You Think Your Alimony Stinks
Wait, do they even have alimony outside the third world any more? They'd better not. I am okay with a woman working as long as it doesn't get in the way of her baking me pies in the kitchen. But once those pies stop coming, you better believe she's going right back home to her daddy. But since she can work I don't see why I should have to pay alimony if she squanders her opportunity to wallow in domestic bliss by making me pies. It's not like the old days when you could tell her to keep the pies coming and she would listen. These days she has choices. And choices mean consquences. Namely none of my sweet lovin'. Or my money.
In Iran, things are different. The good part about getting married in Iran is that to get a divorce you only have to say "I divorce you" three times or some crazy thing. The bad news is she can ask for a pre-nuptial agreement. And alimony. In advance.
So this poor guy just got hit with alimony of 15 million dollars in gold pieces. The judge thought that was a little extreme and is allowing him to pay it in monthly installments, which means he has just over 10,000 years to square things away with his ex-. Heck, I couldn't even keep my comic books.
Luckily for him the judge was a man.
Elisha Cuthbert Has A Blog
I know, I know. Who the hell is Elisha Cuthbert and who cares about her blog?
She was basically a useless appendage on "24" last season and is, consequentally, gone. And the first two seasons she was kinda dumpy, but she ruled in The Girl Next Door and now she pretty much looks like this:
That's why you care.
Celebrity Couple Fights In Public
I can't speak for you but I'd rather go into a homeless shelter and have sex with the first girl who didn't throw cat poop at me than sleep with this girl, who Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller with.
Seriously, unless her vagina is made of heroin I can't see any reason at all a guy could be so mind-numbingly stupid to think it was a good idea to sleep with her and lose Sienna Miller all at the same time. It's the most shocking case of poor judgment and bad taste since Bill Clinton and whatever-her-name was. Only Jude Law had the good taste not to do it in the Oval Office. On Easter Sunday.
Yet somehow these two keep coming back for more. So they had a big fight at some restaurant no one cares about and stormed off and this is news. Jude, you can get another girl. Sienna ... well, don't even get me started on who you can have.
Christina Aguilera Gets Married, Gives Hope To Ugly Guys Everywhere
Okay, she got married and actually looks pretty good here, but what woman doesn't on her wedding day?
Yet look at the guy she married. Dude, you can shave on your wedding day. What this really does is reaffirm the advice I have given to women countless times: DATE UGLY MEN. They try harder.
I mean, look at this guy. I have five medical degrees and I still can't figure out what's wrong with his teeth.
An Argument For Concubines
Okay, before all you crazy feminists get upset and menstruate all over your computer screens because of that headline, hear me out.
Well, get in the kitchen and bake me a pie. Then hear me out.
Mistresses are getting popular in China. Some Commie bigwigs spend their days bilking the proletariat and then their nights canoodling with as many as seven mistresses who all live in lavish apartments.
Okay, I agree anything in excess is bad. And seven mistresses would be a lot even for me. And I have two penises. But let's get back to the core argument, that being the mistress of modern times or the plain old concubine of yore. Why did it ever fall out of fashion? What are the pros and cons?
My brother, who is the Font of All Important Knowledge, doesn't keep a concubine. He doesn't need to because he doesn't have a wife. He is so Zen he goes one step beyond that. He keeps his women in line by inventing a wife. That's right, if a girl goes nonlinear and he needs to make a clean exit, he will "drop the wife bomb."
When I heard about this fascinating strategic level assault on any relationship he needed to vacate I said, as you would, "But you don't have a wife."
"You don't need a wife," he replied. "You just need the perception of a wife."
So obviously he is the guy to consult about concubines. The first thing he told me was that his important "wife bomb" strategy did not work well in reverse. "It is not a good idea to 'drop the concubine bomb' on an actual wife during an argument," he told me. Which seemed to make sense. A good laugh isn't worth 50% of your assets.
But we got into the heart of concubine concept in general and he had the following sage wisdom:
1) Most wives are bothered by sex anyway. Wives tend to operate on a higher intellectual plane than husbands so they should be absolved of responsibilities like sex. Plus they get big asses after a few kids and are self-conscious about it so they probably don't want to be naked in front of men.
