Shhhh ... I'm Giving Birth I don't know about you, but nothing makes me crazier than women who make a lot of noise giving birth. Crybabies. Come on, 12 billion women have done this in the past so obviously it doesn't hurt all that much. Luckily we have Tom Cruise and his helpful band of Thetan OverlordsScientologists to show women the correct way to bring forth life. How will they keep it properly quiet in labor when Katie Holmes gets ready to eject the spawn of Tom Cruise? By strategically posting signs where Katie can see them. And the signs say things like "BE SILENT AND MAKE ALL PHYSICAL MOVEMENTS SLOW AND UNDERSTANDABLE.” Just in case she might not notice them, they made those signs really huge. That oughtta shut her up all right. Scientologists claim that owie noises coming from the mother can cause a newborn harm that would take years of therapy to overcome. Scientology doesn't address what the impact of having a crazy, tyrant father and a gullible mother will be.

Prosthetic Parts III What's up with chicks and their need to wear fake parts? I made the call on Jessica Simpson's fake can when I saw Dukes of Hazzard. I didn't make the call on Felicity Huffman's fake penis while filming TransAmerica, mostly because I thought she already had a real one. Now it turns out Penelope Cruz ( who? ) needed curvature help also. And she liked having a real woman's bottom so much she asked to be able to keep the fake one after her RETURNING shoot was done. I tell you, when a girl I have never seen in a movie has a butt so inconsequential she needs to pad a pair of pants to feel good about herself, it is going to be an excellent day for humor. What could make her life worse? Dating Tom Cruise? editor's note: Oops, someone informed me she actually has already dated Tom Cruise. No wonder he liked her. She has a man's ass

Jennifer Aniston Inconvenienced By Death Of Therapist "Really? Is this some kind of cosmic joke?" she says was her reaction on hearing about the death of her therapist in December, 2004. "I knew that in 2005 I would have to break up with Brad Pitt and use the publicity to get some movie roles. It was either that or sign up for that damn FRIENDS reunion special. Losing a key therapist that late in the game, just as I arrived at the threshold to this grand door, was devastating." Aniston said her goals for 2006 will be to go around the world adopting as many children as she can - because that's what worked for Angelina Jolie.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Well, not for me. Guys, I will help you. Here is the one thing you can say which no woman will ever argue about: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.” It's short, it's to the point and it doesn't get into a lot of cause and effect. You're more likely to walk away as pals by not dancing around. Anyone you break up with will be a little angry at first but they'll appreciate your maturity later. This seems like common sense so why talk about it? Because ridiculous break-ups still happen even though people in 42 countries read my blog. And, no, I did not break up with Sweety. I am talking about other peoples' breakups. Celebrity breakups. Like train wrecks and Tara Reid's stomach, sometimes you just can't look away even though you know you won't like what you see. Celebrities don't seem to understand the basic rule I just laid out. So they end up with a lot of bad break-ups. Why does this happen? For one thing, in many cases when you talk about celebrities you're talking about terrifically hot people who constantly have a bevy of other hot people trying to get them in the sack. This can lead to issues in a relationship where both people are expected to be normal and somewhat secure in private. Another reason is that celebrities are drama queens. This goes with the occupation - sorry, they like to say 'craft' because it makes them sound fancier - but what it means is that in order to endure the rejection and difficulty that goes with the movie business you have to be pretty much into yourself. This drama queen vanity in normal people is called being an attention whore and it's annoying as hell. We wouldn't put up with any of it from our friends - which is why most of us are not friends with celebrities.* This drama queen penchant for histrionics is also why they tend to go around comparing Pres. Bush to Hitler even though Bush doesn't have a moustache and never wears black. They just want Bush to be someone more famous, like them. So on the relationship front it's been a bad week for celebrities. Brad Pitt got beat up by Angelina Jolie. Hey, I'd like to beat up Brad Pitt too, and you know I like the rough stuff in the sack. Angie picked me up in a hotel bar during the filming of Cyborg 2 and I took it like a champ, but there were no black eyes so I was just fine at work the next day. Leaving marks on Brad Pitt makes the news though. Scarlett Johansson dumped some guy I have never seen in a movie anyway but I had nothing to do with it, no matter what rumor you heard last year. Naomi Watts and an actor with a girl's name went splitsville as well. Oh, and Cher is dating Satan. Which probably isn't news. What's the lesson in all this for us non-celebrities? Celebrate your drama-free life, that's what. But if you have to become a celebrity, date Sienna Miller first; because her career-enhancing vagina has worked on everyone else it touched. *Yes, I am friends with a few celebrities, but only the ones I broke up with using the sentence in paragraph 1.

