Science Helps You Plan Your Weekend
| Here Are Your Options: 1. Die In A Cocaine-Fueled Orgy Of Gayness Just hang out with German nobility. A gay guy in Germany jumping from a balcony while hopped up on drugs during an orgy barely made the news in the U.S., because it is so unsurprising. Cocaine and gay orgies in a party thrown by a German Count? Next we'll hear they pissed on each other. Yeah. Big shock.  2. Work For World Peace Use trial and error to act out your favorite scenarios for making the world a happy place. Since you don't want to spend money on real dictators, use puppets. No one's afraid of puppets ... even puppets with nuclear bombs.  3. Learn About World Cultures Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini has his own website ( better brush up on your Farsi if you don't like the fuzzy-wuzzy 'religion of peace' English version ) and he answers your most pressing questions about Ramadan.  Example: "If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?" The helpful Ayatollah responds: "If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a haram (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a haram intentional breaking fasting." Okay, I am an infidel and I probably deserve to be put to the sword for asking this, but how in the name of Allah is it masturbation if I don't intend it? In fact, how is it masturbation unless, you know, you actually masturbate? Read more helpful Ramadan insights here. 4. Laugh At Aging Hippies Oliver Stone blasted President Bush Thursday, saying he has "set America back 10 years." I assume he means because of things in Iraq. But 10 years ago Clinton was President and Oliver Stone still had some chance of making a decent movie. Does Olive Stone mean that's a bad thing?  Nothing makes me giggle more than brain-addled hipsters who stop inhaling long enough to say really funny things. Well, maybe Emo haircuts make me giggle more. Those are pretty funny. 5. Save The Environment By Killing An Animal. Half of the bacteria in the wild comes from animals. In the Potomac and Anacostia rivers only 16% and 24% respectively comes from humans. Look for environmentalists to start protesting against animals real soon.  6. Watch The New Season Of Battlestar Galactica Because it has not one but two Blonde chicks. Just as God intended.  |
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Comments on "Science Helps You Plan Your Weekend"
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The Grunt said ... (12:48 PM) :
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Anonymous said ... (12:54 PM) :
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Anonymous said ... (1:33 PM) :
post a commentGood one, Cash. I hope no members of Kraftwerk were harmed in that orgy. It's tough being the house band for that sort of thing.
I always intend my masturbate and discharge is required. Praise Allah!
About the masturbation thing, and how "by definition", apparently, it's an intentional act, I'd like to point out a couple of issues.
First, as Butters on South Park makes it clear, you may not know masturbation is for getting off. You might think it's a new and interesting sensation deep in the loins, like most kids and adolescents (maybe not as much anymore, since a lot of junior high kids now boink for sport); or if you're riding along in a really shaky train, and you happen to be stimulated by the movements, you can, without intent, reach orgasm.
Secondly, we know masturbation can be done in one's sleep, without it being intentional (assuming intent happens when one is awake and alert). So, if someone who is fasting takes a nap, they may accidently masturbate.
Ultimately, I expected a scientist to be able to find some grains of logic in the masturbation issue. Perhaps you spend more time jacking off than attending to scientific matters, which may explain why your judgment faltered on this one (or at least why you seemed confused and "fuzzy" about the concept).
Furthermore, unlike the other monotheistic religions (except Zoroastrianism), there exist no inconsistencies or contradictions in Islam's holy text, the Quran. I implore you to research this idea further, at least for the sake of science (which the Quran is chock-full of). Here's an interesting link which may be useful. Khamenei's comments on masturbation--and most other scenarios--are no different than those of other Islamic scholars, who also consult the holy text, which is known for its perfect nature, both philosophically and scientifically.
P.S. The funniest scientists are geologists, hands down.
Shiva, many thanks. You have now made it possible for my masturbation education to be furthered beyond even its current considerable scope!