2) Most wives have full lives. They don't want to be bothered with things like parties and dinners. They've heard all of their husbands' stories already plus they would likely be uncomfortable around all the smaller-bottomed, young concubines escorting the other men in attendance.
3) It's good for the economy, especially in China. Government officials in China don't make much money. Mistresses are quite expensive. So in order to afford a mistress a government official has to embezzle money. All that money lost to fraud and embezzlement has to be replaced, which leads to greater productivity. That's good for business.
4) It's good for the world. No one but ignorant savages in third world countries and college professors who have never had real jobs think Communism can ever work for long. All that fraud leads to dissension, mistrust and the eventual collapse of Communism. Yayyyy Capitalism. Reagan went to the Brandenburg Gate in Germany and drove a stake into the evil heart of Soviet communism with his "tear down this wall" speech. As much as I would chuckle at Bush 43 standing on The Great Wall of China and hearing him say "Tear down this wall", I don't think it's very practical. Since that wall is 3000 miles long.
It isn't all balloons and ponies for the "golden canary" industry, even in China. Some provinces have started requiring men to register their mistresses. That sort of takes away the thrill and forbidden mystery of having one. And some wives in China aren't seeing the wisdom as laid out by my brother and have started fighting back, clearly deviating from the cultural norms that one would expect from submissive Chinese women.
I blame the fact that they can get MTV on satellite.
More about modern Chinese tarts here
Did Tom Cruise Buy Katie Holmes A Jet?
Why would you buy a jet as a wedding present? Isn't the whole point of getting married so you can spend more time together? Giving her a jet sorta encourages her to be off flying somewhere else.
Maybe she's going to be a pilot in her next movie and she wants to do her own stunts? Tom Cruise does his own stunts, you know. Except for that one involving getting Katie Holmes pregnant.
"I Dream Of Jeannie" Back On
I've heard about this a few times and every time I think it's been canned it comes back up. How many TV-sitcom-to-movie flops have to occur before they shelve these things? "Charlie's Angels" = ridiculous but fun. "Mod Squad" = so gut churningly bad I couldn't even watch it. On a plane. And planes are like hostage situations minus the friendly Muslim men with beards and guns. Well, some of the time. So I'll watch anything on a plane. I think "Eddie" and "Seven Years In Tibet" are the only other movies where I just took the earphones out and decided I would rather watch some Asian grandmother pick her nose.
But, if they're going to make this thing anyway, try not to completely screw the pooch on the casting. I have no gripe with Jimmy Fallon as MAJ Nelson. After all, he's a stumbling boob and the character is too. He's also not the star.
Inevitably you have to talk about the star. I hear Jessica Simpson once in a while, because she's blonde and kinda dumb. But Barbara Eden wasn't dumb ... her character just played it a little dumb. It takes a smart lady to play dumb. And remember, the character is an icon and she looks like this:
I know. Hubba, hubba. So you don't want to get too crazy with the casting. I have heard Kate Bosworth and she might be okay but I've never seen her be funny. She's been in comedies, but not as the funny girl. So here's my pick - and you may think I'm crazy: Jennifer Garner.
I know, I know, she isn't blonde but she has been blonde plenty of times on "Alias." And you're thinking, 'Hey, didn't you used to date her?' which would make me biased. No, I never dated her. I dated someone that she happens to look a lot like. Which is not the same thing. Plus, she completely stole "13 Going On 30" or whatever that movie was. Total comedy, she played the lead, and she did a great job. You'll thank me later. Well, you'll thank me right now for putting up this pic:
Newest Buddha Is Skinny - Fat Advocates Blame It On Media Pressure
Ram Bomjon has a pretty good gig. He spends his days meditating under a tree. He hasn't had to cook or order takeout for six months. Heck, he hasn't eaten anything at all. Not even a McNugget, say the thousands of worshippers who have flocked to southern Nepal to worship the 15-year-old boy.