The Endorsements For Friday: Opera.The grand musical phenomenon, not the greatest web browser in the world. Why opera? Because Sophie Monk was training to be an opera singer before someone told her she looks like this: THE LOOP TV show. Not because it is funny, though it is sorta funny, but mostly because whenever someone in the bar orders a Vodka tonic Sarah Mason gets up on the bar and works it. All you need for successful entertainment is a hook and that hooked me: Sting. Not because he's Tantric. I always thought that was bulls**t anyway, but because it turns out he is a total deviant. He must have a new CD coming out because I didn't even know he was still alive and suddenly he is getting all this publicity. Blondes. Because Sweety asked me if I was suddenly off blondes due to me writing that in a comment about a week ago. She reads the comments? I didn't even know she had this URL. I'd better tone it down before she reads about me and Kate Beckinsale. Barbara Eden. Because she is the Jeannie that can never be equalled. We all decided here some time ago that Jennifer Garner should be Jeannie if they must make a movie and I stand by that decision. Then again, we also determined that all Iraqi women are ninjas and no one listened then either. Whiny brats. Because a study shows that whiny kids grow up to be conservatives. Now, I wasn't a whiny kid - my dad was a little too old school to put up with that - but I liked things done a certain way. My mother always talks about what a late developer I was and how I learned to walk late and I never talked at all until one time we were in a 7-11 and we left without getting a Slurpee. "Mom, I would like a Slurpee," I apparently said. She asked me,of course, why I had never talked before. "Because you always knew to get me one," she says I replied. Young Jeezy. Because he got arrested after a shootout in Florida. Which means I had a reason to wear my "I got that snow man" shirt to the gym today and pretty much offend everyone. Except the supermodels, who saw it and got naked. Relationship advice. Because what would your weekend be without my expert help? This one is for the men: Let her beat you at something once in a while — poker, chess, Literati — and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

