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Bond. Cash Bond.



People who have known me for a long time know that when I am not dazzling the world with scientific brilliance, I am a Formula One race car driver who also solves mysteries on TV. What the rest of you may not know is that I was also the star of a major motion picture.

It was a different take on the James Bond story - I played an American spy who pretends to be a scientist and the movie was about what would happen if all those spurned women from my adventures got together for revenge. They kept the title simple and to-the-point: Cash Must Die. Sadly, this movie lost its financing during production ( Chopper Chicks In Zombie Town III went over budget and they diverted the money, those bastards ) and the script is tied up in legal so this movie poster is all that remains.

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Well, that and me looking simply smashing in a tux and hanging out with David Carradine on set who was, naturally, the villain:

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Anyway, given that history, some people have thought I was a little hard on the new James Bond because of resentment. Not at all. I had no problem that a short guy with one third my intelligence was getting the role of a lifetime. My skepticism was based on facts, like the fact that he only got the role after experiencing the magic of Sienna Miller's career-enhancing vagina. Something I was not allowed. That Lady Scientist is such a cock-blocker.

Other people echoed my skepticism. I was not the only one to write criticisms that he couldn't take a punch or, even worse for James Bond, that he couldn't drive an Aston-Martin.

But I am here to say, my friends, that sometimes I can be wrong. I should have known that bringing back Martin Campbell, the guy who directed one of the greatest Bond movies of all time would outweigh anything else. And they took Bond back to the basics. I never said Craig wasn't a good actor and he certainly did a terrific job here. By the end of the movie he could well be the best Bond of all time.

Also, if for no other reason, you should pay money to go see the guy who does the free running stunt in the post-title sequence. He is something spectacular to behold. They should give that guy his own movie just so we can watch him do that.

So my apologies to you, Daniel Craig. I was wrong. But I wasn't wrong about everything. The movie is not without its flaws. I said the girl they picked to be Vesper was basically about as attractive as a French bag lady, and my suspicion was confirmed:

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Comments on "Bond. Cash Bond."

 

Blogger The Grunt said ... (11:33 PM) : 

Well, I'd do her. I think what you have to consider here, Cash, is that this is where James Bond was still learning. You probably noticed how easy he got over the tragedy. I figure they opted for a more "British" looking gal for his "puppy love" and now he is all business.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (9:40 AM) : 

Mr. Grunt, what you neglected to mention for the rest of the reading audience is that you have a secret fetish for French homeless-looking women. So your opinion counts but we have to keep it in context

 

Blogger The Grunt said ... (11:16 AM) : 

I know, it is my adaptive approach to procreation, Cash. We all have biases.

 

Blogger Jay said ... (1:08 PM) : 

If I was going to trust anyone's opinion of the new James Bond, it would be yours Cash. However, the fact that you left out Daphne Deckers from the list of babes tells me that either my standards are much more Arian/Swedish than yours, or you're trying to prevent her from ending up in spank banks across the blogosphere.

 

Blogger jinx protocol said ... (6:24 PM) : 

David Carradine rocks! Oh, and Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town was awesome! The first one, at least. I especially loved Billy Bob Thornton in it. It's his most true-to-life role!

 

Blogger Educator said ... (6:36 PM) : 

I thought sucking was a good thing?


*so confused*

 

Blogger Issy said ... (7:15 AM) : 

Cash, I definately think you could be Bond. You seem to have that animal magnetism about you that women seem to flock towards. Plus I bet you could pull off any radical stunt without batting an eyelash!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:20 PM) : 

JJ, I only have about 500 pixels of width, and I included Kim Basinger. Plus, I am already the cause of more web-based spankings than Jenna Jameson and Paris Hilton combined.

Ohhhh, you don't mean me causing them, you mean the picture of Daphne. Never mind.

Ann, my take is that blow jobs are like pizza. Even if they're bad they're pretty good. But I also wrote a whole article contending that you can never trust the girl who gives you the best blowjob of your life. So be good, but not too good.

Issy, you are being spooky nice. Are you holding a cast iron skillet behind your back or something? You are freaking me out.

 

Blogger Issy said ... (10:42 AM) : 

Spooky nice? My dear Cash, I hold nothing behind my back to kick ass with! An old friend once told me this "God gave me two fists. If I can't use them to do the job then I don't need to be in that fight."

I am being nice as I think I started off on the wrong foot with you. I don't mean to be pissy all the time and wanted you to see the "nicer" side of Issy. Don't be freaked out. . . embrace my wierdness!

 

Blogger Educator said ... (1:32 PM) : 

hahaha..where is this article that no doubt feeds into your idea that a girl who is skilled has had more than a fair share of practice? :P

What about a girl who just had a good teacher?

 

Blogger RevRee said ... (6:35 PM) : 

Happy Thanksgiving Sexy man!!!

 

Blogger Chris Wilson said ... (8:10 AM) : 

Man those Replicants sure last a long time. She doens't look like she's aged a day since she rolled around the last time with Rutger Hauer.

You have consumate Photoshop skills Mr. Grasshopper.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (9:56 AM) : 

Issy, I am like Air Traffic Control for crazy women. I don't care about your particular airline, I just want to make sure all of you land safely.

Ann, it sounds like my next ex-wife. So get out that bottle of Miss Clairol and let me know when you are a blonde hottie.

Rev, more people should have your diplomatic finesse.

Chris, that is not Sean Young, it really is that girl in Casino Royale. I know, spooky.

 

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