As you can imagine, 6 months without food or water has made him pretty skinny. Now, that's not for me, man. When I grow up to be Buddha I want to look like this guy.
Still, as weight loss programs go, this kid is onto something. Something even cooler than enlightenment and light shining from his forehead. You see, I've always been baffled by the weight loss dilemma. But I am baffled by the Jitterbug and the popularity of Kenny Chesney too. Let's face it, they have done studies for 60 years on weight loss - and there were no fat people before 1945 so they didn't bother prior to that. In every instance, genetic makeup or not, people who consumed fewer calories than they burned lost weight. Every single time.
But is anyone flocking to Nepal to talk to this kid about writing a book on his diet regimen? No way. They just want to see him and buy a picture for 4 rupees. In 500 BC it took the original Buddha 49 days sitting under a tree to reach spiritual enlightenment. All it takes for me is a picture of my chick in tight jeans. But this kid has been sitting there for six months and is still only a Rinpoche.
Which goes to show you, education isn't what it used to be.
Teen Charged For Having Sex With Dummy
Michael Plentyhorse got arrested because he was found sprawled with a dummy on the floor of an arts center in South Dakota with his pants down.
For some reason, this is a big deal. An object of derision and ridicule for the rest of his life? Sure. But a big deal? I should think not. He's 18 and probably hangs around in chat rooms a lot, so his choices may have been limited. Heck, I know one older kid in my hometown who supposedly had sex with a cow. I don't know if he did or not ... and since the only quality time I ever spent with him was when he drove me 40 miles to a hospital with my fingers half cut off, I sure as heckfire wasn't going to ask him then.
But that's not the point of this rant. This rant is about perspective. So this kid is in trouble because the 'dummy' in this case turned out to be a mannequin. But what if the dummy had been Jessica Simpson? Would the police still arrest him? Sure. But only to confiscate his digital camera so they could download the pictures before they had to give it back.
This is a girl so dumb her husband gets caught with strippers and his excuse is because he likes to talk to "smart girls." This is a girl so dumb she thought it was a good idea for her to make a clothing line for fat people. And her creepy father, Joe, demonstrated her apple didn't fall far from the tree when he said to USA Today, "We have people 300 pounds or 90 pounds come up to Jessica and say, 'I'm just like you' ... It's not about the outside. It's what's inside."
Huh? Jessica Simpson thinks 300 lb. girls and anorexic zombies feel just like her? In most cases, I'll buy anything a dumb, hot girl is selling. But even I would laugh at that. And I haven't had sex since 2 AM. So you know I'm desperate.
Over-reactionaries in South Dakota think this guy might have to be registered as a sex offender. This is the kind of thing that makes those 'sex offender' lists almost useless. If some angry ex-girlfriend claims her ex-boyfriend raped her cat, that should not land him on a sex offender list. Likewise, this poor dweeb has enough humiliation coming to him, thanks to our friends at Google. I don't think sticking him on that list will accomplish much.
Hope Matchan, of the prosecutors' department, said: "People might say it's relatively harmless. But I certainly would want to know if this person was my neighbor."
Why not just cover up the naked mannequins you apparently keep in the window of your house to tease this kid, Hope?
Tommy Lee Hooked On Absinthe And Strippers
Well, who isn't? Except replace 'strippers' with supermodels and 'absinthe' with Cheez-Doodles. There's nothing like canoodling with supermodels while enjoying a bag of Cheez-Doodles.
But unlike Tommy, I don't go for "La Fée Verte" - that's the French term for Absinthe but, being French people and therefore 80% gay, the literal translation is "the green fairy." Instead, when I want to engage in fantasy-like hallucinations, I simply consult this picture of Jessica Alba.
Posh Spice Has Plastic Boobies
I was always more of a Scary Spice fan myself so I don't pay much attention to Posh Spice news. If she weren't nailing the most famous footie player in the world, I am sure she would have the name recognition of Lisa Loeb by now. So I admit little surprise upon learning she has plastic jubblies.
