Want To Have A Beautiful Daughter? Nail A Scientist
Everyone wants a beautiful daughter. In fact, that topic came up last week. Someone asked me how things had changed since I hit the big 4-0 and I said, "I'm going to meet someone my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful - and I'm going to date her daughter."
How do I meet Alessandra Ambrosio's mother anyway?
It's important that I impregnate a stunningly beautiful woman because this study says that the prettier you are, the more likely it is you will give birth to a girl. It's probably sheer coincidence that in seven generations off the boat from Scotland, my family has never given birth to a girl but I feel like I need to lift the curse because I am the only scientist.
According to those findings, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn't have much choice at all in the sex of their kid. Not having a boy didn't hurt Brad's feelings, though, since he witnessed the Messiah issuing forth from Angelina's vagina.
I thought only Italians had that religious fixation; you know, because all Italian men think their mothers had a virgin birth and all Italian women think their son is God. Regular men just have the madonna/whore fixation. And when we say 'whore' we don't mean Uma Thurman-style attention whore. Is this girl ever in an interview where she isn't talking about how ugly she is? I liked her better when she stated she would date just about anyone and wore clothes like this:
There's only room for one attention whore in any family of mine, I will tell you that.
Also, please welcome a new honorary member to the world of science: Owen Wilson. Responding to Steely Dan's claims that he based his new movie character on a song of theirs, Wilson said this: "I have never heard the song `Cousin Dupree' and I don't even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, `HEY 19.'"
So, welcome Owen. Because science needs more humor. I can't carry this load all by myself.
Scientific Fun For The Weekend
Saturday morning. Make an air gun that shoots tampons. Some PVC, a few tampon vending tubes and a whole mess of tampons. Conveniently, I keep all that around the house for emergencies.
Later Saturday morning. Shoot brother with tampon gun. Let's face it, men don't even like going to the store to buy tampons. He's really going to hate being shot with them. Maybe even as much as Mel Gibson hates Jews.
Saturday afternoon: Find a way to work "I have unnaturally high levels of testosterone" into a joke. If this guy Floyd Landis can win the Tour De France and get to brag about testosterone levels, he is our new hero. Hope Leno doesn't get to the joke first.
Saturday evening: Orgy of unprotected sex with supermodels.
Sunday morning: Order the Collette - Action Hooker toy doll for my niece. It's French, and that means culture. We could all use a little culture.
Sunday afternoon: Write the definitive scientific treatise on the blogger community. Some people are overwhelmed by the number of choices out there. It's quite simple, really. Start here, then go wherever.
Sunday evening: Accept a collect call from this girl:
She says she isn't a convict but I am not sure. Orange isn't her color so that makes me a little suspicious.
Sunday night. Watch Footballers' Wives. You thought I was going to say 'have another orgy of unprotected sex with supermodels', didn't you? Fooled you. Scientists are nothing if not diverse.
Some Scientific Equations Can't Be Solved, Like This One: W*0^M = N
And Π (Pi) or Maxwell's Equations. Everyone knows Π already, it's the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle (22/7) and goes on forever. Then there's Maxwell's Equations; Maxwell grasped the connection between magnetism and electricity and how they create each other. But, like Π, they can never be solved. If you spend more and more time trying to solve either of those you can only come closer to the answer. You can never actually reach it.
So what happens when you put Π and Maxwell's Equations together? You guessed it; you get women.
If you get in an argument, she will use Π against you. For example, "Oh yeah? Well, you slept with my sister" is the relationship equivalent of Π. Of course I slept with your sister. Scientists don't get personal assistants, so who else are we going to sleep with?
I slept with her mother too but dredging up the past doesn't help her with the current argument, does it?
Likewise, our constant attraction to women despite the Π issue falls under Maxwell's Equations, namely Faraday's Law of Induction. Faraday's Law goes like this; when there are multiple available men and a woman which has no man, the men will be induced toward the woman until equilibrium is reached.
Really, that's everything you need to know to win any bar-room discussion on the physics of electromagnetism, don't you think? It won't help much with women, though. Faraday's Law doesn't have much wiggle room to it. I guess that's why it's a Law.
Everything I Need To Know About Business I Learned From Weird Science
Sometimes it's believed that business, or science ( or the business of science), takes a lot of education. I am here to tell you, my friends, the only education you need can be found in one easy location, it only takes 94 minutes of your time, and I am giving this secret to you for free: it's the Weird Science DVD.
Sure, on the exterior it may look like just another 1980s John Hughes rite-of-passage comedy, but that's the beauty of a parable. It makes you think one thing while it head-fakes you with important business lessons.
Whenever I walk into a company I immediately look around and try to figure out which member of the cast each person is. I know, I know, and before I get emails telling me not to pigeon-hole people, I will go ahead and state,"we're individuals ... and unique ... all 12 billion of us," though I don't believe a word of it.
