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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Why You Don't Want To Marry Eva Longoria



Because she is waiting to let herself go. Probably so is your chick. We know all women secretly think this, but to come right out and say it in public is reprehensible. You don't see me out in public talking about boning Angelina Jolie during the filming of Cyborg 2 or accidentally breaking up Scarlett Johannsen's relationship. Oh wait, yes you do. Well, that's different because my comments don't cut right to the heart of man-woman relationships; namely that your chick is just waiting to get fat.

Says Eva: "I think I’m putting on weight because I’m in love and I don’t need to try any more.". I mean, JESUS CHRIST, what kind of thing is that to say, even as a joke? Do I tell my little woman, "Hey I am in love so I will stop Nairing my forest of back hair - and you can just forget about me showering every third day now"? No, I do not say it. That's an implied expectation but have some friggin' courtesy. Couples lying to each other about trying to please each other forever is a time-honored tradition and some traditions just shouldn't disappear.

So Eva can pretend she will be 5'2" and 90 lbs. forever and I can pretend Halle Berry doesn't want to have my baby. At least for another 7 months.

posted by your friendly neighborhood Moderator at 9:07 AM
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