Gene Simmons Can Be Sued For Defamation But, Strangely, Not For "Unmasked" - Part II
There was a time in American history when shaved legs, codpieces and platform heels were COOL on men.
Not any more. The salad days for cross-dressing androgynous types are long gone and those days, like so many memories from the '70s, should just be left alone. But not everyone can let go of the past and it can cost you. Case in point: Gene Simmons and the lawsuit because of his need to talk about how many women he nailed. You remember last year when I first talked about this bizarre court case. Well, the case is settled but let me recap for you:
Georgeann Walsh Ward was a girlfriend of Simmons back in the day. Simmons, meanwhile, had sex with 4,599 other women. In his "rockumentary" on the subject of his sexcapades he talks about having sex all of the time, day and night, with pretty much anything that moved. He was like a scientist, only in the '70s, when rock stars were rock stars as opposed to now, when scientists are rock stars. Anyway, at various points during his "rockumentary" he talks about his promiscuity and then there are pictures of Simmons with his girlfriend, Ward.
This, she claimed, made her look "unchaste."
Now, seriously, you are dating a member of a rock band ... and he has had sex with 4,600 women. Do you seriously want us to believe you were NOT one of those 4,600? I understand that you are trying to set an example for your grandchildren but the best way to do that is to deny you ever dated Gene Simmons, not advertise to the world that you were a groupie by filing a lawsuit.
What's next? The supermodels I have nailed will get upset about it if I mention it here? Bring on the lawsuits! And Angelina Jolie could try and deny she picked me up in a hotel bar during the filming of Cyborg 2, but you know how many people have been told my story about how I lost the feeling on the fingertips in my left hand? Buckets of them ... I almost shot my Coca Cola out my nose last year when I was on the plane watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith and she ad-libbed that little bit of character depth from the story I told her.
So yeah, I got my eye on your millions too, Angelina. If your next movie has you talking about that time my daddy shot a deer out my bedroom window and made me get up to go drag it in, I am getting me some compensation.
Your eye-poppingly hot ass can't save you from my wrath.
Okay, it can. But you're still a bitch.
The Hoff Strikes Again - But This Time His Wife Strikes Back
It's become something of a national pastime to ridicule David Hasselhoff. Sure, he tried to take credit for the fall of the Berlin Wall and he'll act as strange as you want if you pay him in Australian money, but I am here to stand up for The Hoff.
He and Mrs. Hoff are getting a divorce, you see. She said he physically abused her, he said she was too hopped up on Vicadin to notice. She hinted he once broke her nose, he said something along the lines of 'She is confusing me with her plastic surgeon.'
Now she's taking it to the airwaves. That's right, she has gone nuclear. Everyone knows that the way to stop spousal abuse is to make a pop album and get rich. But that's just what she is doing. I weep for The Hoff. Sure he could singlehandedly end Communism and make America's highways safe for fey talking cars but I don't think he's ready for the whirlwind that will surround him when a 50-year-old spurned woman starts recording music about him.
Want To Cure Global Warming? Make Really Big Sunglasses
Sometimes aging scientists get nostalgic for no good reason. Sometimes aging scientists get nostalgic for a very good reason. Environmentalism of the 1970s is a very good reason for scientists to get nostalgic.
You see, when I was a young scientist the big fear was a new Ice Age. Yes, the trend had been that in the 20th century to-date, even with all those big factories pumping out noxious gas and fumes, the earth was cooling. Pollution was the problem, they said. Too much sulfur was preventing the sun's yummy rays from entering terra firma.
Now it turns out global warming is the problem. That means - you guessed it - we don't have enough pollution preventing the sun's yummy rays from entering our atmosphere.
Fear of a new Ice Age at least made sense. Throughout earth's history, 90,000 of every 100,000 years has been Ice Age. And it's been 12,000 years since the last one, which means we are overdue.
Global Warming doesn't make as much sense. Most global warming doesn't come from people or factories, it comes from plants. I don't know about you, but I get tickled trying to think of ways environmentalists can blame Big Business for too many plants. Then again, TIME Magazine can write most anything with a straight face - they did a big cover story on global warming that had in its first paragraph, "Suddenly and unexpectedly, the crisis is upon us."