What we are is an archetype with some subtle variations. Pepperoni pizza is different than canadian bacon pizza but it's still pizza with meat thrown on it. Knowing this, and the sage wisdom John Hughes delivers in this movie, will take you pretty far in the corporate world.
First things first when you walk in to run your company, just like watching a movie, is to figure out the cast. So here they are:
There may be slight variations on these personalities, but not by much. I left out Hilly, for example, but she's really just Deb, only as a brunette and therefore extraneous. Not because we don't need more Debs, but because we need fewer brunettes.
Let's talk about Lisa first, even though she isn't the star of your company. Lisa is your product. You want her to be sexy, you want her to do what you want, and you want people to be impressed by what she offers. The problem with Lisa is, once she is out of your hands, weird stuff can happen. Make sure you know Lisa inside and out.
Gary is your ambitious type. He's not the smartest, he's not the best in anything, really, but he is the one most likely to get weird stuff done when you need it done. Gary is a facilitator. 90% of the people who read this will think they are Gary. What 50% of the people who think they are Gary really are is ...
Wyatt, and that's not an insult. Wyatt is a mile deep and a yard wide in his abilities. The world does not run without Wyatt. Without Wyatt at the keyboard there is no Weird Science but Wyatt is motivated by something most people don't understand; Wyatt wants to create Lisa, not date her. And he'll never be happy with her. Get to know Wyatt and reward him accordingly. Note: Wyatt doesn't have to be a boy. You can see in this picture he could go either way.
Chet likes to make Gary and Wyatt miserable. He serves you best outside the office. Lisa doesn't give a crap about him while Gary and Wyatt pretend to hate him but they secretly want to be more like him. He's probably your sales guy. Unfortunately for Gary and Wyatt, they cannot turn him into Jabba The Hutt, like in the movie.
Deb is what motivates your Gary's and Wyatt's once they realize there is no perfect Lisa. She ( or he - remember, archetypes) is settling for what they have right now even if they are quietly disaffected with it. The Debs of your company tend to achieve to the level of the people around them. Deb is the backbone of your company because she is the catalyst for the weirdness that Lisa will bring. Without a Deb, no one is happy. She's probably from Texas.
Ian and Max I don't even bother to separate because they're foils for Gary and Wyatt. They're always together and they probably drink a lot of the free coffee and talk about you behind your back. Debs were probably hanging out too much with these guys, which is why they had to bring you in to run the company.
The Lord General thinks he should have your job. He is a little reckless, even to a point of risking getting whacked to try and create a culture of destruction that probably helped cause the failure of the guy you replaced. More businesses are ruined by this guy than competitors. So he has no value, right? Not so. It is unlikely you will get him on your side but when you get the rest of the cast on your side his presence will make the Gary's and Wyatt's go from role-players to stars. Conflict isn't always bad; remember that saying about how 30 years of Borgia poisoning, murder and deceit gave us the Renaissance while 500 years of Swiss peace only gave us the cuckoo clock.
The mutant biker is the example that will motivate everyone else because you're going to take him down first. First, because he's an anarchist who is used by the Lord General and second because you can replace him within minutes. It's never a bad thing to whack someone right away. It often helps, in movies, science and in business, if you come across as someone who will pull the trigger on the bad guys.
There you go. Now get thee to Amazon, buy this movie and use my handy key guide to put the pieces together and run your own company. That John Hughes sure knew his stuff in this film, didn't he? Just try getting business lessons out of Ferris Buehler.
And until you run your own company, the next time you see weird stuff happening at the place you are, ask yourself which cast member you are being.
Know What What Makes Scientists Happy?
I mean really, really happy. This kind of happy:
Well, I'll tell you. Nothing makes scientists happier than when celebrity marriages go kerplooey, accusations start flying, and families - being familial - say a bunch of things they would never, ever, ever believe if they read them on my blog.
Let's take this whole Christie Brinkley thing that happened recently. Most of you probably don't know anything about it because you are so highbrow - that's why you are at my blog. For the science. And maybe a chance at an orange smoothie.
I will encapsulate for you: Christie Brinkley ( I think she was a model in the 1940s ) has a husband and he got caught canoodling with his teenage assistant so Brinkley, not content with three divorces under her Total Gym created waistline, decides to divorce him. But this is Hollywood, folks, and Brinkley is a victim. You can't have a victim without a criminal.
Diana Bianchi very much does not want to be the criminal either so she has come out with guns blazing. Her family is helping, saying Mr. Brinkley ( i.e. Peter Cook a.k.a. nobody ) began pursuing her at age 17 and she was seduced by the guy and she was 'naive.'
Stop right there. We live in a society where they talked about a dirty sanchez on the Veronica Mars television show during prime time ... and I am so old I had to Google it to know what in hell they were talking about but the writers knew every kid watching the show would know what they were talking about and laugh. There may be naive 17-to-19 year-old girls out there, but they are living in Lancaster:
I am supposed to believe a 19-year old girl sleeping with her married boss and getting cars, money and jewelry in return is now passing herself off as "a little naive." I know lots of naive girls then. They're called strippers.
Some pinhead lawyer spoke to reporters and admitted the couple's relationship was consensual but stated Cook's role as employer and his gifts of a car, money and jewelry could constitute sexual harassment. Except she only got the job because she was sleeping with him.
Now look, I am all for penalizing someone if they try to withhold a promotion or fire a girl for not giving up the booty. That's just fair play. But if he's not doing that it's just a guy trying to get laid. God knows women make it hard enough for us without getting lawyers involved.
And what's the big deal to Christie Brinkley? So he nailed his personal assistant. That's what personal assistants are for.
Come to think of it, I need a personal assistant. Should any of you care to apply, send your resume and a picture of you in an I HEART SCIENTISTS t-shirt and I'll be in touch.
By "I'll be in touch" I mean, "We'll get drunk and have hot monkey sex."
Jessica Biel Is A Cheap Date
And officially a good sport. And she raised $30,000 for a charity auction by donating a lunch date. A local guy named John paid $30,000 for the opportunity to hit on Biel, who was rightfully ESQUIRE's 'sexiest woman alive' last year. Said Biel in a taped message, "I promise, I'm a cheap date." Nope. Biel just went up in stature, I am thinking.
I bought a date with an actress for charity once. Why? Well, it's a tax write-off and, if I didn't, a 5'10" blonde girl was going to be stuck eating with some fat guy who smelled funny.
Have you seen her in anything? No, but neither had I. Go here if you want to download a clip of what low-budget, terrifically profitable horror movies look like. As if the title Vamps 2: Blood Sisters doesn't tell you what you need to know.
Expect John to make his move on Jessica Biel August 18th. He owes it to men everywhere.
Colorado Woman Mixes Science, Metaphors
Nothing says relaxation and down-home cooking like the smell of crackling electricity through chicken corpses and Liborio Markets, a Latino-based grocery store moving into the region, aims to please. To make sure you get the freshest chicken nuggets possible, they intend to kill about 150 chickens a day by coursing wholesome electrical currents through the feathered critters. Then they cook them. Seems simple enough, and about as humane as you can get, being they are turned into food and all, but some residents are clucking about it.
Claudia Barnes, a local busybody who learned just today that chickens have to die before she can eat them, doesn't like the idea at all.
"We're just appalled," she said. "If they want to do this in the privacy of their home, I don't care. But we're just opening up a keg of worms if this happens."
Keg of worms? What happened to cliches everyone knew and that made sense? She is worried about some kind of slippery slope here, like if chickens are killed humanely we'll suddenly have dogs hanging in the streets, like in Spain? And they should kill chickens in their homes? Is that some kind of racist thing against Mexicans? Listen up, Claudia, Mexicans may have chickens fight each other in their basements but they don't kill them. Not on purpose anyway. I am with the Mexicans here. I am okay with dead chickens because they can't bring me my slippers but I draw the line at hanging dogs.
This woman must have gone to the Pam Anderson school of rhetoric. Speaking about her sudden marriage announcement to one-time country/rap/whatever bad boy Kid Rock, she said, "It's been a whirlwind ... spontaneous but well thought through."
I'm not sure how it could be spontaneous and well-thought out at the same time but even at 65, or whatever age she is, Pamela Anderson* still looks like this;
So we're willing to give her some slack because of that.** And what do you think Claudia Barnes looks like? I don't know either but if you guessed she's similar to the homeless woman down the street from me who smells like urine and has a ping-pong ball for a left eye, you probably wouldn't be far off.
And while I'm on the subject, what's up with Colorado these days anyway? When you don't have crazy ladies endorsing chicken genocide in peoples' homes, you have this guy pretending to be a Troll and charging people to cross a bridge. It's almost like all of the people who think California isn't weird enough have moved there.
*New for 2006! Now with Hepatitis C!!
**And Rocia Guario Diaz can say any damn thing she pleases:
Science Saves Lives - And That's Always Funny
So science isn't all bad. Sure, we invented guns, which accidentally kill 1,500 Americans a year, but we also invented cars, which accidentally kill 43,000 Americans per ... oh, wait, maybe that isn't a good example.
Here's a better one. We found a CURE FOR CANCER! Well, we didn't, but Dr. Miracles did. Like most good men of science he has a sense of humor and makes his job fun, though I bet his approach is more popular in Europe.
I'm not kidding. I have been to Europe a lot and one thing I can tell you is, they know what they like. They think we're all Quakers or Puritans or one of those religions that left Europe because they didn't like porn on TV or on wood block carvings or whatever they used in the 1600s, and we figure that constant exposure to porn makes you more likely to want to pee when you have urinals that look like this:
That was in a McDonald's in Holland but I always say, 'Hey, it's Holland. If they weren't the deviancy capital of western Europe, what would they have?' Some people didn't agree and complained. Stupid Puritan tourists. 'When in Rome ...' as the saying goes, so if seeing that urinal over and over makes some Dutch girl want to be your toilet monkey when you visit Amsterdam, I say go for it. It's not a fetish of mine but I don't have one. Believe me, I have tried to find one. That's a whole blog all by itself.
Yet scientists are always happy for people who do have a fetish, even if it's something like videos of girls who get their cars stuck in the mud, which we don't really get.
I mean, I get it. It's hot girls, in bikinis, trying to get their cars out of the mud. But I don't get it the same way people who buy these videos do, any more than I get why people are not stampeding the gates of Denver Airport to bid on an auction for a date with Jessica Biel.
It's Jessica Biel, people. She may look like a horse but she has a hot body and she's a pretty good sport for agreeing to go to lunch with any nerd who buys her at a charity auction.
Back to the bit about science saving lives. 4,000 people a year die from drowning but our bodies are 70% water, the planet is 70% water, we're basically in water the first nine months we exist, and there's oxygen in water. So I am baffled by that statistic.
Remind me to work on curing drowning now that cancer has been taken. If you'd like to be a test case for my cure via the Dr. Miracles method, it will totally get you a free t-shirt - and an orange smoothie.
The President Finally Speaks A Language Scientists Can Understand
People, I wrote a whole book on politics so I can tell you it's darn refreshing when politicans come right out and say what they mean. Nothing drives scientists battier than talk about stern letters or vague sanctions from bureaucrats because most scientists are more in the Bismarck school of thought; "blood and iron" and all that stuff.
We were pretty forgiving on the 'nucular' thing and we smiled at statements like, "Wow! Brazil is big" but we're over the moon about President Bush letting this one fly at the G8 conference in Russia:
"See, the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing this s--t and it's over," he said to Tony Blair, talking about year 4,500 of insanity in the Middle East.
Forget for a moment that he knows even less about irony than Alanis Morrisette. What it says is he understands terrorists. Now, I don't know how to stop terrorism completely but I know we should try bold new ideas to squash it. We could, for example, lift this gem of an idea from the North Koreans: we could get Jean-Claude Van Damme to do the fighting for us.
Yes, that was the idea put forth by Kim Jong Chol, son of resident North Korean crazy-man-in-power Kim Jong Il.
It was Van Damme's work in Sudden Death that convinced young Kim that he would be the perfect guy to end terrorism and I can't figure out why his dad says he is too "girlish" to run the country. That is some bold thinking, baby.
Maybe I should change the name of this to "Scientists Know Their Politics" ... because when I write about this stuff on my blog, I am invincible.
The French Assert Their World Dominance By Endorsing Their Own Seafood
Want to make sure people take you seriously? Slap "moules de bouchot de la baie de Mont Saint Michel AOC" on any mussel not musselled in Mont St Michel bay.
You can imagine what kind of thunderclap this was to the rest of the mussel industry.
"I have great mussels, so why should I be penalized while they get the government seal of approval? No one will want to buy my mussels if the French government doesn't tell them they should," said Francois LePew. "You saw what kind of effect it had on the world when the French government mandated that 25% of the music played on the radio must be French artists. Motown almost went out of business!"
You can bet this issue isn't going away any time soon. A resurgent militance about mussels in France is going to have a ripple effect throughout Europe. Politicians are concerned that Russians and Germans will begin mobilizing their own seafood legislation. Grown in the border between the regions of Brittany and lower Normandy, this isn't the first time culinary war has been declared over them:
Yes, those are Allied soldiers invading Normandy to free Mont St. Michel mussels over 60 years ago. The Germans sure knew their seafood.
Avril Lavigne Gets Her Starter Marriage Out Of The Way
As long time readers know, the countdown to Avril Lavigne turning 30 started a while ago. Scientists have been waiting for her to get to an age where she might have a reasonable maturity level and the kind of rapier wit necessary to stay in a long-term relationship with men much smarter than she is.
So we welcome the news that she has married young. Nothing causes a girl to grow up like having her idealistic notions about relationships shattered and, by marrying a Canadian rock star, she's going to be a lot more appreciative of an actual man when she gets to be around age 28 and tires of him.
Why would we wait for her? Two reasons. First, she looks like this:
Yes, even at 21. Imagine how good she will look at 30. And she seems to be really sweet. We have only seen her on Punk'd and she was an absolute doll and that's good enough for science. Nothing tells you a person's real personality like how they act when they don't know Ashton Kutcher is making fun of them.
Second, she has married a Canadian guy in some band called Sum 41. Canadian. Rock star. Yeah. We can't speak for you, but when a girl this hot marries some guy in a band scientists have never listened to, we think the countdown to failure has begun.
Madonna Wants Her Kids To Join The Cult Of Santa
Madonna doesn't feel like she can support Kabbalah any more. Now, if there's one thing scientists understand, it's anxiety about losing one's religion, especially after guys like Bruno and Galileo lost their religion and then their lives. Well, not just scientists. Michael Stipe says he understands too, unless he just likes dancing around like an ostrich onstage and pretending to feel the pain of those in a religious crisis, like Madonna.
Wait, you are asking, isn't Madonna, like, the Queen of Kabbalah, with the red bracelet and the getting other celebrities to join and visiting Israel and changing her name to Esther ( Ethel? Some E name or another)? Well, yeah. Most of the millions in donations that the US-based offshoot of Judaism has received came from her.
But Madonna cares about her kids more than she cares about her own soul or where it ends up for all eternity. She let us know that when she gave her eight-year old a credit card and capped it at $10,000. She is certainly willing to go the extra mile to raise good children. So when she discovered that going all old-school with Kabbalah meant another year without Santa, she drew the line.
"It's 2006," she said. "Jews should get with the program and celebrate Christmas like the rest of us."
I am not an expert on religion but I thought all this time that Santa was kind of a cultural thing instead of a religious one. Santa didn't exist 2,000 years ago so how could even forward-thinking types like the Jews prohibit him? It doesn't matter. It's Madonna, she knows what the heck she's talking about.
If next year she moves to Afghanistan or France or some other third world country where they drink goat's blood and carry daggers in public, she'll have her kids doing it to fit in. And I am sure I'll think about it doing it too. If it's good enough for Madonna's kids, it's good enough for me.
Science Shows You How To Get Twice As Much Pussy
Heisenberg ( get your sour grapes shirt here) once postulated that a cat could be alive and dead at the same time. What he didn't foresee was that one day a cat would be born that could be both normal and a mutated aberration at the same time:
And yet there it is, another scientific miracle, normal except for the freakish two-headed aspect. Some of you may be worried that this cat will be subject to persecution and ridicule by other cats. Fear not. All we have to do is make a quaint holiday video and have him save Christmas and he can get all the adulation any two-faced cat needs.
Holiday videos can't do a thing about hurricanes, but then neither can scientists. Sure, we can say 'hey, those levees need to be bigger' and then environmentalists can say 'no, that's bad for the environment' and then we can all pretend to be right until the best strip club in America ends up under water. But Mr. T must be a heck of a scientist because he has the answer. He's going to give up his bling to stop hurricanes.
I pity the fool who argues with that kind of logic. Mr. T says he saw actual poor people after Hurricane Katrina and that made him feel guilty and he rebukes other celebrities who just go for photo-ops saying, "If you're not going to go down there with a check and a hammer and a nail to help the people, don't go down there."
He must be really proud of Sean Penn. He brought a check and a shotgun. But he needed one because, as he said, "there's bodies everywhere" and he was concerned they would turn into zombies.
I still feel bad that seeing poor people made Mr. T feel guilty and give up his bling. But, as a scientist, I have the solution. I will tell him to get the American Express Centurion Card. That's the black one. When you use it, poor people actually disappear.
Angelina Jolie Is A Black Widow Spider
You think it's coincidence that the movie she chooses to make with Brad Pitt after apparently giving birth to Jesus is a biopic on slain journalist Daniel Pearl?
Yeah, I don't think so either. So now that he has given forth his DNA she will take the opportunity to 'accidentally' cut off his head and eat him during the movie shoot. He should have seen it coming when she started collecting these dolls:
Uma Thurman's eerie unwillingness to criticize ex-husband Ethan Hawke tells me she's in the Black Widow category also. Ladies, here is some relationship advice for you: we need you to hate us. That's how we know we got to you. Otherwise we're left with keeping your CDs for attention.
Uma has a movie coming out later this month so she'll do anything for attention. Including, it seems, dating you.
Science Determines Sony Hates Albinoes And Black People
Sony is a Japanese company - and the Japanese hate everyone. I am always baffled when I am out in public in America and someone mentions how polite the Japanese are. Yes, they are outwardly polite; they just bottle up all that hatred. But every 60 years - BOOM - Pearl Harbor.*
I give most any man travelling to Japan this advice: If you are hopelessly lost in Japan and no one speaks English, walk up to the hottest girl you see and start talking to her. Within seconds, you will be surrounded by five Japanese men asking you in English if they can help you. Because the only thing Japanese people hate more than gaijin is the thought of a big gaijin having sex with one of their women.
How does this relate to science? It's the science of marketing. You see, Sony game machines are basically black boxes with Nvidia graphics chips and some other stuff thrown in. So if you want to inject some sizzle into a product that can't be customized from a technology point of view, you simply ... make it a new color. What's the opposite of black? White, of course.
So Sony introduced a white version of its PSP replete with its own marketing campaign, in Holland, where tension between cultures is already at the boiling point:
Nothing offensive in that. Just a white - well, very white - woman grabbing a very black woman and forcing her into a position of submission. What does that say to you?
Right, the best porn movie ever.
But no, some people took it to be racist. When I heard that, I assumed they meant because of the albino woman. We all know it's okay to hate albinoes but that doesn't mean they won't raise a stink about it.
No, people took it to be a skin color issue, ignoring the fact that the Japanese hate everyone - and since the Dutch and the Portugese are in a virtual tie for first place in the African slave trade throughout history, black people in Holland are a little touchy about it. Once the scandal erupted and they got their publicity, Sony pulled the offending ad, but not before insuring that every Skinhead in Europe is standing in line to get one because of the controversy. Those Skinheads really hate albinoes, you know.
*Thank you, George Costanza.
Scientists Could Still Be Dating Supermodels in 3006
That's right, this guy says he is making progress in cellular damage repair - what you call corn. No wait, that was a commercial for Maize. I meant, "what you call aging."*
Yes, you really want to see what that guy looks like at age 1,000. Now, some people might think it's a bad idea to live to 1,000. Imagine another 990 years of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie doing, for example, The Simple Life: CMLXL ( errrr ... is that 990? I am actually not Roman ) and where will we put all those Mexicans?
I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness so, naturally, science has the answer; Logan's Run.
Yes, we just have to start killing people. It only makes sense that if science is going to extend life indefinitely, we have to find creative ways to whack people as well.
We have a few options; instead of killing people at age 30, for example, we just might not let ugly people have access to life-extending goodness. "Oh, we lost your paperwork" is always acceptable as an excuse. And since they're ugly people they've been screwed since birth so they are used to getting the short end of things. The committee that would decide who is not ugly would consist of the same committee members that used to determine which women could wear designer jeans: me.
Here is an example from the Logan's Run motion picture of who would be allowed to escape the big red glow:
Science had its first erection watching Farrah Fawcett in that movie. Well, I mean science had its first erection of the evening of May 11th, 1977 watching her in that movie.
If selective breeding out of ugly people doesn't seem like a viable solution, we could always make a game out of killing people, like in that Schwarzenegger movie, or pretend that the participants are furry cartoon creatures and that they will shake it off when they get hit in the face with a frying pan. Because everyone loves furry cartoon creatures.
*Hey, don't laugh. Corned beef has no corn either. Try putting that on your Reuben.
Science Is Fallible - Even With My Nobel Prize In Awesome
I'm not often wrong - in science, sex or sports. Especially when they're all the same thing. I was the one who predicted the Steelers would be the greatest team in the NFL and I was so convinced I got my hotel in Detroit well in advance. As a result, I got to ask Tommy Lee what's up with him and his transvestite hookers and you got the exclusive scoop here.
So I am proud of my track record when it comes to sports. It's science, people, just like sex. As I always say, love may be chemistry but sex is all physics.
Was I predicting the USA would do well in the World Cup? Not at all. I predicted they would be out in the first round, even though we are ranked number five in the world. What I did predict was a victory by Holland. And the Dutch let me down.
You know I created a whole simulator for just that reason. You all read about a day in the life of a physicist so you know how I roll.
Some 60 billion eyeballs watched World Cup games this year but it wasn't a huge hit in America, mostly because it is marketed poorly and a little dull if you prefer train wrecks like the NFL. You owe it to yourself and scientists worldwide to see what a truly appealling World Cup match for US fans would look like:
Okay, so the cherry on top of the sundae of delicious goodness that is science has predicted how to sell soccer to American audiences, but what couldn't science predict? That French midfielder Zinedane Zidane would go absolutely apes**t after smelly Italian bigmouth Marco Materazzi called him a "dirty terrorist" ( and then you can enjoy Zidane's priceless retort here) in overtime, getting ZiZou thrown out of the game and causing them to lose on penalty kicks when Trezeguet missed. We mostly couldn't predict it because we didn't believe there was a Frenchman who knew how to fight.* We also didn't predict that Jennifer Lopez is secretly a Voodoo priestess, though this would explain the fame of a talent-less lump of grease with a caboose bigger than my car. And no one - and I mean no one - could predict that Nick Lachey will find even more ways to get laid by going on tour. It looks like it is time to update Nick Lachey's CandyLand Game again.
*Zidane's parents are Algerian, not French, which explains both his willingness not to be a pussy and his sensitivity to the terrorism remark. Sweety is taking no prisoners here: "Duh," says she. "There were 10 minutes left in the World Cup. Of course they were trying to get inside his head." I am still with Zidane on this one. Want to see me lose it? Call me a Civil Engineer some time.
Here's a lesson for American soccer. If you want to advance in the World Cup, play like ... Americans. Yes, you heard me. As the German obliteration of Portugal showed, the American way works. German national team coach Jurgen Klinsmann may be German but he lives in LA and began coaching in LA. Much of his staff and training methods - American. He commutes to Germany. Meanwhile, the coach of the American team tried to be European; lots of defense and hope to score in the 90th minute.
We fought two whole wars to not be European and two wars cleaning up their messes so why would any American coach try to be European? Does Europe have MTV on satellite? You bet they do and you know why? Because no one wants to listen to European music ( Carla Bruni excepted ), that's why.
So in case Jurgen does not take over the US National team ( and I am betting he will - he did not like being pissed all over by the Germans only for them to make nice when he started winning ) here is a lesson for any coach who wants to make it in America: defense ain't where the Cadillacs are.
The Scientific Community Gives Jessica Alba An Award
What Award, you ask, since she is pretty much an illiterate sock monkey? She gets the coveted Science 'Good Girl' Award for this picture:
God bless the magic of 2-D visualization. What prize did she get? She received a pearl necklace.
The World Cup 3rd place match is today* so it is off to the gym early, wearing my ( get one of your own here ) "We might suck at soccer but at least our babies aren't starving" t-shirt, where I will do four minutes of cardio followed by some light weights while watching "Punk'd" reruns. Scientists aren't born looking like this, you know.
*Germany versus Mexico. Or Portugal. Anyway, it's one of those third world countries where they have no word for 'humor.'
Your Science News For Friday
Ozzie Osbourne was not home when Satan came to collect - you didn't think his puzzling success for 3.5 decades had to do with musical ability, did you? Luckily, Ozzie's brain is so addled even he didn't know where he was so Satan missed him and burned down his mansion instead.
Satan is scary. So scary, in fact, that some girls get their tops scared right off of them. Look for my video, "Girls So Scared Their Tops Come Right Off Of Them" in September, 2006.
Naturally, when the video comes out, they will lie to their future boyfriends about being in it. Just like lots of people who claim to be virgins lie about having sex. Generally, scientists are okay with lying - but only when we're the ones doing it.
Speaking of lying, I have a complaint. Most of you lie about how much you like scientists. How do I know? Because this list of the 50 most popular science blogs does not include mine. Get thee to thy templates and place a link to me, people. Science needs more humor and 43 of the 50 on this list are about environmental junk science - B.O.R.I.N.G. You can Blogroll me also. But Technorati seems to be biased toward links. Bastards.
What am I excited about this weekend? I ordered two sets of soy-sauce-dispensing chopsticks. Because chicks dig gadgets. And I won't dig cleaning dishes after I dropped $50 on sushi for a chick I met this week on Myspace. Her name is Natalia, which happens to be the same name these girls use to rob guys they meet on Myspace, but I bet that's just coincidence. I hope she doesn't turn out to be 15, like the last one. Again with the lying on the internet. Don't these people read my blog?
In a few days we bid farewell to the World Cup. So no more women who dress like this:
The World Cup hasn't been the big bonanza for brothels they thought it would be. That's because the brothels have mostly German women, of course. And no one can understand these signs:
Finally, fellow scientists have discovered a mystery object in the heart of a supernova. Know what it is? It's L-O-V-E, people. So share the love. You can start with me - by putting me in the top 50 science blogs.
Science Hasn't Yet Invented A Way To Make The Right Women Get Naked - We'll Work On That
Ashlee Simpson won't get naked, even for $4 million - and, you have to admit, after her excellent new prosthetic face, she looks almost human, so she might be worth seeing naked:
Meanwhile, Britney Spears won't put on clothes:
How much do we have to pay for her to stop getting naked?
Finally, after her new prosthetic mouth, Hilary Duff looks less like a duck and more like a horse:
So it's a good day for science and chicks - if you are on The Island of Doctor Moreau, that is. What's the over-under on teeth lost in a cage match between Hilary Duff and Ashlee Simpson anyway? I bet I am taking the Over.
Hilary Swank Says She's Not Getting Divorced Because Chad Lowe Looks Like A Girl
Finally, the kid gloves come off. When it was announced that Hilary Swank and some guy named Chad Lowe ( i.e. Nobody) were getting divorced, speculation was rampant as to why. As usual science has the answer.
She says it is "substance abuse" that led to the downfall of their fairy-tale romance and not that he is kind of a skinny dweeb with no prospects and she has an Oscar and looks like this:
We all know the real reason she left him is because she wants to step up to someone who does not look like her little sister. Studies have shown that if you look more feminine than your wife, she will find a man instead. Science rules. Swank recognizes she erred by not consulting science the first time around. Says Swank: "I make mistakes; I'm not some squeaky-clean person here."