I remain surprised, however, that she has never read a book. I don't have a ton of patience for dumb chicks. Even when they're hot, naked and dumb. Well, okay, sometimes if they're hot, naked and dumb. Like weekends. And my birthday.
But Posh Spice is dumb yet still has enough money to buy Abraham Lincoln's brain, if she wanted to. I have to respect that.
Japanese Man Breaks Into Brief, Feminine Run
I don't really need to add anything to that to make it funny, do I?
Bollywood Version Of "Bewitched" Seems To Be Lacking Romantic Comedy Flair
In America we think of witches and they are hot stay-at-home wives who wrinkle their noses in cute ways and have dinner on the table at 6. Or, if we're feeling exotic about it, we dress them up like Barbara Eden in a costume so hot the very sight of it even today turns my teeth to powder and makes me sterile. Or whatever the opposite of sterile is, actually.
Not so in India, home of Bollywood movies where everyone is rich - culturally if not monetarily - and they break into spontaneous singing and dancing during moments of drama. In India, this whole witchcraft thing is serious stuff, and it results in real girl-on-girl action, but not the "download from Kazaa because I am too lazy to buy it" kind. If a girl in India thinks another girl is a witch, she gets to charge her 500 rupees ( which is a lot of money, something like 8 bazillion dollars ) and make her eat human feces and just generally slap her around.
I know, I know, it doesn't sound all that sexy to me either, but who I am to judge?
Anna Nicole Smith Finally Gets Interesting
This is why we love the internet. It used to be that if you met a nice waitress named Tracy and put her in handcuffs and covered her neck with hickeys and had buckets of lesbian sex it was going to be a discreet one-time affair. And if your kid is in the house sleeping, no one is the wiser.
But since these are the days of digital cameras and nothing is ever removed from the internet, and the barmaid spent far too much time bragging about the night she spent with her new celebrity friend, including sharing digital photos with customers - well, it now means that we have a reason to think about Anna Nicole Smith again.
Not just because she is having sex with someone close to her own age, which is nice ... and not because she is seducing someone way below her income bracket, which is very egalitarian of her. But mostly because I now have a reason to visit Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood to play bingo, because this Tracy chick is clearly deviant enough to be a lot of fun.
And here you thought I was going to talk about the time I was a cabana boy and Anna Nicole seduced me when she was married to that 140 year old guy, didn't you? Nope. Because I am much more discreet than Tracy. And I didn't own a digital camera back then. And the 1 Hour Photo place refused to develop my pictures.
How To Make The Marriage Rate Tumble
As if the Swedes hadn't already become the most ridiculed people on the planet by releasing news stories about drunken moose, now a 'study' they have done contends that oral sex leads to mouth cancer.
This is as silly as saying driving leads to car accidents. OF COURSE you can't have a car accident if you don't drive. Likewise you can only get mouth cancer from giving oral sex. This seems like common sense. To Swedes.
But is anyone out there advocating we reduce the speed limit to 5 MPH? No. And malpractice kills 100,000 people per year. Does anyone advocate getting rid of doctors? No. So why would these two killers of much more people be let off the hook while the much smaller oral sex industry gets the spotlight?
Lobbyists. The oral sex industry doesn't have highly paid lobbyists pleading their case in Sweden. Or anywhere else. But I think they should or they could find themselves legislated out of business.
I say we send everyone's favorite porn star, Gauge. Not because she knows all that much about oral sex but because she's really, really flexible.
"You should avoid having oral sex," said dentist and researcher Kerstin Rosenquist, who headed the study, when she released the findings to Swedish news agency TT.
Yeah, and I should be a Chinese jet pilot. But I'm not. And I would totally attack Sweden if I were.
Did Keira Knightley Turn 30?
At the "Pride and Prejudice" premiere she actually looked kinda hot, so I am assuming she magically turned from boyish, plain-looking "Bend It Like Beckham" star and boyish, plain-looking "Pirates of the Carribean" star to sorta hottie because she hit that magical age.
Oops, my bad. No, it's because you can see her nipple.