Maybe the guys at TIME are confused about what the words "suddenly" and "unexpectedly" actually mean. I can't pick up a newspaper without reading about global warming. TIME goes on to say that we're all going to Hell in a handbasket because of glacial ice sheets melting and a 20-foot rise in the oceans. It's like WaterWorld, only with better actors.
Wait ... Archimedes lived a long time ago and even he knew better. Those glacial ice sheets can melt all they want and it doesn't make a bit of difference in the level of the oceans. Now, if all of Greenland melted, that would be a problem - but the temperature of Greenland itself isn't rising at all.
Some scientists are no different from any other government pork-barrel recipients. They only think about funding. Like the saying goes, "No bucks - no Buck Rogers." Since global warming is the cause celebre du jour, that is where some will go to get money.
So what are those scientists claiming is the answer to global warming? Make really big sunglasses. Or mess with the clouds to act more like our old friend pollution - the easiest answer of all is to inject more sulfur into the atmosphere, which is one of the proposals geo-engineers have out there.
Yes, you read it correctly. We spent trillions of dollars creating government regulations and re-tooling factories to halt the emission of sulfur into the atmosphere so now we will need to spend trillions to create a government agency to inject sulfur into the atmosphere. Sometimes I hate scientists. And I am one. And I hate irony!
Let's not panic just yet. After all, global warming only became a problem when George Bush took office in 2001. Al Gore says we still have 10 years before catastrophe occurs. And 10 years just happens to be 2 years until the next election plus the 8 years to the end of his second term as President if he wins. So at least we know he has a plan.
Have An Older Brother? You're Probably Gay
I am in the science business, people, and if there's one thing I know because of my extensive experience in science, it's voodoo. Statistics is voodoo, plain and simple. And it might be evil, but I am not going there just yet.
This study says they have found a biological basis for homosexuality - it happens to men who have brothers.
HUH? Yes, they use statistics to say that since 95% of gay men have brothers, brothers make people gay. Or moms who have more than one son start creating gay ones after the first. Or something. I am not really sure what their conclusion is because the premise itself is baffling. To quote Wolfgang Pauli; "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
Now, first things first, I got no dog in that gay/not-gay fight.* I couldn't care less, other than it being fun to make jokes when a gay director makes an American icon look gay as often as possible and then goes out of his way to say he's surprised people think the character is gay.**
And for humor purposes I am all for junk science. It is relatively harmless and gives Al Gore a way to feel important. But now biologists are in on the scam? I haven't been so outraged since that assclown invented string theory.
But when gay statisticians get together with junk science I have to draw the line. 95% of homosexuals have older brothers so older brothers cause homosexuality?*** That's right. Thus, if you have an older brother, you're probably gay.
Wait. I have lots of older brothers. Does this mean maybe Bryan Singer will make me Superman in the sequel? I can provide my own codpiece.
*Number of emails I will get insisting I am gay because I made jokes about gay Superman; 2.
**I'm still going to see it on Thursday. Bryan Singer rocks.
***Insert your own joke here.
Everybody Hates You
This study says Americans have fewer close friends than they did 20 years ago. Now, sure, you're thinking 'hey, people move around a lot more than they used to so it makes sense you wouldn't have as many close friends you see often' which is what the study measured, but I have a different theory:
People just don't like you.
Let's face it, if you're reading this blog you're probably taking a break from watching Carmen Electra's Strip Aerobics, you've exceeded your ISPs bandwidth limit for downloading porn or you've already disappointed more fat women than Jenny Craig and are out of dating options.* Plus, with the rise of the internet you can always find someone somewhere in the world who digs your schtick so actually being liked in real life isn't as important. Or, if you're me, you're here because you're sick of people liking you so you have to be a little edgey online. I swear, if I get one more set of supermodels knocking on my door to have orgies of unprotected sex, I am climbing the water tower with a rifle.
It could be worse. If you've never been on a train in Japan you just don't know crowded isolation. Everyone in Japan is packed in like sardines and they're all on their cell phones text messaging people somewhere else instead of talking to each other. Heck, I talked this girl into shaving her legs on a train in Japan and people barely noticed.
