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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Adriana Lima Will Not Have Sex With You



She is officially off the "Hey, I think I just met my next ex-wife" list for the foreseeable future. As if women aren't difficult enough, shoplifting the booty from a virgin - and the girl who who is arguably one of the world's most famous lingerie models claims to be just that - is a recipe for life-long disaster. And just how is it that no one had sex with her yet? She dated Lenny Kravitz, f'r Chrissakes. That guy is my age so even if I start boning women exponentially right now I won't catch him until 2016. However, I am tempted to try and nail her just because Derek Jeter couldn't. I hate the Yankees that much.



She states, "Sex is for after marriage. [Men] have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me." HUH? So what if the next guy talks you into it? Does he not respect you or did your choice magically change because he had a smoother rap? That statement is so baffling she can only be from Brazil.

Women, here is all you need to know about men; you wake up every day and decide if you want to have sex with us. That's it. It has nothing to do with our respect for your 'choice', whatever in hell that is supposed to mean. So don't pretend having sex ( or not ) has anything to do with what men think about you. It has only to do with whether or not you are feeling agreeable.

Note for men: Jager helps.

Let's contrast that with someone more seasoned, like Sarah Jessica Parker. She's also my age so she's been around for a while and her views on sex are a little more enlightened than a 24 year-old model's - though, I suspect, they might also be impending signs of divorce. Check out what she says regarding hubby Matthew Broderick.: "Every now and then I see him with a woman and she's really smart and beautiful and I'm like, 'God, they have great chemistry. They'd be great together."

You go, girl. The only thing that could make that scenario better is if she walked up to Adriana Lima and started buying her drinks.

Note for Sarah Jessica Parker: Jager helps.

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