How Not To Have A Happy Marriage If there's one thing I know, it's happy marriages. I have had seven of them, after all. If I had my way I'd move to some remote outpost in Utah and surround myself with Cheez-Doodles, hot young wives and enough kids to pack a soccer stadium in Munich. Given my expertise, I can tell you with certainty that the only thing worse for your new marriage than a bizarre pre-nuptial agreement is divorcing her in secret after three months. These two people were old enough to know better. But their pre-nup had exotic requirements like promises to cook breakfast a minimum of three times during the weekdays and once on the weekends, back rubs three times a week and more ... but nothing at all about sex. People, I wrote a whole book on pre-nuptial agreements and I can tell you without question that the only thing that needs to be in any pre-nuptial agreement is sex. Sure, you can tell her you love her and all that stuff. I told my chick I loved her. Once ... right before she let me bang her. But it's my sweet lovin' on command that keeps her putting up with my insecurities and my penchant for ridiculing Tom Cruise. Plus, every once in a while I arrange for a cocaine-fueled threesome with a girl who looks like this: