Scientists Bring Peace To The Mid-East

FADE IN: INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE, SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA. DAYTIME. Cash pops an "Our Blend" Keurig pod into his coffee maker and prepares for another day of making the world safe for technology, one supermodel at a time. His desk has a Curta mechanical calculator and a Bruce Wayne action figure. NOT Batman. Bruce Wayne. The Science Phone rings. CASH: Mushi mushi. VOICE (WITH A MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT): Is this Cash? CASH: Oops, wrong language. Sorry, I thought this was Japan calling. Iy-Aksamlar. Or salaam chetori. Don't make me guess. Who am I speaking with? VOICE: This is Abu Hamza al-Muhajir. Maybe you have heard of me? I need help from science. Are you not a scientist? CASH: I am told I am more like a game-show host. That Sigourney Weaver is such a card. What do you need help proving? Ghosts? UFOs? Evolution? I am willing to believe you. VOICE: We have need of help eradicating a pest problem. We believe you science can aid our holy mission. CASH: Abso-friggin-lutely. I think we science can solve most problems. But what do you mean by 'pest?' Are you talking about supermodels? I have a lot of experience with those. I have a special trap called a "nightclub" and bait, which we call "cocaine" and ... VOICE: NO, you infidel fool ... errrr, I mean ... no, I have a much better opportunity for you. The field of jihad can satisfy your scientific ambitions, and the large American bases are good places to test your unconventional weapons, whether biological or dirty, as they call them. And just for you, we make you a dhimmi. What do you think? CASH: Well, I am all for violence - it's my only vice, really. But generally speaking, Americans tend to frown on scientists who help blow up Americans in foreign lands. And Captain America comes to me when he needs his patriotism pumped up a little so if I suddenly switch sides they'll think I was raised in Marin County or something. I couldn't put my mother through that. VOICE: So what can you do? CASH: Not much, I assume. Why are you calling the US for something like this? VOICE: I appeal to every holy warrior in the land of Iraq to exert all efforts in this holy month so that God may enable us to capture some of the Western dogs to swap them with our sheik and get him out of his dark prison. CASH: Dogs? You think dogs and people are the same thing? That's a new twist on Evolution. Shouldn't you be calling CNN or Reuters instead? They'll believe you. They believe anything. VOICE: The blood has been spilled in Iraq of more than 4,000 foreigners who came to fight. CNN knows this. CASH: You mean 4,000 terrorists have gone to Iraq and been whacked? No wonder CNN won't report it. That will get Republicans re-elected. VOICE: I give up. *click* FADE TO BLACK So there you have it, folks. The terrorists gave up. Now you don't have to just thank science for LSD and Viagra, you can thank us for mid-east peace too. Next up; did Jiminy Cricket kill Paris Hilton and take over her life?

