St. Patrick's Day Random Thoughts
First, I am not Irish. I don't drink, so there wouldn't much point to my being Irish anyway. Further, I have never actually celebrated St. Patrick's Day beyond elementary school, where I think you have to clobber someone if they don't wear green. But I discovered this morning that it was St. Patrick's day and it's also Friday, which means it's my random thoughts day, and the weekend. If that doesn't create some sort of universal nexus for humor I don't know what will.
1. There's no better way to start a Friday than with a Kate Moss lesbo romp. Is she even a model any more? All I ever hear about is her with yet another celebrity in some kind of lesbian escapade. Kate, we get it. You like women too. Enough, already. Oh yeah, and she is trying to get over me by purchasing a vibrator with my name on it. I don't think that will help but I know if she's using a vibrator I won't have to worry about her giving me an STD.
2. You remember me telling you about Bin Laden's niece. It gave me a chance to use my patented "we can change Muslims from the inside" joke. So thank you for playing along. Turns out now someone wants to give her a reality show. I guess we'll see the intolerance that a model faces in America or something. Because Americans hate skinny, hot chicks.
3. (deleted because it was too friggin' long, even for me)
4. Why we all need to move to Ukraine: Yep, even the government there says they aren't having enough sex. Of course, I have seen Ukrainian women, so I won't even bother to learn how to say "I like your eyes" in that language. Bonus points if you can guess in how many languages I already can say that sentence.*
5.This kid was trying to become Buddha faster than me. I recommended he write a diet book instead. He must have taken my advice because he has mysteriously disappeared.
6. I can't let the week go by without taking a shot at the new James Bond. The director says he is more "emotive" than any of his predecessors. Translation: he cries like a schoolgirl.
7. Enjoy your St. Patrick's Day drunk fest. In honor of the guy who drove the snakes from Ireland - and did it without using alcohol at all - I am converting my kitchen faucets so that they only dispense beer.
Relationship advice for the weekend of March 17th: Ladies, if a friend of yours compliments your new, short haircut she is secretly celebrating having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
* The answer is 8.