Science Wants To Give You Better Orgasms

There was a time when the vagina was not in vogue. It was all 'clitoris' this and 'clitoris' that for female orgasms. Scientists have a healthy distrust of politicians and activists so we were afraid to stand up against the clitoral orthodoxy but in a secret enclave ( known as "New Jersey" ) a group of neuroscientists have been reverse engineering the female orgasm for the last two and a half years. And they think they have discovered that the vagina has underrated by clitoral zealots. Obviously you can't just make that claim. Tests have to be done. Orgasms have to be studied. While scientists have caused plenty of orgasms most of us haven't studied them. How do you study them? I wanted to know. Apparently the first step was to create a Calibrated Vaginal Stimulator, basically something you could attach to a transducer to measure the force that women apply to the vaginal wall. Then you could know what is really happening. "A Transducer?" I ask. "Are we at Bose?" "Women self-stimulate," explains Rutgers neuropsychologist Barry Komisaruk, "and we use functional magnetic resonance imaging to look at which parts of their brains respond." Ummmm ... "Basically," Komisaruk concludes, "it's a magnetic dildo." "Now you need a test subject, right?" I ask. "How about Claudia Black? I kinda miss Farscape and you'll never see a scene like this on Stargate." Komisaruk nods his head. "That's my secret fantasy too, except she's also wearing a Pocahontas outfit. But this isn't about us. We're just in it for what the magnet can tell us." He's not kidding. I can barely say the word 'vagina' without giggling like a schoolboy and he spends his days with college-age girls jacking off while he examines their brains. "This is Vicky," says Komisaruk, "We got excellent data from her." Vicky is important because she can "think off." That's right, she can climax just thinking about it. This is important, it seems, because even the slightest movement will mess up the fMRI results. A woman in the throes of passion - for example, any woman in bed with a scientist - will scream and move far too much and they will miss important data. "Vicky solves that problem. First, she lies on the bed and we strap down her head ..." "Wait," I interrupt, "this is not supposed to be sexy, right?" "... then she stimulates herself by contracting her vaginal muscles rhythmically and controlling her breathing for 26 minutes." "Basically, my head is strapped to a board in an extremely loud machine, and I have to let them know when I am about to come, so they can mark it on the computer," Vicky laughs. "Whoo - so sexy!" I guess it depends on perspective. It doesn't sound like a bad way to spend a weekend. The end goal of all this is to figure out how to make a female Viagra. Focusing on the male vascular system worked for men but for women you need to concentrate on brain flow rather than blood flow. Because, as they will tell you, they are on a higher plane of existence than we are. Most men know this is true. To get a man aroused, a woman pretty much just needs to get naked, whereas to get a woman aroused you have to appeal to something deeper. I have found renting Under A Tuscan Sky does the trick with Lady Scientist. Everyone knows that's porn for yuppie chicks.