Science Goes On A Spiritual Quest

It still seemed like a great idea when I walked out of Kathmandu but by the time I crossed into Tibet I was starting to worry I had made a mistake. Scientists are always looking for answers, you see, and not all answers can be found at the bottom of a bottle of Miss Clairol. I had begun to doubt myself. "Why blondes?" I found myself asking. And "Maybe Al Gore is right and my car causes global warming but Mexican cars don't" crept into my brain. This is the kind of thing that can kill your career. Scientists need to have answers, even if they're wrong. So I decided to throw it all away and give in to my pre-midlife crisis of faith. I sold my slide rule, put the "ME=MC^2" pocket rocket in storage and started buying plane tickets. First stop: Franklin, Tennessee. I wanted to meet with Joe Beam, a conservative Christian minister who has a message worth hearing: Have hotter sex. His message is a good one, mostly because he starts right in with advice on how to make our semen taste better. Sweet stuff works, says he, and you even get to say, 'I'm eating this cake for you, baby!'" Welcome to the world of hot Christian love. And I think he's right. Sex is a sacred subject, at least when a scientist is doing it, and a wonderful gift, specifically when I am doing it. Still, I had been hoping to meet one of the holy hotties on J.C.'s Girls but they were nowhere to be found. So Joe Beam didn't have the answers I needed because scientists already have sex like rock stars. So next I went to England and consulted The Cosmic Ordering Service but they wanted me to ask for a house in the south of France or a new job or something. It certainly sounds easier than that Kabbalah stuff but it might be more fun to hang out with Madonna. So that's how I ended up in Tibet. And that explains why I have been missing for so long. Did I find the answers I was looking for? Not really. But at least I found my missing condom.