Science Helps You Plan Your Weekend
|Here Are Your Options:|
1. Die In A Cocaine-Fueled Orgy Of Gayness
Just hang out with German nobility. A gay guy in Germany jumping from a balcony while hopped up on drugs during an orgy barely made the news in the U.S., because it is so unsurprising. Cocaine and gay orgies in a party thrown by a German Count? Next we'll hear they pissed on each other. Yeah. Big shock.
2. Work For World Peace
Use trial and error to act out your favorite scenarios for making the world a happy place. Since you don't want to spend money on real dictators, use puppets. No one's afraid of puppets ... even puppets with nuclear bombs.
3. Learn About World Cultures
Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini has his own website ( better brush up on your Farsi if you don't like the fuzzy-wuzzy 'religion of peace' English version ) and he answers your most pressing questions about Ramadan.
"If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?"
The helpful Ayatollah responds:
"If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a haram (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a haram intentional breaking fasting."
Okay, I am an infidel and I probably deserve to be put to the sword for asking this, but how in the name of Allah is it masturbation if I don't intend it? In fact, how is it masturbation unless, you know, you actually masturbate?
Read more helpful Ramadan insights here.
4. Laugh At Aging Hippies
Oliver Stone blasted President Bush Thursday, saying he has "set America back 10 years."
I assume he means because of things in Iraq. But 10 years ago Clinton was President and Oliver Stone still had some chance of making a decent movie. Does Olive Stone mean that's a bad thing?
Nothing makes me giggle more than brain-addled hipsters who stop inhaling long enough to say really funny things. Well, maybe Emo haircuts make me giggle more. Those are pretty funny.
5. Save The Environment By Killing An Animal.
Half of the bacteria in the wild comes from animals. In the Potomac and Anacostia rivers only 16% and 24% respectively comes from humans.
Look for environmentalists to start protesting against animals real soon.
6. Watch The New Season Of Battlestar Galactica
Because it has not one but two Blonde chicks. Just as God intended.