Enjoy Her Nipple Here
What To Do If You Are In The Tallest Building In Japan During An Earthquake
If you're like me, the first thing you might do is wake up the Asian girl whose name you can't remember because you picked her up in a bar and you drank until she was cute and say, 'Shitsurei shimasu, doiuimi desu ka WHEN THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' BUILDING IS SHAKING?'
She might reply that my Japanese sucks worse than my lovemaking but she would like me anyway if I would simply lose some muscle mass, shrink my enormous penis and never speak again. And then call me a fag for waking her up. Not that that happened.
And since my chick is the only one who reads this thing, that really, really did not happen. Except the earthquake.
But if the rest of it did happen, you might think it was just the wind until 20 minutes later when you pull up the trusty news service and see there was an actual earthquake. And there might be a really cool tsunami off the coast somewhere, and maybe it will take some of those cutesy alien-looking creatures that are trying to compete with that duck in the AFLAC commercials out to sea where they can be buried for eternity.
'Cause I love that duck.
What To Do If You Are Sedated By A Thai Tranvestite
Now, if there's one thing I know, it's Thai hookers. And I can tell you, if a Thai man wants to dress up like a woman and hide a sedative in his mouth and stick it down your throat while kissing you, it's going to happen. And you will get robbed. And maybe lose a kidney.
So the police in Bangkok are putting people on notice. Heck, one poor slob who simply wanted the fiduciary joy of rewarding a boy who dressed like a girl for sexual favors was robbed of $7,300 in cash and valuables. Whatever that means. Unless your lost pride and dignity at having to tell the police and then your wife that you got robbed by a Thai hooker who turned out to be a man counts as 'valuables.'
A police lieutenant colonel has this warning for tourists: "Don't rush to kiss a stranger on the mouth or you will end up in a deep sleep."
Truer words were never spoken.
Gene Simmons Can Be Sued For Defamation But, Strangely, Not For "Unmasked."
Am I missing something or did the world go crazy while I was asleep? State Supreme Court Justice Rosalyn Richter says Gene Simmons can be sued for defamation because a picture of Georgeann Walsh Ward ( i.e. nobody ) with him was used in a "rockumentary" in which he admitted having sex with 4,600 women, which makes her look 'unchaste.'
You were dating a member of KISS and you're worried you looked unchaste? He had sex with 4,600 women. You're lucky he even knows your name much less showed you in his documentary.
What's next? The supermodels I have nailed will get upset about it if I mention it here? Bring on the lawsuits! And Angelina Jolie can deny she picked me up in a hotel bar during the filming of Cyborg 2, but you know how many people have been told my story about how I lost the feeling on the fingertips in my left hand? Buckets of them ... I almost shot my Coca Cola out my nose when I was on the plane watching "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" and she ad-libbed that little bit of character depth.
So yeah, I got my eye on your millions too, Angelina. If your next movie has you talking about that time my daddy shot a deer out my bedroom window and woke me up to make me go drag it in, I am getting me some compensation.
Your bone-jarringly hot ass can't save you from my wrath.
Okay, it can. But you're still a bitch.
European Anthropologists Try To Salvage Some Pride Contending They Are Descended From Hunters
Not that there's anything wrong with being a farmer. Let me say that up front. But farming ain't where the Cadillacs are, if you know what I mean. If you meet a girl and tell her you can plant a seed and watch it grow for 4 months, it doesn't exactly instill the same kind of old-school, animalistic confidence as it does if you let her know you can gut and skin a buck and have some meat on the table by dinner time.
So the news that European DNA in the old skeletons probably didn't come from middle eastern farmers migrating across the continent is likely a welcome relief when middle easterners are rioting across France. More middle eastern migration news seems to be a bad thing these days.
And it isn't like anyone thinks the modern French were descended from hunters or farmers anyway. We all know they are descended from cowards and traitors, since pretty much all of the cool French people were killed in World War 2.
The article appears in next week's SCIENCE magazine or you can see some news in the link below.
