Heidi Klum Is Not Grabbing My Butt This Valentine's Day But she is probably grabbing Seal's. Again.* I don't understand how I get 72% of the votes for 'best butt' on my blog and he gets Heidi Klum. That guy is my greatest foe. Well, he and Scott Baio. Do you think it's because when I took the "Which Star Trek character are you?" test I ended up too much like Kirk? I should have known she would be a Picard girl. If you don't have someone to spend Valentine's Day with, perhaps you just aren't understanding the signals, so here is a handy guide on understanding flirting in various countries. Should you have a girl and be taking her out to dinner because she is not grabbing Seal's butt ( again ), here are some hints on Dating Etiquette 101 and, for those awkward lulls in conversation, a brief history of Valentine's Day. I advise you to leave out your usual rant about how this is all marketing and just endure the crowded restaurants and bad food. I won't have to put up with restaurants, but my chick doesn't expect much from me. She's just pleased when I don't pull out too many strands of her hair dragging her over to the couch and when I really try to aim stuff away from her eyes. She’s pretty easy going that way. My final piece of advice. No matter how much she wants to have sex, do not put a pencil up your penis. Things will go bad quickly. Trust me on this one. *Number of times I have referenced Heidi Klum grabbing Seal's butt: 3. Number of times my butt has been grabbed by my chick: 0. % chance my chick can take a hint: apparently not high.