Day Spas Are For Men Too Where did this notion come from that men can't go to a day spa? I am not talking about some weird metrosexual craziness, I am talking about ordinary men. Rugged men. Scientific men. Like me. I went and, I have to tell you, I am darn proud of it. The reason I went is because on my last trip to Japan I got three of these tiny white corpuscle looking things on my face. Not like a zit ... well, like a zit, only deeper. Subcutaneous even. So I go to a nearby place and walk in. It might as well be outer space to me. The girl at the desk asks what I want and I start explaining about this trip I took to Japan and maybe it was the altitude or the change in climate and her eyes glaze over and she excuses herself to get someone who might be interested. The someone who might be interested presents herself and says they can indeed do an 'extraction' along with a whole slew of quite necessary things for good facial health. I am already excited. 'Extraction' sounds pretty cool. I tell Sweety about this and, being ever supportive, she says, "You're such a girl." This only steels my resolve. If I'm going to get called gay by my chick for going to get my face cleaned, then so be it. I'll go every week just out of spite. Anyway, I go back for my appointment a week later and the girl in charge of my facial health this day rubs a bunch of stuff on me and looks at me under some sort of blacklight and generally washes my face and then pokes with her fingers at these white things. "Sorry, I don't think I can get those out," she says. "Of course you can," I reply. "You get a needle and you prick at it a little bit and it comes right out." "We're not allowed to have needles here. California regulations. Only dermatologists can do that." Why didn't they mention that when I made the appointment a week ago, I think. But I don't say anything because I am already out $150. I look around this tiny room. I don't see anyone else. "I don't see anyone named California regulations in here," I tell her. "You have a whole building full of women. Surely one of you has a needle." "I don't think so. The Board of Health could shut us down if we did." Now it's a grudge match, see? Maybe it's the Libertarian in me but I am not much for ridiculous legislation that impedes me getting what I want when I want it, so after a few minutes of conversation I shall not disclose ( you women think you're the only ones who can get things done with the opposite sex? HA! I have science on my side, baby ) she goes to find out if anyone has a needle. Well, they don't. But life goes on and I am there and I know I can just go home and do it myself, I was just trying to avoid putting a needle near my eye. Call me crazy. The one thing I was unprepared for was that they give you a massage too. Well, there's just no way I was taking off my shirt for some strange girl - random, cocaine-crazed supermodels, yes. Strange women in a day spa where I live. Big no. I mention this to Sweety later and she asks why it was a big deal. "I just don't want other women seeing me naked. You want me to take off my shirt for other women?" "Well, no," she replies, "But it's a massage. It comes with it." "I don't want some strange girl touching me.I can't remember the last time another woman saw me without a shirt on, so I am creeped out by it." "So she couldn't see you without a shirt. What about your pants?" she asked. "Oh, I let her blow me. That's different." So guess what? She offered to take those white things out of my face right then and there ... with a butcher knife. Just the same, I didn't take her up on it. I never know when she might not be kidding about stabbing me in the eye.

Girls Give Hope To Ugly Guys Everywhere Part 3 As I write this, a guy who looks like Seal ( because he is ) is throwing Heidi Klum around a Red Roof Inn and Christina Aguilera is married to a guy so ugly none of my four medical degrees can figure out what's wrong with his teeth. Granted, Christina Aguilera looks like Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister most of the time so I can maybe see her marrying down a little: But what in the world is up with the funny one from Friends somehow ending up with a girl as hot as Piper Perabo?? I'm all for over-achievement. Heck, my chick's ass in a pair of jeans can warp the very fabric of time and space and no way in a world of fairness and justice would she even know my name, but the &Delta(delta) between me and her and the &Delta(delta) between Matthew Perry and Piper Perabo is beyond even my extensive knowledge of physics - and any tape rule known to man. Matthew Perry must be so large he is beyond hung like a horse ... horses want to be hung like him. If hot girls just want a guy to be funny to find him attractive, you all have to call me Brad Pitt McDreamy from now on.

Beware Health Mullahs Doing What Is Best For You - And Gay Neo-Nazis

Beware Health Mullahs Doing What Is Best For You - And Gay Neo-Nazis Oleg Cassini has died at 92. I have made a whole career out of using my "I am the Alpha and the Omega. But Cassini? That guy’s timeless" quote. Does this mean I have to move on to something else? More women die from taking abortion pill. This scares the bejeezus out of me. Without easy access to abortions, I might have to start thinking about using birth control. And that would make me a bad Catholic. Luckily, studies show having abortions at home is safe so I got no dog in that whole Roe v. Wade fight. The guy in charge of the New York St. Patrick's Day Parade brought on some controversy when he stated that gay people are like neo-nazis. Now, I don't care where most of you come down on the gay/not-gay thing because when I need interior decorating, I am sure as heckfire getting it and I don't give a hoot if it's a guy wearing Dolce & Gabbana ( definitely gay ) or a girl wearing Prada ( definitely overcharging me.) So let's examine this scientifically, because I don't think his analogy holds up. Nazis dressed well, didn't think much of women and enjoyed marching. But gays ... oh, hey, wait a minute ... Fundamentalist health mullahs have banned smoking everywhere. In the mid-east? No, California, which is like Iran (well, if you're a Republican) only with better silicone implants. Injuns sue Steven Spielberg over a bad haircut. How do these people know what their hair was like a few hundred years ago anyway, since they never learned to write? And why do they care about something so trivial in a movie? They should feel lucky anyone remembers them at all. Let's face it, if you still hadn't learned how to write after about 2000 BC your culture deserved to get steamrolled by helpful Europeans with a trunk full of shiny beads. I guess 'injuns' in my little blurb wasn't very Politically Correct. I apologize. I meant to write 'native injuns.' There. The endorsement for Audi: This guy crashed his car, it looks like this, and he lived. Finally, laugh along with me at the questionable mental health of a man who lops off his own penis to try and keep from being arrested. I almost did that once, but only because Kirsten Dunst was trying to steal me from Vitamin C. Musicals used to be cool, like when Fred Astaire made them. Men went to see them, women went to see them. Then they became kinda gay. Which musical officially made them gay enough that men stopped going? Take the poll to the left.