Come to think of it, that was a pretty good practical joke. I just didn't realize until now I was doing anthropological science at the same time. Click on the pic below and see science at work for yourself:
*Or, of course, you just dig funny scientists. In which case, thanks.
Sometimes Science is Not The Answer
I know, I know, you're wondering if you're at the wrong website. No, this time I mean it. Take the Mona Lisa, for example. Why is the Mona Lisa popular hundreds of years after it was created? Because it harkens back to a simpler, easier time when women smiled a lot and kept their traps shut. But, no, you knew someone would screw that up and leave it to Japanese scientists to figure out how. In case you don't like peace and quiet in your art, find out what she would sound like here.
Since I am blasting interfering Japanese engineers, let's kick around American web designers too. If this isn't the worst commercial website I have ever seen, you all have to call me Emperor of Rome from now on. All I wanted was a new pair of kicks. I shouldn't even put a link to them lest they think they are doing something right but you have to see this for yourselves. If these Puma guys make shoes as bad as their website, Reebok stock is the lock pick of the 21st century.
Nick Lachey has yet another chick. I have gone from abject ridicule of this guy because he cried a lot and thought wearing her shoes was all the kink Jessica Simpson wanted to grudging respect to downright friggin' admiration. I guess it's time to update Nick Lachey's CandyLand game.
Need proof Nicole Kidman is not dating me? You know she can't be because she says 'no' to sex. She was married to Tom Cruise for 10 years so a few more weeks without sex is no big deal for her but I bet Keith Urban doesn't like it. Unfortunately for him I was not her rebound relationship.
Finally, I wanted to let you know I have decided to pursue a new career: manny. Not for Britney Spears, of course, but since Adriana Lima sweetened her offer considerably, I will think about it:
Anderson Cooper Falls Victim To Angelina Jolie's Vagina
Something must explain his pandering, ridiculous interview - the like of which makes even Katie Couric seem like a hard-hitting journalist.
Witness this bit of in-depth questioning:
COOPER: What was it like actually giving birth? I mean, you had two children through adoption. What was it like?
Yes, he believes Angelina Jolie actually invented childbirth. I know, I know, he should be forgiven because she can make men do crazy things. Who's more of an expert on crazy chicks than me?
Had he consulted me, I could have told him her vagina is like a block of cocaine surrounded by diamond-encrusted tiaras. Even being in the same room is dangerous.
Maybe he thought her vagina would help his career? Silly boy. The career-enhancing vagina belongs to Sienna Miller.
Heidi Klum Is Still Not Grabbing My Butt
The surest sign that God has a sense of humor is that Seal is throwing Heidi Klum around a Sheraton right now and I am writing this blog. Not only that, but she grabs his butt like this in public:
Number of times any woman, much less Heidi Klum, has grabbed my butt like that in public: still 0. Number of times my butt has been better than Seal's: 8 bazillion and counting.
And he has knocked her up again.
I am all for pregnancy. I am mostly certainly all for pregnancies involving me - but I am not sure Seal needs to be propagating any more. Heidi Klum disagrees, of course, but she isn't that smart. Heck, she didn't even know how to smile until someone paid her $20,000 a day to do it.
Contrast that with Bryan Singer, who is so smart he can say things like "Superman is probably the most heterosexual character in any movie I've ever made" with a straight face and a few people will believe him. Listen Bryan, here is some obvious advice for you: If you have to go on record publicly as saying your movie character is not gay, you probably made him look gay. When The Advocate does a whole article on how gay your character is - well, okay, I will give you that one. They think everyone is gay.
Last but not least among humorous things to think about is a Van Halen reunion tour. I guess David Lee Roth's "Will do splits for food" sign really worked.
Voodoo Priest Predicts World Cup Glory For Togo
Now, if there's one thing people will say about me, it's that I am respectful of other cultures - oh, and that I make a mean orange smoothie.
But, seriously, if the only person predicting you will be successful in the World Cup is a local Voodoo priest you have some serious problems.*
I like Togo. I stumbled downstairs from my hotel room to the local rathskellar to watch that game so you know I care about Togo. Any team that could demand hundreds of thousands of dollars in pay from its fellow Togo citizens for being in the World Cup - a country where the per capita income is $358 per year - earns my respect. That's like me walking up to Jaime Pressly and insisting she buy me dinner.