Phi, The Ultimate Supermodel

"What is a supermodel?" People sometimes ask me. It has a few definitions and sometimes people argue over them, much the way Heidi Klum and Elle MacPherson fight over who is called "The Body." * If you're reading this site, you know that a supermodel is an aspect of complexity science that incorporates multiple variables to try and spit out the best solution. Ha Ha Ha. Okay, supermodels can also be really hot chicks blessed with the combination of low self-esteem and jaw-droppingly loose morals that allow them to easily be tricked into deviant sex. Just this once we get to discuss both. And by both, I mean just the hot chicks. So what makes a supermodel super? Like many important things in life, we can look back in time and see if history gives us an answer and saves us some effort. For centuries mathematicans have been intrigued by the "Golden Ratio" because it appears so often in geometry. Is a "golden ratio" something German eurotrash does because they are bored with their sex lives? No, it is a ratio that is the midpoint between asymmetry and symmetry. Defined it is when "the whole is to the larger as the larger is to the smaller". In numerical terms, it is 1.618. Leonardo Da Vinci, who wrote this blog somewhere around 1500 AD, was the first to use the term golden ratio but in later years American mathematician Mark Barr used the Greek letter Φ (phi) to represent it and that is common today. Stairways, buildings, paper sizes and lots of other things use Φ in their designs because it is inherently pleasing to us. In music, the octave, fifth, and major and minor sixths are ratios of consecutive numbers of the Fibonacci sequence, making them the closest low integer ratios to the golden ratio. This is why when people ask me how I play music so well I always respond, "Because I am a scientist." Music is math people. For the definitive work on this concept go and buy ( do not rent ) Young Einstein. The soundtrack rules my face too. So how does it relate to supermodels? It turns out that the golden ratio in faces may decide what we like too. This study at the University of Regensburg examined the role of the golden ratio in our perception of beauty. Is it conclusive? No, some people like a little irregularity. I like quirky noses, for example, but Lady Scientist has a perfectly shaped head and that is appealling also. Here is a sample problem using the golden ratio. Be sure to tell me which of these mathematical constructs pleases you the most. *I don't read Time but Elle says they anointed her that in 1986. Heidi was the first time I ever heard it used about anyone, even if I never thought she was all that great. So given a choice I would go with Elle but, if she was called that first, it didn't stick, since even a guy running a site called Science And Supermodels didn't know she had it.

Show Your Favorite Stripper Some Love

Give her a big hand. Next time you are busted for using cocaine, use Janet Jackson's favorite excuse: "He gave me some liquidy stuff and it helped me so much ... it was in a vial. But after I used it I totally gave it back." She means the vial, not the cocaine. I would make jokes about Janet Jackson's intelligence but I have made references to 'retarded cats' twice already today. We all know she was among the first to drink "Cocaine" and that she inspired a whole generation of supermodels to drink it too. They say the high hits you within five minutes, followed by a caffeine boost 15 minutes later. It's like a picture of Jaime Pressly in a can. Under my "To Do List"; send a note to President Bush that the Russians may be onto something here. The solution to terrorism problems, says Igor Shpektor, mayor of Vorkuta, is sex. And plenty of it. He said: “Legalising prostitution would give men an opportunity within the law to address their emotions sexually with a provided service rather than expressing them in the form of xenophobia and extremism.” Indeed. Those Muslim guys kill us infidels because they get 72 virgins in Heaven for doing so. Or 72 grapes. 72 white, sweet things of one sort or another anyway - my Arabic is rusty and their penmanship wasn't all that great in 800AD. So hooking them up now saves us a lot of hassle, don't you think?

Golden Fiddle Makes The Honorary Scientists List

FADE IN: INT. A BEACH HOUSE BATHROOM, MALIBU, CALIFORNIA. NIGHT Matthew Mcconaughey and Lance Armstrong shower, shave, wax, pluck, gel, and dress together before for a big night at Sky Bar in Los Angeles. LANCE: Hey, Matt. MATT: What can I do you for, LA? LANCE: You gonna wear the linen shirt tonight? MATT: That’s right. LANCE: Yeah, me too. Hey, Matt. MATT: What now, amigo? LANCE: How many buttons you gonna leave unbuttoned? MATT: Well, my friend. I’m fixin’ to go four deep tonight. Give the ladies a little taste. LANCE: Yeah, right. Four sounds about right… Hey, Matt. MATT: Che cosa ora mio Amico? LANCE: You gonna roll your sleeves up? MATT: To right below the elbow. LANCE: Hey, Matt. MATT: What now, Sir Lancelot? LANCE: You wearing those same shorts you woke up in? MATT: Afirmativo. LANCE: What about foot wear? Flip-flops? MATT: Always! LANCE: Left hand? MATT: In po-keto. LANCE: Dammit! MATT: Easy tiger. What’s got you down, now? LANCE: Ah, it’s just another Nike contract here that says I have to keep wearing this stupid f--king bracelet for 3 more years. MATT: Man, it’s the same bulls--t they tried to pull in my day. If it ain’t that piece of paper, there’s some other choice they’re gonna try and make for you. You gotta do what Lance Armstrong wants to do, man. Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’ man, L-I-V-I-N. LANCE: Livin’ strong. MATT: That’s right. Livin’ strong. LANCE: You’re right. I’m sorry… Okay, I’m ready. How do I look? MATT: You look like the American dream, my friend. LANCE: Sweet. Now let’s go f--k some underage Hollywood pussy! MATT: All right, all right, all right. LANCE: Hey Matt. MATT: What now, compadre? LANCE: Do you think we should call Jake? MATT: … LANCE: … MATT: … BOTH: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!! FADE TO BLACK THE END Because sometimes scientists concede that civilians are really funny too, and Golden Fiddle created a classic.

Today Is International "Talk Like A Pirate Day"

So, you know, surrender your booty.

Science Proves Women Are In League With Lucifer

I've always suspected that women, armed with the awesome power of vaginas, which only they possess, were hell-bent on taking over the world. It seems some women have decided to accelerate the process by joining with Lucifer. So I called Harold Iggleton, a leading expert in the occult and author of the definitive work Satan's Supermodels: The Untold Story of Devil-Worship in the Fashion Industry. He agrees and says some supermodels may be the advance guard for a worldwide takeover using nefarious, even supernatural, means. "The Evil One used his dark powers to remake these 'nobodies' from top to bottom -- taking away their flabby guts, sagging behinds and oversized schnozzes, while endowing them with high cheekbones, long, shapely legs and tight, toned buns," said Iggleton. We can't just let Satan take over the whole world, so I asked Iggleton how we would know exactly which women were armed with the might of Hades itself and he gave us these helpful hints: 1. If she has a romantic relationship with a rock musician. "It's long been established that rock is the Devil's music," stated Iggleton. "Scientists are okay, though. You only have sex like rock stars," he said. Indeed. 2. If she bears the "Devil's Mark," what scientists call a "tramp stamp", usually on her lower back just above the buttocks. Scientists were disappointed to find out this was a problem, since virtually every girl we have ever known has had one. 3. If she is caught engaged in immoral conduct such as raunchy same-sex dancing. There goes my New Years party. How do I get a refund on all this cocaine? 4. If she is never seen in public holding a Bible. I am not even seen in Church holding a Bible. 5. If she causes happily married men to have immoral urges. "If a man comes out of the bathroom red-faced and clutching the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, you can be sure one of Satan's minions is having an effect on him." What about coming out of a bathroom clutching an actual Sports Illustrated swimsuit model? Because I did that three times this year and I have never been sucked into the Pits of Hell. Anyway, there seems to be something to this 'Satan helping supermodels' thing. Nothing else can explain why Heidi Klum still gets work.

The Top 10 Mysteries Of Science Part I

10. Benjamin Underwood can't see for squat but he gets around by making clicking noises and using echolocation to visualize the obstacles his radar sends back. Unless he was hit by a truck full of radioactive material and now wears red tights and carries a billy club, science has no explanation for this: Want to impress me, Ben? Read this blog. 9. Telephone telepathy. How is it that sometimes you are thinking about someone and they call? Egads, can that be possible? Of course it can ... it's like wondering how it is possible that men think about sex and sometimes they get sex. If you are thinking about people all of the time but only know 50, chances are one of them will call when you happen to be thinking about them. Want to impress me, audio guys? Explain how Lady Scientist magically knows an ex-girlfriend called "just to say hello." 8. Some people can't accept that humans are smarter than animals. This panda accidentally crushed one of the twins she birthed. Which isn't all that smart, since she didn't even implicate the butler. Want to impress me, zookeepers? Teach pandas to imprison siblings they don't like behind an iron mask, like humans do. 7. Reading makes Justin Timberlake dizzy. Clearly he has a vision problem and is an illiterate sock monkey. He is surrounded by handlers who couldn't diagnose that for him? Want to impress me, music industry? Explain how women who see Justin Timberlake get soooo dizzy their underwear falls off. 6. TV critics are dumb. Here are some quotes from critics when Star Trek debuted in 1966: "[T]oo clumsily conceived and poorly developed to rate as an A-1 effort."--Boston Globe "One may need something of a pointed head to get involved."--New York Post. "Disappointingly bizarre hour...things better improve or this won't be a lengthy mission."--Houston Chronicle. Want to impress me, TV critics? Explain how anyone ever thought this chick was hot: Continued Tomorrow ...

The Top 10 Mysteries Of Science Part II

5. There's some confusion about Evolution. Americans are skeptics by nature. A study shows America is just above Turkey in percentage of people who don't believe we magically evolved from cement-like goop. Evolution theorists don't do themselves any favors by trying to convince people biology doesn't require proof - which sounds a lot like religion to non-biologists - and changing their definitions to match the evidence they have. Want to impress me, biologists? Convince me Angelina Jolie evolved her nose. Sure, her nose is made of plastic and some kind of cement-like goop. Knowing what it is made of does not invalidate the existence of her plastic surgeon, if you catch my drift. 4. We have spent billions of dollars on The War On Fun ... errr, I mean The War On Drugs ... yet baby boomers are still getting stoned all of the time. Why are baby boomers, the people now in charge of government, such hypocrites? I don't even take aspirin but do you want to impress me, sociologists? Convince me that if I get random brain cancer I shouldn't spend my final months awash in an ocean of 8-balls and hookers. 3. This study says men are smarter than women. This study says tall people are smarter than short people. This article says a woman is mentally playing tennis, even in a coma. So I should be able to build a space shuttle in an hour if you give me the schematic because I am tall, male and not in a coma. Here's how you can impress me, sociologists. Given all those studies can you explain to me why it is I can't win an argument with Lady Scientist and still get sex? 2. James Lipton is still employed. Worse, he has Teri Hatcher on the season premiere of Inside The Actor's Studio. You know he has truly scraped the bottom of the barrel when he has to fawn over Teri Hatcher and issue forth sentences like, "And tell us how you came to do the immortal work, Brain Smasher ... A Love Story." Want to impress me, archaelogists? Tell me why her gaze doesn't turn everyone to stone, because she is clearly wearing the Head Of Medusa on her neck: And The Number One Mystery Of Science For September is ... 1. Christina Aguilera and whoever this guy is she is with. I can appreciate that Christina Aguilera gave hope to ugly guys everywhere by marrying him but something about this is just wrong. I have six medical degrees and I can't figure out what is going on with his mouth. The only answer? Well, there are two, and it proves both creationists and evolutionists wrong: A) This guy is a neanderthal, so evolution doesn't exist, and B) The fact that Christina Aguilera married him proves there is no God. BONUS!! 0. Gratuitous picture of Jolene Blalock because, like the guy married to Christina Aguilera, you people are neanderthals.

Your Jedi Mind-Trick Moment For September 12th

Michael Witig and his wife were out barbecuing when they saw something streaking through the sky. They turned on their camera and filmed it as fire and smoke billowed behind the mystery object. Not to worry, said the FAA. It was a just a jet that was leaving a contrail behind it and the sun was at just the right angle to reflect off the jet and create the illusion of smoke and fire. Of course it was. You can do this experiment in your house. Step 1. Put some bacon in a pan pointing north and light the stove. Step 2. With the sun at your back, stand at precisely 42 degrees to the left of the north-pointing bacon. Step 3. Clap your hands and shriek with delight as the bacon appears to be erupting in a trail of fire and smoke. Then, of course, a hooded figure will appear, wave his hands and say, "These aren't the pieces of bacon you're looking for" and you will forget the whole thing. But it sure beats having those Men In Black guys show up and waving a pen light in your face.

