Science Shows You How To Get Twice As Much Pussy
Heisenberg ( get your sour grapes shirt here) once postulated that a cat could be alive and dead at the same time. What he didn't foresee was that one day a cat would be born that could be both normal and a mutated aberration at the same time:
And yet there it is, another scientific miracle, normal except for the freakish two-headed aspect. Some of you may be worried that this cat will be subject to persecution and ridicule by other cats. Fear not. All we have to do is make a quaint holiday video and have him save Christmas and he can get all the adulation any two-faced cat needs.
Holiday videos can't do a thing about hurricanes, but then neither can scientists. Sure, we can say 'hey, those levees need to be bigger' and then environmentalists can say 'no, that's bad for the environment' and then we can all pretend to be right until the best strip club in America ends up under water. But Mr. T must be a heck of a scientist because he has the answer. He's going to give up his bling to stop hurricanes.
I pity the fool who argues with that kind of logic. Mr. T says he saw actual poor people after Hurricane Katrina and that made him feel guilty and he rebukes other celebrities who just go for photo-ops saying, "If you're not going to go down there with a check and a hammer and a nail to help the people, don't go down there."
He must be really proud of Sean Penn. He brought a check and a shotgun. But he needed one because, as he said, "there's bodies everywhere" and he was concerned they would turn into zombies.
I still feel bad that seeing poor people made Mr. T feel guilty and give up his bling. But, as a scientist, I have the solution. I will tell him to get the American Express Centurion Card. That's the black one. When you use it, poor people actually disappear.