But I would have to lose some muscle mass and shrink my penis to half-size. Without those changes, I just couldn't endure hearing all of those "owie owie" noises from French women - they only like big penises on their statues. They should just be quiet and make me a cheese plate.
Anna Nicole Smith Is So Annoying Even Charities Don't Want Her
Turns out Trimspa paid big money to have their celebrity endorser appear at Live 8 and generally cause havoc and chaos. Why would she draw a crowd? I have no idea. According to this article on The Smoking Gun Trimspa stiffed the charity out of its promised $320,000 for Anna's "integration" into the broadcast, along with some commercials.
To make matters worse, she showed up scantily clad and intoxicated. Apparently they expected demure and conservative out of a former stripper who married a gazillionaire, got all fat, and then lost all her weight again. So they are suing for a total of $500,000 because they never got paid and her demeanor didn't exactly speak to the plight of starving Africans. It could have been worse - they could have had her on when she was ingesting 6,000 calories a day and was as big as a house. Now that would have been ridiculous.
Anyway, would you put up with this crap from her? Absolutely, and so would I. I wouldn't give her the time of day when she looked like that crazy witch who tried to kill Ariel in "The Little Mermaid" but since she looks like this now, all is forgiven:
Everything You Need To Know About "Aeon Flux"
Well, here is all you really need to know. It will suck. And not just because it has Charlize Theron, whose judgment is so lacking she dates Stuart Townshend and therefore can't be all that smart about movie scripts either.
No, it will also suck because even the cartoon was overrated swill and this won't be anywhere near as good as that. A lack of advance previews for critics also usually means a cinematic crash-and-burn of Hindenburg proportions. Young dumb people sometimes think they will feel smarter if they watch esoteric mumbo-jumbo. This certainly fit the bill of cartoons-that-made-no-sense-so-therefore-must-be- intelligent ten years ago. So why bother to make a live-action version now?
I can't imagine a reason. Then again, I can't imagine a reason I am even writing about it, other than my general happiness that it gave me the chance to insult Stuart Townshend twice in one day.
Oh wait, now I remember. The Boston Globe was kind enough to create a little cartoon thingie telling you everything you need to know about Aeon Flux. So, quick, before it disappears from theaters.
And tell me you can't look at this pic and see how perfect the casting is. I wonder if they will retract Academy Awards if the movie is bad enough?
British Guy Says New "King Kong" Is Brilliant
It takes a lot for me to call something "jaw-droppingly brilliant" - aside from Jaime Pressly's performance in "Poison Ivy 3: The New Seduction" I am, frankly, at a loss for what else could earn such lofty praise from me.
But that's exactly what this British guy says about Peter Jackson's new "King Kong" three-hour opus. Now, I don't think this was the best choice for a follow-up to "Lord of the Rings" and I will go on record and say that most of the awards he got for the later ones in that trilogy were only because the first one was good and it got cheated plenty at award time. He made the Elves somehow seem not gay in the second movie and he probably deserved an Academy Award just for that. But even he couldn't extract a decent performance from Viggo Mortensen whose combat and acting skills were, shall we say, one-dimensional? I am assuming Jackson had better luck with a big, fake gorilla instead of the big, live gorilla he had in Mortensen.
At least for "King Kong" he didn't have to hire and fire Stuart Townsend in a matter of weeks. You know when you get fired and they hire Viggo Mortensen because he is a "better" actor you have some serious problems.
He also didn't have to fire Naomi Watts. I assume she is good in this movie. I will just be happy to shake that image of the creepy kid crawling out of the TV set to try and kill her and scare the bejeesus out of me. I also assume this movie has something less creepy, like a big, fake gorilla who isn't Viggo Mortensen falling in love with her.
Babies Not Doing Limbo Any More
Yeah, you think I am going to make a joke about dancing infants, right? No, this will be a joke about Catholics. I'm an old school Catholic. By 'old school' I mean I follow a lot of the more rigid traditions - not self-flagellation or anything like that, though mutual flagellation might be hot in the right circumstances. And, except for those bits about no pre-marital sex, no sodomy, etc. I have led a pretty clean life. Heck, I don't even take Communion because I know I don't follow some of the stuff and I know a lot of hypocrites who take it anyway so I can at least maintain a smug superiority over them.