Tom Cruise Has More Power Than Colonel Sanders And Queen Elizabeth COMBINED You are all probably aware that Isaac Hayes recently left South Park because of their intolerance about religion. Isaac had no problem when South Park made fun of Christianity, Judaism, Wiccans, Muslims, Buddhists, Mormons and believers in Santa Claus but making fun of Scientology was apparently too much for him. It's a good week for hypocrisy if you like that sort of thing. But it gets worse for the South Park guys. Or better, depending on your perspective. Now the episode making fun of Scientology has been yanked from the schedule. Rumor has it that Tom Cruise threatened to not promote "Mission: Impossible 3" if the offending episode ran. Comedy Central is owned by Viacom and so is Paramount - the studio putting out the film. It makes sense to me. But those guys took it in stride. To wit, their statement on the matter: "So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies... You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail!" Good job, guys. Humor is always the best way to strike back at pretentious wanks who don't even know how to properly control their girlfriends. The only thing about Isaac Hayes worth noting? His character had the only quote I use from South Park and it goes: "Damn woman, I just gave you sweet lovin' five minutes ago!" and I have pretty much only used it when I have been out with a friend and she has asked me an innocuous question and we were in a crowded place where I knew everyone would gawk at her. I hope the South Park guys won't mind if I go right on using it.

St. Patrick's Day Random Thoughts First, I am not Irish. I don't drink, so there wouldn't much point to my being Irish anyway. Further, I have never actually celebrated St. Patrick's Day beyond elementary school, where I think you have to clobber someone if they don't wear green. But I discovered this morning that it was St. Patrick's day and it's also Friday, which means it's my random thoughts day, and the weekend. If that doesn't create some sort of universal nexus for humor I don't know what will. 1. There's no better way to start a Friday than with a Kate Moss lesbo romp. Is she even a model any more? All I ever hear about is her with yet another celebrity in some kind of lesbian escapade. Kate, we get it. You like women too. Enough, already. Oh yeah, and she is trying to get over me by purchasing a vibrator with my name on it. I don't think that will help but I know if she's using a vibrator I won't have to worry about her giving me an STD. 2. You remember me telling you about Bin Laden's niece. It gave me a chance to use my patented "we can change Muslims from the inside" joke. So thank you for playing along. Turns out now someone wants to give her a reality show. I guess we'll see the intolerance that a model faces in America or something. Because Americans hate skinny, hot chicks. 3. (deleted because it was too friggin' long, even for me) 4. Why we all need to move to Ukraine: Yep, even the government there says they aren't having enough sex. Of course, I have seen Ukrainian women, so I won't even bother to learn how to say "I like your eyes" in that language. Bonus points if you can guess in how many languages I already can say that sentence.* 5.This kid was trying to become Buddha faster than me. I recommended he write a diet book instead. He must have taken my advice because he has mysteriously disappeared. 6. I can't let the week go by without taking a shot at the new James Bond. The director says he is more "emotive" than any of his predecessors. Translation: he cries like a schoolgirl. 7. Enjoy your St. Patrick's Day drunk fest. In honor of the guy who drove the snakes from Ireland - and did it without using alcohol at all - I am converting my kitchen faucets so that they only dispense beer. Relationship advice for the weekend of March 17th: Ladies, if a friend of yours compliments your new, short haircut she is secretly celebrating having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair. * The answer is 8.

