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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

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7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

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5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Yes,Vagina, There Is A Santa Claus



Seriously, I did not originate that headline.

Clearly, I have nothing against vaginas, since I wrote articles talking about how women were using evolution to create two vaginas and enchant twice as many men at the same time and how the new James Bond got that job thanks to the magic of Sienna Miller's career-enhancing vagina but I am not completely obsessed with them either.

I actually kind of wish I had written that headline but, no, it was written in something called "The OC Weekly" - "O.C." is what Orange County people would like to be called, because it sounds cooler than Orange County. It's still a lame cousin to L.A. - heck, even the Angels changed their name to "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" to avoid the Orange County stigma.

But even if the place is lame the writer for the magazine came up with a pretty good article. I don't usually endorse other articles here because that would cost me my $.05 on Google AdSense - and I will need to buy a DVD some time in 2009 so I really need that money. But with a subtitle like "Even for battle-worn sluts, genitals are a difficult thing to contend with" it's bound to be a pretty good read.

Why didn't I talk about this before Christmas, you ask? I was doing medical research in Tempe, AZ at the Heart Attack Grill. Why? Because some people complained about heart attacks so the Arizona Attorney General asked me to come in and investigate if the food was really that dangerous. Well, it wasn't the Quadruple Bypass Burger or the Flatliner Fries cooked in pure lard that was the culprit, it was the fact that all of the waitresses dress like this:

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Yes, they are dressed like nurses. I guess people were having heart attacks because they didn't want to damage the self esteem of these girls by not keeling over.

Anyway, I am back now, and wanted to be the first to bring you this outstanding "Yes, Vagina, There Is A Santa Claus" article so here is a blurb:

Being friends with your exes is generally not encouraged, but it can result in worthy elucidations of your character. Or your genitals.

“I need you to tell me what my vagina looks like,” I instant message my most significant and trusted ex-boyfriend.

His reply blinks on my screen a few seconds later: “Uhhh . . . like a beautiful flower?”

“Less gay,” I implore.

“A carburetor,” he deadpans, doubtlessly tittering over the slope of whichever bong is obscuring his computer screen.

And then he adds:

“If this is about, ‘Do I need a labiaplasty?’ . . . the answer is no.”


Go read the rest on your own time.

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Comments on "Yes,Vagina, There Is A Santa Claus"

 

Blogger Crystal said ... (1:55 PM) : 

my vagina thanks you. my vagina had lost all hope in santa because even though she tried to be a good vagina this year, santa claus did not bring my vagina one thing. not one thing. and my vagina did not receive a phone call explaining why.

bastard.

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (2:16 PM) : 

It's not all balloons and ponies for men either. I was at a party two days before Christmas and a girl tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to get her some sour cream and onion dip.

When I turned around to give it to her, her vagina exploded because I was so hot. That was pretty embarrassing, I can tell you.

 

Blogger Crystal said ... (2:35 PM) : 

my vagina explodes everytime i look at your avatar.

 

Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said ... (4:09 PM) : 

Nurses eh? Excuse me while I run to the hospital for some elective surgery...

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (5:22 PM) : 

Crystal, women are genetically superior because you can say things like that with a straight face ... and we know you don't mean them but it just doesn't matter ... we like it anyway.

Dyck, don't go just yet. My next article will be on the Aneros ... and if you are armed with the proper information, any ole restaurant nurse can help you find your G-spot ... He-spot ... whatever they call it for men.

 

Blogger Educator said ... (10:53 AM) : 

Hmm...these articles were insightful, but they didn't explain how to get rid of the "Happiest Place On Earth" tattoo I got in my pornin' days.

*create rest of witty comment using "Santa's sack" puns and dirty "chimney" references*

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (10:36 PM) : 

Other people may get more comments, but I get the best ones.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:19 PM) : 

this was just inspiring on so many levels that it has left me speechless.

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (1:03 PM) : 

Yeah, scientists hear that a lot.

Wait 'til my Aneros/anal sex article tomorrow ... that will really get the comments going.

Anal sex + machinery = Big Fun.

 

Blogger The Grunt said ... (10:13 AM) : 

My best comments are the phone calls I get.

I wish my school nurses looked that good.

 

Blogger Jay said ... (12:17 PM) : 

I once explained the appearance of a poor girl's vagina as "an oily rag haplessly thrown onto a clothesline." But at least she had money.

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (12:32 PM) : 

JJ, I am going to steal that one and not attribute it to you. Congratulations!

And I once said, in response to a sex question, "It was like probling a felt-lined beerstine with a pencil."

And Magnum XLs are kinda snug on me, so you know she was huge.

 

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