It may surprise you to learn this, because you are used to me being a science guru and, on occasion, a Formula One race car driver who solves mysteries on TV, but I am also an expert on relationships.
Not my own, of course. My past relationships have gone somewhere between train wreck and horror movie - without the actual sweet release of death. No, I mean I am an expert on your relationships. So, guys, here is the advice I was all prepared to give today:
Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
Now, I didn't even get to issue this advice before it was already the subject of some debate. I was driving to a meeting and talking on the phone to a friend and, naturally, the subject was oral sex. It may also surprise you to learn that all of my conversations with friends revolve around oral sex. It would surprise me if that were actually true. But this one revolved around oral sex because I said that the bit about oral sex was going to be my relationship advice for Friday. She disagreed that you shouldn't trust the person who gives you the best oral sex because she felt quite trustworthy and was certain that in any case where she was involved she would want it to be the best ever for the guy.
I had to concede that point, because she was just being considerate. This confused me a little - the considerate woman part, I mean. Not full-on confusion, like how Nicole Kidman can get married in the Catholic Church after being married to a Scientologist for 11 years. But instead that mild sort of confusion that makes me doubt I can get a whole blog of relationship advice on a premise with such shaky ground.
So I began instead to catalogue ways you can narrow down whether or not this is the perfect woman for you, oral sex notwithstanding. Here it is, an easy to follow guide to understanding women. It's like a taxonomy key. If you don't know what that is, you deserve bad blow jobs:
Does she drink Shiner Bock? If the answer is YES, it means she is from Texas and can shuck a crawdad for you in under 3 seconds. Ask her on a date because Texas women can endure anything. If the answer is NO, go to IS SHE A REPUBLICAN?
Did you meet her in a Farmer's Market? If the answer is yes, you are in LA. So she doesn't find it odd if you spend more on waxes than her and have better shoes. If the answer is NO, what are you doing at a Farmer's Market? And go to CAN SHE BAKE A PIE?
Does she have a great butt? If the answer is YES she is from Sofia, Bulgaria, home of the hottest women on planet Earth. If the answer is NO, why are you talking to her? Have you ever been comforted when a friend setting you up with a girl issues forth the statement, "She has really pretty eyes"? No, I didn't think so. And go to DOES SHE LISTEN TO DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS?
Does she know what a Superdawg is? If the answer is YES, you are in Chicago. There will always be cheap beer at her place. She also won't mind if you pull out your thing in the cab ride back from dinner. If the answer is NO, fly to Chicago.
Is she a Republican? If the answer is YES, she won't cry about the woman she is devastating by sleeping with you. If the answer is NO, get thee to a Red state and find one. And tell Ann Coulter I said hello. I kinda miss her.
Does she listen to Drive-By Truckers? If the answer is YES, she is so dirty you don't have to ask how many piercings she has as an indicator of where she will let you put it. If the answer is NO, a lack of a great ass and no freaky business means you are destined to watch Cinemax on Fridays for the foreseeable future.
Can she bake a pie? If the answer is YES, she is from Colorado. Marry the girl, because pie crusts are a bitch. If the answer is NO, two cups of flour, some salt, a cup of butter, a little bit of water, mix it all up, roll it out and then put it in a pie tin because only Colorado women will put up with your crap and you're destined to die alone.
I hope this has helped you in your quest for the perfect woman but on further reflection, generally speaking, I am right and my pal is wrong about the oral sex thing. If she disagrees, she's nothing short of a blonde wig away from proving her point.