Hunting Scientists In China

If there's one thing Chinese men hate it's when much larger lao wài come to their country and start defiling their women. Trust me on this one. And the only way to make it worse is to write a blog about it and discuss your conquests. Yet that's exactly what one fellow, code-named "Chinabounder", did on his Sex And Shanghai Blog. He doesn't just talk about nailing Chinese women. That would be pointless, and too easy - after all, with 550,000,000 of them he could nail 40,000 chicks per day and by the time he got to the end of the line the ones in the front will have had enough babies to keep the line going forever. He also discusses the sexual frustrations in Chinese marriages, the failings of Chinese men, and the overly tradition-bound upbringing of Chinese girls which makes them rebellious and sexually adventurous. Indeed. Now if only they were blondes. All of what he says is true, my friends, but no one wants to be reminded of it. Zhang Jiehai, a professor of psychology at the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences, wrote under a post entitled "The Internet Hunt for an Immoral Foreigner": "I have something to tell Chinese men: please think about how these foreign trash have dallied with your sisters and made fun of your impotence. This piece of garbage must be found and kicked out of China!!!" Well, conceding the impotence of Chinese men probably didn't help Zhang's case much but we appreciate his concern. Science is always here to help. Yet scientists are torn on this matter. Clearly anyone having sex with this many women must be a fellow scientist so we are inclined to hate the Mahjong and not the player, if you get my drift. But scientists love a mystery too, and it's always fun to cockblock one of our own, so we flipped a coin and decided to find out who this guy is. First, let's itemize what we know: 1) He speaks english. 2) He seems to be British. 3) He calls himself a "wastrel, lacking in moral fibre, but coping with the situation". 4) He is efficient with his time. Witness this part of his blog: "Therefore, you see, I was with Star on Saturday and I was with Yingying on Sunday. In between, I contacted Cherry via MSN, I telephoned Rina and I used SMS to flirt with Tulip. I send Susan an email to flirt with her, and I professed my love to Wendy on her blog." 5) He gets a LOT of chicks. Using basic deduction we can eliminate #2, even though he tries to head-fake us with the Brit spelling of 'fibre.' Why? Even in a country with 550,000,000 women I am not sure a British guy can get laid twice in a weekend. Aussie? No. Again, it's the weekend. Aussies are unconscious in their own vomit on weekends. That leaves Americans. There are a lot more British than Americans in Shanghai so that helps us. I stroll over to Wordtracker and input "Rina", "Tulip" and various chat services. #3 really narrows it down. Not just anyone can simultaneously lament their lack of moral fiber while they revel in it - and impress even me in the process. And he uses the term 'wastrel.' Since we have eliminated British people that means he could only be from ... Utah. Time to mine some data. I start going to sites. Narrowing them down should be easy. * He has to be a reasonably good-looking guy. Being a foreigner helps but it can't work miracles. This eliminates 84% of the internet. * He has to have a good rap and this part takes some manual reading effort, which is slow and cumbersome. I eliminate 15 people right away because they got no game but I get sick of brute-forcing this and so I write up a quick Taguchi Method simulator to speed things up. I input solid-gold pickup lines like "If I ever remake the alphabet I will put U and I together" and "How you doin'?" The computer whirs. Whirs. Whirs some more. And spits out a result: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the mystery is solved. ( editor's note: China shut down his blog within minutes of my posting his identity but he has another one here ). I have posted his picture in case you are a Chinese girl and don't want to be duped by this smooth-talking lothario: Picture Key: 1. Note how he text messages one girl while he watches another one get naked. Multi-tasking is key. Girls, he is not writing an ill relative. 2. A haircut only Christian Bale in American Psycho could love. 3. A yellow shirt. In ASIA. He is laughing at you, ladies. But we respect his dan zi. 4. Cutesy stuff on the walls. Asian women love that. I bet his condoms have "Hello Kitty" characters on them too. I hope that Chinese society appreciates how science has helped them in their never-ending struggle to protect their women and gloss over their tiny penises. And you, Chinabounder (wink, wink) - you have a good weekend too.