Adriana Lima Will Not Have Sex With You She is officially off the "Hey, I think I just met my next ex-wife" list for the foreseeable future. As if women aren't difficult enough, shoplifting the booty from a virgin - and the girl who who is arguably one of the world's most famous lingerie models claims to be just that - is a recipe for life-long disaster. And just how is it that no one had sex with her yet? She dated Lenny Kravitz, f'r Chrissakes. That guy is my age so even if I start boning women exponentially right now I won't catch him until 2016. However, I am tempted to try and nail her just because Derek Jeter couldn't. I hate the Yankees that much. She states, "Sex is for after marriage. [Men] have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me." HUH? So what if the next guy talks you into it? Does he not respect you or did your choice magically change because he had a smoother rap? That statement is so baffling she can only be from Brazil. Women, here is all you need to know about men; you wake up every day and decide if you want to have sex with us. That's it. It has nothing to do with our respect for your 'choice', whatever in hell that is supposed to mean. So don't pretend having sex ( or not ) has anything to do with what men think about you. It has only to do with whether or not you are feeling agreeable. Note for men: Jager helps. Let's contrast that with someone more seasoned, like Sarah Jessica Parker. She's also my age so she's been around for a while and her views on sex are a little more enlightened than a 24 year-old model's - though, I suspect, they might also be impending signs of divorce. Check out what she says regarding hubby Matthew Broderick.: "Every now and then I see him with a woman and she's really smart and beautiful and I'm like, 'God, they have great chemistry. They'd be great together." You go, girl. The only thing that could make that scenario better is if she walked up to Adriana Lima and started buying her drinks. Note for Sarah Jessica Parker: Jager helps.

A Reason To Respect Jessica Simpson She's apparently attending a Republican fundraiser this week and House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) is the lucky guy who gets to sit next to her. Not that he will recognize her. “I’m not even sure if he knows who Jessica Simpson is,” the Majority Leader’s spokesman, Kevin Madden,said. “Boehner’s celebrity recognition standards crashed and burned with the introduction of color television.” I can help you with that, Congressman. She'll be the one to the left causing your erection.

Non-Famous Mexican Couple Gets In A Fight Why is this newsworthy? Because they blew up their house doing it. Now, the last time I got in a fight with my chick there was violence, sure, but it mostly involved ruined clothing and a broken table and not a small amount of Astro-Glide. There were certainly no homemade gasoline bombs, like these people used, and the knife was only for fun because I made her work for it before she could tie me up. It's no secret I can enrage women but I have never had one fire a gun at me. I'll leave the Mr. & Mrs. Smith jokes to someone else because these people are not pretty enough to merit consideration for the sequel. Apparently no Queso Fresco cheese was in the house. I can't imagine what else would cause such a ruckus. Some people hire hitmen over the stuff. Irma Contreras' only comment about Juan Espinosa was that she was only sorry she had not "hacked off his manhood" during the fight. Mexican women rule.

