Hunting Scientists In China
|If there's one thing Chinese men hate it's when much larger lao wài come to their country and start defiling their women. Trust me on this one. |
And the only way to make it worse is to write a blog about it and discuss your conquests. Yet that's exactly what one fellow, code-named "Chinabounder", did on his Sex And Shanghai Blog.
He doesn't just talk about nailing Chinese women. That would be pointless, and too easy - after all, with 550,000,000 of them he could nail 40,000 chicks per day and by the time he got to the end of the line the ones in the front will have had enough babies to keep the line going forever. He also discusses the sexual frustrations in Chinese marriages, the failings of Chinese men, and the overly tradition-bound upbringing of Chinese girls which makes them rebellious and sexually adventurous.
Indeed. Now if only they were blondes.
All of what he says is true, my friends, but no one wants to be reminded of it. Zhang Jiehai, a professor of psychology at the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences, wrote under a post entitled "The Internet Hunt for an Immoral Foreigner": "I have something to tell Chinese men: please think about how these foreign trash have dallied with your sisters and made fun of your impotence. This piece of garbage must be found and kicked out of China!!!"
Well, conceding the impotence of Chinese men probably didn't help Zhang's case much but we appreciate his concern. Science is always here to help.
Yet scientists are torn on this matter. Clearly anyone having sex with this many women must be a fellow scientist so we are inclined to hate the Mahjong and not the player, if you get my drift. But scientists love a mystery too, and it's always fun to cockblock one of our own, so we flipped a coin and decided to find out who this guy is.
First, let's itemize what we know:
1) He speaks english.
2) He seems to be British.
3) He calls himself a "wastrel, lacking in moral fibre, but coping with the situation".
4) He is efficient with his time. Witness this part of his blog: "Therefore, you see, I was with Star on Saturday and I was with Yingying on Sunday. In between, I contacted Cherry via MSN, I telephoned Rina and I used SMS to flirt with Tulip. I send Susan an email to flirt with her, and I professed my love to Wendy on her blog."
5) He gets a LOT of chicks.
Using basic deduction we can eliminate #2, even though he tries to head-fake us with the Brit spelling of 'fibre.' Why? Even in a country with 550,000,000 women I am not sure a British guy can get laid twice in a weekend. Aussie? No. Again, it's the weekend. Aussies are unconscious in their own vomit on weekends. That leaves Americans.
There are a lot more British than Americans in Shanghai so that helps us. I stroll over to Wordtracker and input "Rina", "Tulip" and various chat services.
#3 really narrows it down. Not just anyone can simultaneously lament their lack of moral fiber while they revel in it - and impress even me in the process. And he uses the term 'wastrel.' Since we have eliminated British people that means he could only be from ... Utah.
Time to mine some data. I start going to sites. Narrowing them down should be easy.
* He has to be a reasonably good-looking guy. Being a foreigner helps but it can't work miracles. This eliminates 84% of the internet.
* He has to have a good rap and this part takes some manual reading effort, which is slow and cumbersome. I eliminate 15 people right away because they got no game but I get sick of brute-forcing this and so I write up a quick Taguchi Method simulator to speed things up. I input solid-gold pickup lines like "If I ever remake the alphabet I will put U and I together" and "How you doin'?"
The computer whirs.
Whirs some more.
And spits out a result:
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the mystery is solved. ( editor's note: China shut down his blog within minutes of my posting his identity but he has another one here ).
I have posted his picture in case you are a Chinese girl and don't want to be duped by this smooth-talking lothario:
1. Note how he text messages one girl while he watches another one get naked. Multi-tasking is key. Girls, he is not writing an ill relative.
2. A haircut only Christian Bale in American Psycho could love.
3. A yellow shirt. In ASIA. He is laughing at you, ladies. But we respect his dan zi.
4. Cutesy stuff on the walls. Asian women love that. I bet his condoms have "Hello Kitty" characters on them too.
I hope that Chinese society appreciates how science has helped them in their never-ending struggle to protect their women and gloss over their tiny penises. And you, Chinabounder (wink, wink) - you have a good weekend too.