Remastered "Star Trek" - Set Phasers For Fun

I know The Next Generation had its day in the sun but anyone - and I will brook no argument on this matter - who contends that the original is not the greatest sci-fi series of all time instantly loses their nerd cred around here. So if you are a TNG nerd - no, wait, if you can name more than three characters on any one of the later spin-offs - here is your chance for redemption. Episodes of the original Star Trek are being digitally remastered and will be heading into syndication again in honor of its 40th anniversary. Since you're all scientists you know that "digital remastering" means pretty much anything you want it to mean, like "smurf" does to smurfs or "celibate" does to Paris Hilton. The folks doing the work want to assure you there won't be wholesale bastardization, like that guy G--rge L-c-s ( name omitted so he doesn't appear in a column of brimstone and fire and suck my soul straight to Hell ) did with Star Wars. "We're taking great pains to respect the integrity and style of the original," Michael Okuda, a scenic-art supervisor on the Star Trek films and spinoffs for the past 18 years, told TVGuide.com. "Our goal is to always ask ourselves: What would [creator Gene] Roddenberry have done with today's technology?" Blah, blah, blah. I want to see a big pleather Captain's chair and an Enterprise that looks like a Frisbee with a couple of batteries attached to it. And they'll now be in High-Definition. Whatever that means. Like digital remastering, unless you have digital masters you're putting pearls on a pig so High Definition here will mean what CD versions of old music meant - the defects just become a lot more noticeable. However, you'll finally get a chance to see your favorite sci-fi heroine in HD: Oops, wrong show. I mean: No, wait: Okay, the girls in the original Star Trek weren't all that hot. So if they're going to digitally enhance something in the show, they can start here: Science fiction sure has come a long way since then.

Have $25,000 burning a hole in your pocket?

Science shows you how to spend it. Wait, you already guessed. Yes, I recommend you invest in a bronze casting of Suri Cruise's bowel movement. There was a time when I didn't respect Tom Cruise very much, but that was mostly because I thought he had to grab Katie Holmes by the hair because he was incapable of sticking his hand up her ass, like you do with a normal puppet: I have changed my mind. This guy's life is just a great big sundae of Awesomeness ... and selling a bronze casting of your kid's poop for $25,000 is the cherry right smack on top of it.

Evil Veterinarians Retaliate Against Snitch Cat

Fred, the Undercover Kitten who gained fame by posing as a would-be patient to help police nab a phony veterinarian in New York, has died, authorities said recently. Fred had been a stray before he rocketed to fame by helping to implicate some immigrant doing unlicensed veterinary work. An undercover investigator posing as Fred's owner summoned Steven Vassall, 28, to an apartment rigged with a hidden camera and pretended the kitten needed to be neutered. Vassall was arrested as he left carrying Fred in a box and cash for the operation. Fred's fame would be his undoing. He appeared at a press conference, where he sported a tiny badge on his collar. He then received a Law Enforcement Appreciation Award and was honored at "Broadway Barks," the theater district's adopt-a-thon benefit hosted by Mary Tyler Moore and Bernadette Peters. Next up for Fred - a career in education and even movies. Clearly Fred was bragging a little too much and evil immigrant veterinarians don't forget so easily. One recent morning neighbors spied his body in the road. Cause of death; a car that just happened to be driving in the road when Fred happened to have escaped from his home. This picture was found next to the corpse: I think Fred is the Sonny Corleone of immigrant-veterinarian-busting cats. This is just way too much coincidence for it to be ... coincidence. So who is Fredo? I think we all know the answer to that:

This Is Supposed To Be A Bad Thing?

I think 85% of men wish this was an infectious disease that would spread to all women ... and we'd have a whole planet full of hot, rich girls who can't talk. And not much competition from Nick Lachey types, because the only kinky thing they could think to do with her was wear her shoes.