Happy Veteran's Day
Admittedly my military experience was kinda tame compared to modern times. But that's because Reagan was President. And no one wanted to screw with Reagan. Heck, when there was even a hint that the Libyans blew up a German discotheque and killed Americans, he sent F-111 love missiles and whacked a few of Qaddafi's kids. So you didn't mess with Reagan. You think Rambo II could have been made when Clinton was President?
Now, my actual combat experience was pretty much limited to the Battle of Frick Park in Pittsburgh, PA. The high point of that was watching Bob Early have simulated sex with a tree. Upside down. And you know what wasn't easy. But I wasn't in fear for my life either.
So, thanks guys. And, the rest of you, be sure to buy a Veteran a beer.
Best Reason Jessica Simpson Was The Wrong Person To Be Daisy Duke
Because Victoria Silverstedt is clearly oh so right.
Not Only Are Swedish People Drinking Themselves To Death, So Are The Animals
Supposedly this moose in Sweden and her calf got drunk on fermented apples. That happened here once. Only replace 'moose' with 'me on my 21st birthday' and 'fermented apples' with 'A Fifth of Jim Beam and a case of Knickerbocker beer capped off by an orgy of unprotected sex with a trio of identical supermodels.'
Greenpeace Sticks It To The Man By Destroying A Coral Reef Before Global Warming Can
Puffy, cigar-smoking executives from Greenpeace covered their heads and refused to answer questions from the media when it was discovered their military-industrial policies had resulted in shocking levels of damage to Tubbataha Reef Marine Park, in the Sulu Sea, 400 miles south-east of Manila.
Greenpeace agreed to pay the insignificant $7,000 fine levied but blamed the accident on outdated maps provided by the Philippines government. Competing environmental group The Sierra Club issues a press release from its own skyscraper contending that the damage should have been millions.
Not so, said Greenpeace. It was just an accident. Not like the Exxon Valdez and all that other stuff, which were done on purpose by big oil companies to charge more money for less oil. An ACCIDENT.
"The chart indicated we were a mile and a half" from the coral reef when the ship ran aground, regional Greenpeace official Red Constantino told AFP news agency. "This accident could have been avoided if the chart was accurate," he said, adding, however, that Greenpeace felt "responsible" for the damage.
Responsible?!? You ran your friggin' boat into a coral reef. How could you not feel responsible?
Ironically, the Greenpeace divers were at the Tubbataha park, off the coast of Palawan island, to inspect the effect of global warming on the coral reef. Now they get to inspect the effect of ramming a really big ship into it.
Indian Couple Sets Lovemaking Record
This guy is so Tantric even Sting tells him to go ahead and have an orgasm. Scientists in India say they have discovered two fossils fused together in sexual union for 65 million years.
65 million years! This girl must be the Mesozoic Era version of Jaime Pressly for him to stay hard so long.
Park Director Unearths Burial Ground, Inadvertently Begins Zombie Movie
"I ... saw little bits of bone down the hillside and some of it had washed away in the surf already," said James Richeson, the parks supervisor at Indian Island County Park in Riverside, NY, inadvertently causing the country to be overrun by Native American zombies.
A closer inspection uncovered skull and bone fragments, as well as several artifacts, including a ceramic bowl and pipe covered with ornate geometric markings. The artifacts date at least 500 years.
Okay, all of that is true except for the zombies part. But doesn't it sound like the way a zombie movie should start?
Why The Steelers Are The Best Team In The NFL - No Cheerleaders
Don't get me wrong. If I have to see cheerleaders I want them to be lesbian cheerleaders who have sex in public restrooms and then punch protesting patrons on the way out. And, to be sure, the overall American interest level in these Carolina Panthers girls has quickly catapulted beyond the meager interest in the Raiderettes or whatever they call the cheerleaders for the Dallas Cowboys. But that's only to see what these nutso chicks will do next. And in hopes that even more violence-filled panty-flying nakedness will ensue in the next town the Panthers play.
Cheerleaders are an anachronism under the best of circumstances. Sure, in the 1970s when sports on TV was newer and interest in the NFL was ramping to peak levels, some cheesecake titillation went a long way. But I can see better than that on basic cable now so their only option is to get even more shocking and outrageous or fade into history.
