The REAL Science of Christmas

Sometimes people think that, because I write this column, I am somehow available for free science consulting services. Obviously this is not the case but I don't mind the occasional question, especially if it concerns real puzzles like how Al Gore can prove a car in China doesn't cause global warming but a car in America does. Lately I have been pestered with questions about this whole Christmas thing. It's a troublesome issue, I agree, but I am not in the free science business so most of the questions I just ignore - however, one of the many (many,many not that many - Lady Scientist ) groupies that flitter about me on the internet caught my attention recently with their query about Yule physics because they had the creativity to put it in seasonal rhyming form; "Cash, you are my final chance Of finding the Christmas happenstance For I have read of Old St. Nick So I have to know, what makes him tick. "Does he travel the world and make kids glad? 'cause the science is shaky, the physics is bad And tell me, oh guru, before you are through How a sleigh can fly and those eight reindeer too?" I agree about the baffling nature of this whole Christmas thing from a physics perspective. If you're a Newtonian guy it not only lacks common sense, it is the kind of leap-of-faith slag heap only evolutionary biologists make. But a puzzle is a puzzle and I wouldn't be the internet's pre-eminent anonymous scientist if I didn't tackle the tough problems once in a while. So I have decided to give it a try. The results surprised even me. Of course I am not just an outrageously sexy scientist, I also have my own creative side. Thus, I decided to honor the spirit of the season by answering in similar rhyming verse: You came to Cash, guru of physics Who writes sexy equations and confounds all his critics (Pretty good? Never fear, this part of my verse May start out okay, but it gets a lot worse.) I consulted my sources, to make this is a cinch Like "The Year Without Santa" and that show with the Grinch Yukon Cornelius and the one with great Ak Soon let me know I was on the right track I learned of Snow Miser and Chuck-In-The-Box and found it's not just distance but logistics and clocks If we go east to west, we have 31 hours And that doesn't require any magical powers Weight is a problem, now and days past and heat builds up plenty when toys travel fast You see, millions of toys bring on all kinds of joules To get Santa to work you must throw out the rules So let's look at the atom and all that free space It will help us decide how to win the big race Think of atoms like apples, but we just need the stem Maybe C squared's no problem when you're E without M. So "Santa's" aren't people, they're energy terms They use quantum mechanics and holes made of worms With such arcane science and theories of strings It's easy for Christmas and lots of nice things. Thanks to quantum mechanics, tons weigh only an ounce It explains flying reindeer and Bumbles that bounce But time's still a problem and Santa's must choose So forget about Muslims, Hindus and Jews Sure, they can't get presents, a wreath or a tree But they can go to a movie, like "The Santa Clause III" Meanwhile our Santa can get on his way With all of those stops there's no time to delay So using the magic of science fiction math He has a little more time and can choose the best path Hauling thousands of tons he sets on his course Generating 10,000 times my centripetal force And the joules are no problem,with the math we have reckoned Though you and I would be dead in just half a second Santa math is no problem, Christmas bugs me no more No one else could have solved it – well, maybe Al Gore Kids will be happy, our homes full of cheer So look out for St. Nick and his flying reindeer Even coke-addled models have stuff for their tree Like a grape and some Prada and perhaps even me Christmas isn’t just physics or even great toys It’s a lesson in giving for all girls and boys The lesson is easy though less simple for some Be nice to each other and good things will sure come So whether you're Christian or Hindu Muslim or Jew This girl got what she deserves And I hope you do too: