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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Jessica Biel Is A Cheap Date



And officially a good sport. And she raised $30,000 for a charity auction by donating a lunch date. A local guy named John paid $30,000 for the opportunity to hit on Biel, who was rightfully ESQUIRE's 'sexiest woman alive' last year. Said Biel in a taped message, "I promise, I'm a cheap date." Nope. Biel just went up in stature, I am thinking.

I bought a date with an actress for charity once. Why? Well, it's a tax write-off and, if I didn't, a 5'10" blonde girl was going to be stuck eating with some fat guy who smelled funny.

Have you seen her in anything? No, but neither had I. Go here if you want to download a clip of what low-budget, terrifically profitable horror movies look like. As if the title Vamps 2: Blood Sisters doesn't tell you what you need to know.

Expect John to make his move on Jessica Biel August 18th. He owes it to men everywhere.

posted by your friendly neighborhood Moderator at 7:31 AM
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