The XFL tried having sexier cheerleaders and even that wasn't enough to save them. Though I got a lap dance in the stands from one of them, so the XFL wasn't all bad.
The French Worry About Discrimination
Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin, who is actually not a woman, stated with the usual French decisiveness that France faces a "moment of truth" in fighting racial discrimination and "what is being questioned is the effectiveness of our integration model."
What integration model? Who is less tolerant of diversity than the French? Would 20% of the music in French radio stations be French if the government didn't mandate it? The French have been perfectly happy to go their own disastrous way as long as it paid for their over-burdened socialist machine.
Now, I have no problem with the French. Even in Paris, I got perfect service and treatment so impeccably polite I almost asked for a refund. But I am a white foreigner and my last visit was before Bush went to Iraq and did the exact same thing France did in Ivory Coast - namely, invade a sovereign nation that was supposedly not a threat outside its own borders and impose their own government because it was in the national interests of France. I imagine somewhere between 2003 and about 13 days ago that my reception as an American would have been pretty frosty.
But I bet the French are begging to have western Europeans ... or Americans descended from western Europeans ... over for a cup of crappy coffee now.
If you want to solve discrimination, it won't happen by having a government official with a girl's name mandate it. He does not seem to recognize what the average man on the street in France does. Letting in anyone, including zealots who believe the entire world is either Muslim or about to become it, is going to cause problems. Discrimination is solved by giving people a fair chance no matter what their last name is ... and by only allowing in people who want to be French.
Jennifer Aniston Is The Most Boring Girl Ever
She wasn't even the most interesting girl on Friends. Though she was tied for third. With Ross.
And she has shown herself to be so shockingly, mind-numbingly simple and vague in every interview I have ever seen I can't fathom why in the world anyone ever found her interesting. Only Brad Pitt, who is an illiterate sock-monkey on his best day, could have found anything coming from her larynx remotely insightful.
Read this and tell me I am not correct ...
Chinese Men Invade Russia On Lawnmowers
There can't be a lot of explanations for this. Either the Russians think these Chinese gardeners are spies - in which case the Russian government is even more crazy paranoid than we always thought - or they think the Chinese gardeners are defecting.
How bad must China suck if people want to defect to RUSSIA?
When they were stopped, the unauthorized immigrants claimed they had got lost while cutting grass. They showed a note in broken Russian written by hand, but with their photographs saying: “We are workers, who clean fire-prevention zone. We got lost. Please, return me to China”. They claimed it was given by the Chinese forest police in case this happened.
Russian authorities said this was not the first time that illegal entrants had claimed to be lost gardeners.
Guys, come on. There are a billion Chinese. If they want to invade your third world country, they would send more than two lawnmowers.
School Officials Surprised Students Have Sex
Okay, maybe it was a little odd for students to be having sex in the high school auditorium with an audience watching, but the fact that this makes the news shows that society hasn't completely gone to hell.
Still, there shouldn't be a terrific amount of surprise that students have sex, even in school. They are in school for a pretty good amount of time each day, it's where most of their social interactions occur, and we've had a rather ridiculous teachers' union insisting that educating students on how to have sex would lead to less sex.
It's kids being rebellious in a way kids have always done. What's different now is that prior generations of kids only had to suffer local humiliation if they got caught. Thanks to the lovely power of the internet these girls can be Googled and humiliated for all eternity.
Want To See The Real China? Print A Bible
In atheist China, printing of Bibles and other religious publications needs special approval from the State Bureau of Religious Affairs. Bibles cannot be openly bought at bookshops in a country long criticized overseas for intolerance of religion.
Why does anyone even talk about China? Mostly because there are a billion of them. I am surprised these people have not gotten tired of making $1,000 a year and don't just go ahead and overthrow the impotent, ideological jacklegs running that country. They had the perfect chance at Tiananmen and blew it. Maybe we should send a few North African Muslims over there and have them print the Koran.
There would be shitbombs and bodies flying all over the place if a few Muslims got arrested.