Science Detemines The Discovery Channel Is Bad For Your Relationships

Nothing brings a couple together like science programming ... you'd think. Not necessarily, my friends. Sure, it sounds like gold. What healthy, educated couple wouldn't want to enjoy scientific programming together, right? The scientific programming I am talking about is the 100 Greatest Discoveries that originally aired on the Discovery Channel ... or the Science Channel ... I am not sure but I think it was the Discovery Channel. I was just happy that they had some programming that had nothing to do with loud, fat men building motorcycles. Maybe that's why they created the Science Channel - to have a place to air programming that had science. Kind of like MTV having to create MTV2 to show actual music videos. Now, I am not criticizing MTV. There's no way I could have been smart enough to create "Rock & Jock Softball" so you know they must be pretty smart. Anyway, I never saw this when it first ran but I recorded the finale of it this time and we sit down in front of the handy Replay DVR to take a look. That's right, scientists don't use Tivo because we're not educated by advertising ... but you go ahead and use Tivo and enjoy your Ipod also. I don't want you to use Replays because if they get popular mathematicians would start using them and we would have to abandon them. We're too cool to do anything mathematicians do. I only recorded the top 10 of the 100 because, really, the bottom 90 aren't all that important. I don't know who came up with these 100 since there are about a million scientific discoveries that are important ... but if people voted you can bet the only people who had time to vote were students and university professors, i.e. people who don't do actual science or otherwise work for a living. Immediately Lady Scientist and I had to discuss what we think should be number 1. This is important stuff ... if she picked something dopey like the cuckoo clock it would put a serious dent in our relationship. "Bernoulli, fluid dynamics, flight," she says. Well, I suppose I could almost respect that. If she was 14. "Are you insane? Clearly, there is no other answer than Newton's Laws of Motion." "You see that degree up on the wall?" she asks. "Sure." "What does it say?" "Ummmm ... Cal Poly?" "No, it says you don't know what you're talking about, that's what it says. Without flight, you don't have international mass transit, tourism, McDonald's in Hindu countries and the space program. Without Bernoulli you don't have ..." "Aren't Euler's Equations actually more ...?" "Read that degree up on the wall again." "I get it, I get it." So we start to watch and right there at number 10 is ... Newton's Laws of Motion. Wow. Down at number 10. That's a shocker. There must be something really big I have simply forgotten in those other 9. Maxwell? Well, yeah, but not many people have heard of him and it's not the kind of safe choice homeless people or university professors would pick. Einstein? Sure, everyone has heard of Einstein ... but did E=MC^2 really change our lives? It led to things that changed our lives but Newton had a much greater impact in that sense. Bill Nye the Science Guy keeps talking and the list goes on. Molecules, they say. Well, okay, I guess. I feel like that is going to take some justification. Then they come out with penicillin. Now, penicillin is important, sure ... it has saved a lot of lives in the last 60 years. But it didn't help us understand how the universe works. Germ theory. Wait ... how is that worth being in the top 10? Did only biology students vote on this thing? I feel like they have jumped the shark here. Then they do a complete triple gainer over the shark with this one: Heredity. "That's it ... enough," I say. "Who gives a crap about Mendel?? Like people didn't know before Mendel that our kids would be tall." "You think they didn't know apples fell out of trees before Newton?" she replies. I stared at her, aghast. My irritation level went to some sort of berserker-rage new level but I kept it in check. Scientists don't let anyone know they have lost their cool. "You have just cost yourself sweet lovin' this evening with that shot at Sir Isaac," I say. "No, I didn't." And there you have it, folks; the secret to why the Discovery Channel is bad for relationships. Without the Discovery Channel we would never have needed to argue about the most important scientific discovery, I would never have stated that her disputing my infallible reasoning was going to cost her sweet lovin' and she would never have proved I was wrong an hour later, thus impacting my credibility the next time I try to withhold sweet lovin'. If you don't want to establish a dominant force in your relationship, and have it be your chick, you'd better not watch Discovery Channel. And Bernoulli? Nowhere near the top 10.