How To Have An Earthquake In Japan - Guaranteed
It's no secret why I come to Japan so often. It's to talk to this guy, who keeps a harem of 10 women living with him in Tokyo. He's like my Yoda, if I were a Star Wars nerd. I wish I could do that Jedi mind shit - see a hot girl and go "Mmmm ... make out with me, you will" - and then, BOOM, she gets naked and is Giselle Bundchen.
But I actually didn't have time to canoodle because I was too darn busy auditioning for a part in the the upcoming MAGNUM P.I. feature film. That's right, remaking old TV shows is apparently the only way to get a script written these days. They asked me how I would go about playing the part I was auditioning for - Rick, the club owner.
ME: "Well, Rick in the TV show was kind of a goof and all he seemed to do was get kidnapped or arrange a meeting with Icepick. I think we need to camp it up a little. You know. I am funnier and more charming than Owen Wilson so imagine if he were doing it, only a lot prettier. I could say things like, 'Magnum, what in our history together suggests I am capable of something like that?' People will laugh."
CASTING AGENT: "Well, this is more like the TV show. The action and the drama. It isn't a spoof, like the Starsky and Hutch film."
ME: "No, of course not. It was about an impossibly handsome guy who lived at the estate of a famous writer for free and drove his Ferrari and nailed a different hot chick every week and shot people and never got arrested. In Hawaii. What's there to spoof?"
CASTING AGENT: (blank stare)
Well, I don't think I got the part, which is too bad. Because I can make stuff happen. Like earthquakes, for example. Sure as I am sitting here if I go out to a hostess bar in Tokyo, there will be an earthquake. My proof? Well, earthquakes have happened to me before.This time the three of us return to a joint in Shin-Yokohama called The New Club and the first thing you will notice if you go is that they don't want any rabble in their establishment:
So we sit and one guy with me has them bring over his bottle of Japanese Soju - yeah, he comes here a lot if he keeps booze on site - and they bring me some kind of Udon tea and I fire up a cigar. I am legendary for having no patience about sitting around in bars without cigars aplenty on hand so they make sure I will be content right away. In my travelling humidor there are seven remaining so, if need be, I can stay awhile.
Suddenly this vast array of attractive Japanese women come over and sit with us - a very Japanese thing to have happen. A young lady sits next to me and tells me I look famous.
"Really? Who do I look like?"
"Tom Cruise," she says. "What's your name?"
"Tom Cruise," I tell her and she laughs.
"You funny. Like that guy in The Mask."
"Jim Carrey??? But he's ugly. You should stick with Tom Cruise."
"But he is very small. You are big."
"And pretty. Let's not leave that out," I remind her.
Suddenly, the floor is vibrating. Jesus Christ, not again. Can a big Gaijin not even pay for the privilege of having a barely attractive girl who speaks no English talk to him in this crummy town without getting an earthquake out of the deal?
But there it is, and it is vibrating not just a little, like the last one, but a lot. Real sensory-deprivation, wall-fixtures-shaking kind of thing. They are all looking around at each other and they have to be used to it, so this one must be close. Looking around myself, and thinking back to my MAGNUM P.I. movie experience, I realize this is how it looks on TV when they vibrate the whole plane in disaster films. And that reminded me of my flight into Narita Airport.
They had screwed up my reservation but still managed to secure me a nice exit row aisle seat. Important for the big Gaijin. The stewardess comes over and hands me a laminated card and reminds me that since I am in the exit row I need to read the safety instructions.
"I think the arrow and the big red letters that say OPEN pretty much tell me what I need to know," I am sarcastic because I am still a little grumpy about the screw-up at United Airlines. Plus she is not hot at all.
"Sir, it is important that you know what to do in the event of an emergency."
"In the event of an emergency? If this plane goes down, I know exactly what will happen." She blanches at this. In post-September 2001 air travel, stewardesses maintain even more ridiculous levels of authority than they had previously so if she thinks I am going to mention plane crashes or bombs, I could easily be diverted to the anal probe section of SFO. "I've seen LOST. If the plane goes down, I end up on a beach. With Evangeline Lilly. And cameras rolling. I am okay with all three of those things."
I am smiling. She is smiling. Life is good.
They film that show in Hawaii, you know. So the one state I have never flown to comes up yet again. Maybe I should have tried out for Thomas Magnum in the movie. I might have had better success than my funny approach to Rick.
Nahhh, the only thing Magnum about me is my condoms. And I could never pull off the moustache.