Stacy Kiebler Kicks Some Guy's Hat No, really. She literally kicked his hat. The story goes that some rude guy was giving her grief and he was wearing a baseball cap with something unmentionable on it. Naturally, Mizz Stacy and her fans chose to pick on this poor schlub, who probably just wanted some attention and didn't know how to get it constructively. I don't know how you feel but to me making fun of a guy's baseball cap is off-sides. Anyway, make fun of his cap they did and then things got uglier when Stacy challenged the guy to a kick-off. The terms: If she could kick the cap off his head he could, basically, kick rocks. For some reason, he took that bet. So she did. The girl has long legs. And coming from me - because let me tell you, if there's one thing I know it's women with long legs - that really means something. What I don't get is why the guy didn't at least get her to bet something in return, like a kiss or a picture with the legs or something. Of course, if you'd like a picture of Stacy's legs, you don't need to risk her having an off day and kicking you in the nose. You just need to read my blog:

Big Love I, for one, can't wait to see it. Who doesn't like Bill Paxton? He was great in Aliens and just about everything else he has ever done. So he has this new show out, "Big Love", about a polygamist and his three wives ( they are not Mormon, we are supposed to believe) and one of his co-stars is Chloe Sevigny. Now, the only reason I even know her name is because she went down for real on Vincent Gallo in Brown Bunny. As sex scenes go, it was way below the quality of amateur porn but I guess it was essential to the story, if you're a pretentious arthouse ass trying to get into the Cannes Film Festival. So in that sense it accomplished just what she wanted to accomplish; she got name recognition and people constantly having something to ask her about. But Bill Paxton didn't like that the subject came up on daytime chick show THE VIEW. According to this article "Paxton is said to have exploded off-camera." We'll never know for sure. One of the things I was looking forward to upon arriving back in country was having someone else with a Replay send me the show but I'll have to find someone back east because they apparently deleted that part from the west coast broadcast. One insider notes, THE VIEW is "a show that is broadcast to housewives all over Middle America. [Oral sex] isn't the kind of thing you talk about." It's true. Once you get married, oral sex pretty much disappears from womens' vocabularies altogether. You waited a long time for that joke, didn't you?

Wisdom For The Weekend Someone should tell this Buddhist priest that paying under-age girls for sex is probably a bad thing. He doesn't get a lot of excuses since the Japanese now at least have a pretense of not allowing sex with minors - though you'd hardly know it if you spent any time there. Or he should move to California, where a court has ruled you don't have to register as a sex offender if it's just oral sex with a 16-year-old girl. I don't know what to tell you about the Buddhist thing, since its status as not a real religion to celebrities lets them feel like they are getting married without the actual pesky commitment. But I am something of an expert on oral sex and, as a result, I am this close to becoming Buddha myself. And I've done it without even talking to young Japanese girls. When I suddenly move to Singapore, you will know it's because they finally opened a pole-dancing school. There's nothing like pole-dancing and videos from The Pussycat Dolls to make women everywhere feel empowered. The vast majority of women in Singapore are stupefyingly hot already so adding pole-dancing schools gets Singapore my patented Hank Star Award for March. Their prize? Wait for it, wait for it ... yes, they get a loaf of bread, because I gave it up for Lent. Fooled you, didn't I? You thought it would be sex with me, right? Those comments never make it past my editor anyway. After reading my blog, you probably think there is no one cooler than me but I have to give it to this Keith Urban guy. I may question his taste in women but writing a love song for your wedding is really cool. Dude is only 5'10", the same height as his fiancee, and weighs about a buck-50 so I don't understand Nicole Kidman's interest, but she married Tom Cruise so not having good sex is probably okay with her. When a musician I have never listened to writes a song I will never hear for a creepy actress who looks like she is made of cheap plastic, I take notice. And so should you. Finally, your Science Relationship Advice for the weekend: Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you helped her move or fixed her car and you never slept with her, you're one of the 10.

Why Eva Longoria Is Hotter Than Your Chick We already like her because she gives vibrators to her friends but it gets even better. Turns out she has lesbian crushes on ... wait, go and get the Astro-Glide ... Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson and Eva Mendes. Naturally, we are way ahead of her. We have been objectifying those three for years. Jessica Simpson is too dumb to take more than a passing interest in and I am never sure quite what to make of Jessica Alba, except she looks great in bathing suits and just about awful in everything else: Eva Mendes has only one flaw; she never dated me. Still, that doesn't answer why Eva Longoria's lesbian side makes her hotter than your chick yet says nothing at all about mine. So I'll tell you. It's because just a picture of Rocio Guario Diaz sent my chick from 25% lesbian all the way to alcohol-fueled threesome with that crazy Brazilian. And even Eva Longoria can't top that.