You heard it here first, folks. She needs discipline and is a dirty girl. The line forms after me.
MAFIA is an acronym for Morte Alle Francia Italia Anela. Translation: "The death of France is the song of Italy." Yes, the French and Italians like each other that much. But after France clubbed Mexico ( or Portugal; the Portugese have no sense of humor about that joke - see the comments - but even The Simpsons can't tell which country is which. ) in the World Cup semifinal these two world powers are all you have.
The only thing funnier than having a USA team in the World Cup Final clobbering a European team is having them clobber each other in the newspapers. You've never seen intolerance until you've seen a European country geared up to hate ... everyone who isn't from their country. What's funny and scientific about hatred and intolerance, you ask? Read on, my friends.
What the Germans know is the science of rage: their newspapers went after England by stating David Beckham's mother had "the smile of a peasant" - there's nothing Europeans hate more than being pissed on by other Europeans, especially by a country full of people who invented the golden shower. Then they went after Italy by calling Italians "lazy and greasy, among other things."
And those are the two countries they really like so just imagine if the USA had been in the final. Now we can only dream about a Germany-France match. It would have been the kind of walk-over that makes any Guderian fan proud. All the German fans had to do was sit in the stands behind the French goal and hold up a Star of David and the Germans would have blitzkrieged the ball clear through the netting, into the crowd and out Topol's back. Instead we have to watch the Italians, who don't know how to fight at all, against the French, who just do it badly.*
So, given those constraints, Viva La France! Because perhaps Der Spiegel shouldn't have called Italians "parasites, mama's boys and slimy" in their newspaper but that doesn't mean they don't have a point.
*Except that Joan of Arc chick, who proved the French could win a war provided a French man wasn't in charge.
Woody Allen Gets Creepier
There hasn't been such an unabashed pedophile since Roman Polanski - though if you saw Sharon Tate at the end of The Wrecking Crew and the way she was so hot she warped the very fabric of time and space you can understand why he spent his life trying to replace her after Chuck Manson took an axe to her - but at least Roman Polanski had the dignity to flee to France when he got busted.
Like the French even notice yet another old guy chasing around girls 50 years younger than he is. Woody Allen isn't fleeing his demons, though. He gives interviews about them. Okay, "pedophile" probably isn't the right word and as people of science we should be clear in our speech. Woody didn't actually take nude photographs ( and get busted ) and later marry his not-really-my-daughter, Soon-Yi Previn, until she was 22. But I bet they made out before then.
Magically, Scarlett Johansson is approaching that 22 age and Allen, now a frisky, 71, says she is "sexually overwhelming."
Soon-Yi is getting a little long in the tooth. He can claim Viagra gives him gas and that is why they haven't had sex since he filmed Match Point but no one is fooled. Especially not Soon-Yi.
Even If You're Fat And Rich, You're Still Screwed
Because we needed this study to tell us money can't buy happiness* and this one to tell us fat people actually are not more jolly than the rest of us.
So the next time someone tries to set me up on a date by using the catch-phrase "she is sooooo jolly" I will see right through it. I'll know they mean she is really thin and hot.
So, really, what is the benefit to being fat if you can't sit around smugly eating your second box of Krispy Kreme's secure in the knowledge that you're happier than the rest of us?. I, for one, am happy to hear someone finally did this study. I have gotten tired of fat people always lording it over me because they are supposedly so much happier than I am. And I'm tired of them making jokes about me not shopping in the 'stout' section of department stores. End intolerance toward thin people now.
This is one time I think more money should be thrown at studies. We have improved as a society now that fat people can't continue to act superior because of their innate happiness.
Now they should do a study proving that men with small hands and sports cars don't have small penises. Because I am really fed up with that one too.
*See the full study here. Their studies also show Republicans are happier than Democrats. But that's because we're all Oil Barons.
The Hoff Loses His Hand In The Cloud City
If you're going to fake an injury, make it as ridiculous as possible. David Hasselhoff thinks he can distract us from injuries he incurred while tearing down the Berlin Wall with his bare hands by inventing an elaborate tale about chandeliers and shaving in London.
Why is it these stories always take place in obscure third world countries like England, where they can never be confirmed?
These unconfirmed sources want us to believe he was shaving in the hotel gym - yeah, we all do that - when he hit his head on a chandelier and cut his arm.
Chandeliers in the gym? Hitting his head? Did he see that in a Mr. Bean episode? He figures we never see BBC comedies. Over there he probably told them he injured himself fighting his father with light sabers:
We all know the truth. He hurt himself bitch-slappin' his wife.
We got your back on this one, Hoff. It ain't matrimony, it's mack-rimony. And you gotta pimp accordingly.