Paris Hilton Is Like Mother Teresa - Only Naked
This is twice in a week that I don't even need to make a joke for my posts to be funny. Be shocked and amazed at an odd casting idea here. And thank you to David Hasselhoff and Paris Hilton for making my job so easy.
Director T. Rajeevnath said he was impressed when he read a report in which the hotel heiress said she had refused to pose nude in Playboy and decided to see about casting her in his biopic. Let me see if I understand this; not posing nude for money made her qualified to play Mother Teresa? What about the 38 million pictures of her naked available for free on the internet? So just for science I Googled 'Paris Hilton nude' again and this time my computer made some kind of horrid, screeching noise and shut off. And then I got a cornea transplant. I tell you, some sacrifices are too great to make just so you can be entertained on my blog.
I'm all for famewhores like Paris Hilton but I am not sure what she is thinking when she turns down Playboy and then gets naked in bars for free. If you're anything like me, or any of 3 billion other men out there, you spend a great deal of time wondering what women are thinking and why it seems to make no sense. They do studies on symptoms, of course, but no real studies on causes. This study, for example, tells us that married South Korean are the least happy with their sex lives. I believe that. I have been to Seoul plenty of times and I can barely sleep at night because all of the married Korean women knocking on my hotel door begging for orgasms. And Cheez-Doodles. But that doesn't explain much about why these women are so unhappy or why most women make no sense. It only tells us something about the size of Korean mens' penises.
Brett Ratner of Rush Hour directing fame, got so upset by an argument with his date he had to be rushed to the hospital. This guy can take the stress of helming a $100 million motion picture but he can't figure out his chick's moods without paramedics on stand-by.
Heck, Simon Cowell is even willing to sleep with Paula Abdul to keep the peace on American Idol.
Men's Health and I come to the rescue. How am I helping? By telling you the four distinct phases in a man/woman relationship so you can react accordingly once you know where you are. For further wisdom, consult A Physicist's Guide To Relationships. Because we all know that love is a matter of chemistry and sex is a matter of physics. And no one ever left a relationship because the sex was good.
The four phases to a successful relationship:
1) She is dazzled by your great physique, good looks and charm.
2) She is overwhelmed by your passion and sense of romance.
3) She takes you for granted because she is insecure and self-destructive so you dump her.
4) She spends the rest of her life trying to get you back.
See? Isn't that simple? You can even carry this in your wallet to show to her when she is unsure which phase she is in.
Oh yeah, and they help too. For their part, they did this handy article on exactly what is going on inside womens' heads. It details what a girl was thinking the first time she met a guy, before their first date, etc. It's invaluable.
But not as invaluable as my blog.