Science Proves Women Are In League With Lucifer
|I've always suspected that women, armed with the awesome power of vaginas, which only they possess, were hell-bent on taking over the world. It seems some women have decided to accelerate the process by joining with Lucifer.|
So I called Harold Iggleton, a leading expert in the occult and author of the definitive work Satan's Supermodels: The Untold Story of Devil-Worship in the Fashion Industry. He agrees and says some supermodels may be the advance guard for a worldwide takeover using nefarious, even supernatural, means.
"The Evil One used his dark powers to remake these 'nobodies' from top to bottom -- taking away their flabby guts, sagging behinds and oversized schnozzes, while endowing them with high cheekbones, long, shapely legs and tight, toned buns," said Iggleton.
We can't just let Satan take over the whole world, so I asked Iggleton how we would know exactly which women were armed with the might of Hades itself and he gave us these helpful hints:
1. If she has a romantic relationship with a rock musician. "It's long been established that rock is the Devil's music," stated Iggleton.
"Scientists are okay, though. You only have sex like rock stars," he said. Indeed.
2. If she bears the "Devil's Mark," what scientists call a "tramp stamp", usually on her lower back just above the buttocks.
Scientists were disappointed to find out this was a problem, since virtually every girl we have ever known has had one.
3. If she is caught engaged in immoral conduct such as raunchy same-sex dancing.
There goes my New Years party. How do I get a refund on all this cocaine?
4. If she is never seen in public holding a Bible.
I am not even seen in Church holding a Bible.
5. If she causes happily married men to have immoral urges. "If a man comes out of the bathroom red-faced and clutching the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, you can be sure one of Satan's minions is having an effect on him."
What about coming out of a bathroom clutching an actual Sports Illustrated swimsuit model? Because I did that three times this year and I have never been sucked into the Pits of Hell.
Anyway, there seems to be something to this 'Satan helping supermodels' thing. Nothing else can explain why Heidi Klum still gets work.