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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Witches At War With Each Other



Pagans, Witches, Wiccans, Celtic Druids, threats written in some language called Theban. Jesus H. double-barrelled Christ, we must be talking about Florida.

Jill Pagan - apparently her real name - had her door attacked and found a note written in a language apparently understood exclusively by other witches. That's this Theban thing I mentioned. She says it's a hate crime inflicted on her by cranky, anti-social witches.

What a surprise that overweight women who own a lot of cats because they "understand them" better than humans would have conflicts with other crazy harpies in their community.

"Someone knew damn well that I was a witch and that I would recognize Theban for what it was," Pagan said, angry at what she calls a hate crime on her Belvedere Lane home.

"This sounds like an internal thing between other people of her faith," said Bob Engborg, a retired Daytona Beach police officer who specializes in strange and unusual crimes that involve occult beliefs. "They don't like her and the work she is doing or the way she is doing the work."

So Jill, heres some advice. Stop reading from the Book of the Dead and sacrificing squirrels and stuff.

You just need a nice relationship with a man and to bake a few pies. That would settle you right down.

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