Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Well, not for me. Guys, I will help you. Here is the one thing you can say which no woman will ever argue about:
“I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
It's short, it's to the point and it doesn't get into a lot of cause and effect. You're more likely to walk away as pals by not dancing around. Anyone you break up with will be a little angry at first but they'll appreciate your maturity later. This seems like common sense so why talk about it? Because ridiculous break-ups still happen even though people in 42 countries read my blog.
And, no, I did not break up with Sweety. I am talking about other peoples' breakups. Celebrity breakups. Like train wrecks and Tara Reid's stomach, sometimes you just can't look away even though you know you won't like what you see. Celebrities don't seem to understand the basic rule I just laid out. So they end up with a lot of bad break-ups.
Why does this happen? For one thing, in many cases when you talk about celebrities you're talking about terrifically hot people who constantly have a bevy of other hot people trying to get them in the sack. This can lead to issues in a relationship where both people are expected to be normal and somewhat secure in private.
Another reason is that celebrities are drama queens. This goes with the occupation - sorry, they like to say 'craft' because it makes them sound fancier - but what it means is that in order to endure the rejection and difficulty that goes with the movie business you have to be pretty much into yourself. This drama queen vanity in normal people is called being an attention whore and it's annoying as hell. We wouldn't put up with any of it from our friends - which is why most of us are not friends with celebrities.* This drama queen penchant for histrionics is also why they tend to go around comparing Pres. Bush to Hitler even though Bush doesn't have a moustache and never wears black. They just want Bush to be someone more famous, like them.
So on the relationship front it's been a bad week for celebrities. Brad Pitt got beat up by Angelina Jolie. Hey, I'd like to beat up Brad Pitt too, and you know I like the rough stuff in the sack. Angie picked me up in a hotel bar during the filming of Cyborg 2 and I took it like a champ, but there were no black eyes so I was just fine at work the next day. Leaving marks on Brad Pitt makes the news though. Scarlett Johansson dumped some guy I have never seen in a movie anyway but I had nothing to do with it, no matter what rumor you heard last year. Naomi Watts and an actor with a girl's name went splitsville as well. Oh, and Cher is dating Satan. Which probably isn't news.
What's the lesson in all this for us non-celebrities? Celebrate your drama-free life, that's what. But if you have to become a celebrity, date Sienna Miller first; because her career-enhancing vagina has worked on everyone else it touched.
*Yes, I am friends with a few celebrities, but only the ones I broke up with using the sentence in paragraph 1.