But Limbo always stuck in my craw just a little. Babies, of course, can't consciously make a choice to believe in God. And Catholicism requires a conscious choice. So if a baby dies, the wee one certainly doesn't go to Hell but can't go to Heaven either. Now, I have always sort of subscribed to the "No one needs to explain God to a child" proverb thinking. But if you start picking the teachings of the Pope a la' carte you are really, really not a Catholic. You might as well be Episcopalian.
Why get into this at all? Well, each of us is born with Original Sin, right? Everyone knows that. So even if you're innocent you're not really innocent because of that Adam and Eve fiasco. The modern solution is just to get your kids baptized right away. But that never explained away what happened to all those babies who happened to die before Jesus was born. So it's a bit of a pickle. Saint Augustine came up with this whole "Limbo" thing and, as far as I can tell, it was never made part of Dogma but somehow became accepted anyway. That's a lot of babies in the last 700 years.
The Catholic Church has decided to tackle this issue once and for all. Pope John Paul II put together a commmittee and asked them to come up with "a more coherent and enlightened way" of describing the fate of these babies. Since the committee was then headed by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who is now Pope Benedict XVI, you can bet it hasn't gone away.
The Church has become rather famous for "splitting the difference" in the last 40 years, and trying to make everyone equally unhappy has done nothing but send church attendance plummeting. Take a stand. Keep Limbo or get rid of it but letting it linger out there is far too much like Limbo for anyone to be comfortable with it.
Enrique Iglesias Wants You To Know His Penis Is Not Small
If you're like me, your first thought was "Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?" Then I remembered, yeah, he's the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
No, wait, that isn't him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer ... or he's supposed to be some kind of singer himself. But that isn't what made him famous. Being on my blog made him famous. Why is he on my blog? For being the kind of attention-lusting famewhore who goes out of his way to tell the world he has a small penis and then has to talk about how he doesn't actually have a small penis.
I am betting he does. When a guy goes out of his way to tell you it's a hassle being unable to find extra-small condoms, he is sending a message. I am betting he didn't have to send the message to his girlfriend, named Anna Kournikova. I think she would be famous too, if she were either hot or a good tennis player. Instead, she is famous for dating famous people.
And isn't she Russian? I bet she doesn't need to be told he is extra small. I had sex with a Russian supermodel once and she made me stop so she could look at it. I am telling you, Russian men must be huge.
Student In Trouble For Posting Pictures Of a Couple Having Sex In Public
I know, I know, you're thinking the couple in question is high-fiving each other. They were having sex in the window for a reason and it probably wasn't because they wanted more light.
The school is not so amused. The kid, an unnamed engineering student at the University of Pennsylvania, faces punishment from the school for posting the photos. Even though when he took them the two naked students could be seen through a dorm window.
By featuring the pictures on his personal Web site hosted through the school's server, the photographer violated the school's code of student conduct, sexual harassment policy and policy on acceptable uses of electronic resources, the university said in memos on the subject.
Would the university say the same thing if the university servers were used to endorse abortion, an end to the war in Iraq or to host pictures of crucifixes dipped in urine? I imagine not.
Not all of the faculty agree with the University position, as you might expect. "The student took a photograph of a public event. That is protected expression," said professor Alan Charles Kors.
If you have an opinion, take the poll to the left. If you chose Option 3, and you want to see grainy, low-res pictures of college students having sex, click here. And you're a perv.
High School Bans Bondage Pants
Because they're ugly? No, because apparently they are unsafe, what with the straps and all. I'd go one step further and ban all things Goth - at least until one of them can tell me who the Goths actually were, and which one of the Goth tribes they are pretending to be in all that mascara. And then I'd ban Emo too. And most especially Emo haircuts.
Before you get all excited about the term 'bondage pants' and start imagining hot 23 year old girls wearing them late at night for frisky, kinky fun, note that they're not all that interesting and most people wearing them look like this: