Why Eva Longoria Is Hotter Than Your Chick We already like her because she gives vibrators to her friends but it gets even better. Turns out she has lesbian crushes on ... wait, go and get the Astro-Glide ... Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson and Eva Mendes. Naturally, we are way ahead of her. We have been objectifying those three for years. Jessica Simpson is too dumb to take more than a passing interest in and I am never sure quite what to make of Jessica Alba, except she looks great in bathing suits and just about awful in everything else: Eva Mendes has only one flaw; she never dated me. Still, that doesn't answer why Eva Longoria's lesbian side makes her hotter than your chick yet says nothing at all about mine. So I'll tell you. It's because just a picture of Rocio Guario Diaz sent my chick from 25% lesbian all the way to alcohol-fueled threesome with that crazy Brazilian. And even Eva Longoria can't top that.