Now, in fairness to the Chinese government, they insist this is not about religious persecution. If house church minister Cai Zhuohua had been able to print two million Bibles and give them away for free, they might not have had such a big problem - if you ignore that whole religious persecution and ability to only worship at state-sanctioned churches thing. So they convicted him of "illegal business practices", which is a secular way of saying the only good religious person is an incarcerated one.
Vatican Is Less Fundamentalist Than Left-Wing Secularists
And a lot less shrill. It's often surreal to see the tizzy people go into when creationists try to get heard. It can't possibly be ... possible. Because Darwin just has to be true. Except Darwin didn't even believe what he was saying. And he would be downright shocked to see his theory twisted like a pretzel the way it is today.
So now, in a twist so bizarre M. Night Shamalyan wants to put it in his next crappy movie, The Vatican is coming out in favor of intellectual tolerance.
Cardinal Paul Poupard, who heads the Pontifical Council for Culture, said the faithful should listen to what secular modern science has to offer, warning that religion risks turning into "fundamentalism" if it ignores scientific reason.
Sounds okay to me. But try getting the opposite point made at the Democratic Convention circa 2008. They'll tell you how stupid you are and quote something pithy and condescending from Nietszche. And then make you get an abortion.
I am willing to believe Darwinism at almost any time, when I see some proof. That's why it's still the Theory of Evolution and not a Law. We have fossils from every stage of mankind except that important missing link showing macro-evolution.
Sorry guys. That ain't science.
The Cardinal wasn't all sweetness and light about science as an end to itself.
"We know where scientific reason can end up by itself: the atomic bomb and the possibility of cloning human beings are fruit of a reason that wants to free itself from every ethical or religious link," he said.
The French go apeshit
Well, we shouldn't say the French. Although they are French citizens and they live in France, they don't seem to actually want to be part of France. Rather, they want France to be part of them.
France isn't the first country to have internal strife. But unlike other western countries that suffered riots and growing pains, this isn't about equality. It's about inequality. The Muslims of African and Arab descent don't want to be equal to their fellow citizens of western European descent. They think they are better. This is the essential nature of Dhimmitude.
The rampage began October 27 when two Arab youths, fleeing what they mistakenly thought was a police pursuit, leapt onto power lines and were electrocuted. The two deaths ignited the riots. French arrogance didn't help. When dealing with people who have 20% unemployment and whose income is 40% below the national average, it's not a good idea to denounce the rioters as “scum” and “rabble.”
America survived riots over inequality as well, but the essential difference was that both sides had the same country, the same goals, the same basic religion. And America had a culture of assimilating people from all over the world. No one in France, or all of Europe, has ever had a need or an ability to do that. Moslems don't have abortions whereas France's population is shrinking. Assimilation doesn't have to occur in France because the assimilated will be the majority in 40 years.
People on one side are insisting the solution is to bring Islamic immigrants into the social and economic mainstream of the nation. On the other side people are contending it is the beginning of the end for France and she will be engulfed in fiery Jihad. It isn't either, but it's certainly a wake-up call.
IBM Slows Down Light
Sure, we can't go faster than light, but we can slow light down. Which can sometimes be just as good.
IBM's silicon waveguide, a photonic silicon waveguide, will generate a lot less heat and use less power than conventional technology. If it can be mass produced at reasonable cost.
Finally, A Reason To Talk About Spain That Doesn't Involve Them Hanging Dogs
Any time old men in charge of social mores decry a book because it is "an invitation 'to lesbianism and masturbation,'" it has to be worth reading.
Man Makes News, Insures No One Will Ever Play Grab-Ass With His Daughter
Look at what he did to his kid's bedroom. Blood on the walls, 40 minutes of hand-to-hand combat. And that was just a deer who got in by accident. Imagine if it's a guy he didn't like.
British Hookers Almost Lost WW2
Not because they were ugly and damaged morale but because they almost gave the entire US Army V.D. That is, when they weren't robbing our men in green instead of giving up the rather copious-sized booty that made British women famous.
It ain't like the police would arrest those famous West End girls. I think you know why.