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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Gene Simmons Can Be Sued For Defamation But, Strangely, Not For "Unmasked."



Am I missing something or did the world go crazy while I was asleep? State Supreme Court Justice Rosalyn Richter says Gene Simmons can be sued for defamation because a picture of Georgeann Walsh Ward ( i.e. nobody ) with him was used in a "rockumentary" in which he admitted having sex with 4,600 women, which makes her look 'unchaste.'

You were dating a member of KISS and you're worried you looked unchaste? He had sex with 4,600 women. You're lucky he even knows your name much less showed you in his documentary.

What's next? The supermodels I have nailed will get upset about it if I mention it here? Bring on the lawsuits! And Angelina Jolie can deny she picked me up in a hotel bar during the filming of Cyborg 2, but you know how many people have been told my story about how I lost the feeling on the fingertips in my left hand? Buckets of them ... I almost shot my Coca Cola out my nose when I was on the plane watching "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" and she ad-libbed that little bit of character depth.

So yeah, I got my eye on your millions too, Angelina. If your next movie has you talking about that time my daddy shot a deer out my bedroom window and woke me up to make me go drag it in, I am getting me some compensation.

Your bone-jarringly hot ass can't save you from my wrath.

Okay, it can. But you're still a bitch.

Call me.

posted by your friendly neighborhood Moderator at 8:56 PM
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