The New James Bond Is A Wuss - But He'll Get Naked

The New James Bond Is A Wuss - But He'll Get Naked Daniel Craig has been under fire from moment one. Not many people have thought he would be good in the role - except the daughter of the guy who built the franchise. We've already established that English chicks are nuts and having a girl pick the next James Bond is proof of it. So he's blonde and that isn't good. But whatever. He's also a major league wuss who can't even drive JB's car and that's a little harder to forgive. So what is his answer to all those criticisms? "I have told bosses I'm prepared to do a full frontal scene. I'm not shy and Bond wouldn't be shy about it either," says Craig. HUH? You think that will make the movie BETTER? Does Craig not understand his boss is actually not the audience for James Bond films? Men go to see these movies and the last thing men want to see is Daniel Craig naked. Men want to see hot chicks in a James Bond movie and instead they are giving us a crazy French bag lady. We want cool technology and instead they are giving us an Aston-Martin automatic because Daniel can't learn how to drive a stick. And he apparently can't take a punch either. If you're confused about what makes a hot Bond girl and what makes a crazy French bag lady, see below. For cool gadgets you are on your own. Sounds awfully critical of me, right? Why shouldn't I be James Bond, you ask? Why not indeed. I don't have access to Sienna Miller's career-enhancing vagina for one thing - though I have proven that access to it would jump-start my movie career. And my car is cooler than an Aston-Martin, namely because mine starts in the rain. And I can take a punch. This is also why Sweety calls me Farmboy McDreamy. And she doesn't want me to get famous because she knows Uma Thurman is available.

Teri Hatcher Gives Up Botox She doesn't need Botox any more because she now has the head of Medusa on her shoulders. So she can pretty much turn anyone to stone if they don't like how she's aging. If she doesn't want to look like a Greek myth with snakes for hair, she can get this guy to eat her, provided he can make time in his schedule after he cannibalizes Hugh Grant. Oops, false alarm. "I want to eat people who are beautiful," says Arwin Miewes. So Teri Hatcher doesn't count, especially after the Botox holding her together wears off. Does Paula Abdul count? After her drunken slurring on American Idol, I am betting she doesn't. Even cannibals have to have some standards. Finally, here is your Science Relationship Advice for the weekend of March 3rd: Make her happy when you’re out by calling her at 11 P.M. She’ll go to bed knowing she's on your mind, even if you’re doing Jell-O shots off some skank’s tummy. That is all.

Nick Lachey Is Not An Idiot I know, I know, you are surprised to hear this coming from my blog, since he screwed it up with a hot, outrageously rich girl who pretty much saved herself for him - and because the only kinky thing he could think to do with her was wear her shoes. So historically he has been an idiot but at least he is rebounding nicely. He's now dating a girl, Miss Kentucky or something (i.e. nobody) and I saw in a picture on Superficial.com that she looks like this: Which isn't bad for Nick Lachey, who says that even without Jessica Simpson he has a pretty good life. Now, I am not a breast man but I have to admire the aesthetics of what he has going on here, at least in this picture. Scott Stapp, on the other hand, is still an idiot. At least according to Kid Rock, who doesn't mind a sex tape as much as he minds not getting paid for his performance on it. I have to agree with that. You think I wasn't worried the last time I heard about an internet sex tape? I sure was. Sweety goes batshit crazy about that kind of thing so I was relieved when it turned out to be Colin Farrell. But even getting busted with an internet sex tape wouldn't be as idiotic as calling the police to report that your drugs were stolen. However, I am not always as smart as you think I am. I watched this girl shave her legs on a train in Japan and didn't get her number - you know, for my brother. That's truly idiotic.