He must be the same guy who told the Dixie Chicks that going to Europe and criticizing Bush was a good idea. Why is it that I don't listen to country music at all yet I know people who listen to country music are patriotic but the short, fat one with the big mouth in the Dixie Chicks doesn't? Their solution to the problem? Change their concert tour to spend time in Canada. Well, that just doesn't need a punchline, does it?
*Late edit: let's give some props to our Voodoo Priest. Turns out Togo DID win the World Cup, but it was a girl and she won Miss World Cup. So he was close. Maybe he used the wrong animal bones.
Can I Be John Connor This Time?
Robocup 2006 will take place later today in Bremen, bringing us one step closer to apocalyptic destruction at the hands of our robot overlords.
Yes, it is robots playing soccer. Teaching robots to play soccer without any kind of central control is exactly what society needs. Next we can teach them to make factories that build more robots and dress up like Yul Brynner. Or that chick on Battlestar Galactica:
Oops, wrong Battlestar Galactica chick. Here:
No wait, let me be Kyle Reese when the big fight happens. I'm already working on the cool dune buggy with the laser turret on the back. And he got to nail Linda Hamilton.
DC Comics Thinks Only Lesbians Read Batman
Batwoman is back!! The hero you have missed since 1979 is finally returning to DC Comics. She's tall, dressed in black ... and she's a lesbian.
Yes, a lesbian. Apparently there is some controversy in this but I can tell you aging scientists aren't exactly against the idea. A 5'10" girl wearing a skin-tight leather bat suit and confused about her sexuality? My Bat-A-Rang is already cocked and ready to be thrown to the nearest comic book shop.
You may not know this, but I am something of a Batwoman expert. Let's face it, anyone with this movie poster in his bedroom and a picture of his chick dressed like so on his nightstand is into Batwoman:
Last year, I moderated a panel on female empowerment during the Worldwide Batwoman Conference and I can tell you that the number one topic during the discussion was her sexuality. We were as confused as she apparently is. Here is an example from the minutes:
Dorkwad: "Batwoman's sexuality shouldn't be manipulated and exploited just to sell a few comic books. It isn't like they took a risk with a major character, they are just using Batwoman to sell some books and then they can kill her off or make her straight again or something. Besides, isn't she hot? I thought only ugly chicks were lesbians."
Gaywad: "Are you kidding? This is DC. They'll just have a mini-series called Crisis on Counter-Culture Earths or whatever to sort all this sexuality business out a few years from now. DC is nothing if not committed to causing upheaval in 60 years of continuity every so often. Plus, she'll be the tall one in the lesbian relationship. They're allowed to be hot."
Naturally, I was there to make sure all sides came together. Keeping that kind of hostility in the closet isn't good for close-knit communities like the Batwoman fans of the world.
Moderator: "For too long, factionalism has divided the Batwoman community, senselessly pitting dorkwad against gaywad in bitter inter-wad disputes. Thanks to efforts on both sides, we can look forward to the day when the -wads of this great nation can all sit down together and play HeroClix at the table of brotherho ... errrr, sisterhood."
So we settled things at the Conference and decided we were okay with the idea of a hot, lesbian Batwoman. DC is taking the high road, of course.
"This is not just about having a gay character," explained Dan DiDio, vice president and executive editor at DC. "We're trying for overall diversity in the DC universe. We have strong African-American, Hispanic and Asian characters. We're trying to get a better cross-section of our readership and the world."
So there you have it. The three asians, blacks and hispanics who actually read Batman comics can now feel better about their place in the world because DC has lumped them in with ... lesbians.
"We wanted to make her a more unique personality than others in the Bat-family. That's one of the reasons we went in this direction."
Huh? 'More unique personality?' Okay, anyone who writes comic books and uses a term like that doesn't need to be kicked around by me. I am sure that in high school plenty of helpful scientists robbed him of his dignity ( and his pants ) but, seriously Dan, if you want to make a different female comic book character, make her not look fantastic in skin-tight leather.
Oh, who am I kidding? This is BATWOMAN, people. Asking her not to look fantastic in skin-tight leather is like asking me not to grace this blog with the dark genius of Dostoyevsky and the divine humor of Pynchon.