Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Bringing you the dark genius of Dostoyevsky
combined with the divine, intelligent humor of Pynchon
since spring 2002


What Cool Scientists Are Wearing



  • Click Here To Get Your Own Cool Science Guy Stuff!
Sites Cool Scientists Are Reading
  • Science & Supermodels
  • Scientific Blogging
  • Build Cool Stuff!
  • We Are Scientists
  • Sex And The Beach
  • The Grunt
  • The Mighty Dyckerson
  • Blog Portland
  • Mo Comedy
  • RevRee
  • Chatoyance
  • Crystal Village
  • Misogynous Portuguese
  • M-Visions
  • Forever Geek
  • Geek Logik
  • Michelle's Spell
  • Issy
Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
  • Subscribe

  • Making the world safe
    for technology,
    one comedic punch
    to the throat at a time.


  • Add to Technorati Favorites!
  • Subscribe in NewsGator Online
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

Previous Scientific Goodness

  • Science Goes On A Spiritual Quest

  • Bond. Cash Bond.

  • Surest Sign Of The Apocalypse - No More Blondes

  • Face Recognition, Emotions And How Science Determi...

  • The Mens Guide To Dating A Geek Girl V 1.0

  • How Math Can Save Your Marriage - An Interview Wit...

  • Guns, Guitars And Greenpeace

  • The Media Is Just Too Darn Suggestive These Days

  • Do I Look Like A Movie Star To You?

  • New York City Declares War On Good Food

Blah, Blah, Blah

  • Subscribe in NewsGator Online
  • unique IPs to-date
  • Top Technology Blogs
  • Site Feed
  • iPing-it!
  • Listed on BlogShares

  • Other Places
    To Find Me

    Powered by Blogger

Want Men To Understand Your Relationship? Make A Card Game Out Of It



Image Hosted by ImageShack.us


I've done acupressure for over 20 years. Not because I am some wussified New Age guy who cites Three Men And A Baby as his favorite movie but because it works. I have taken aspirin maybe once in that time for a headache.

I didn't learn it from an ancient Chinese guru, I learned it by reading a book. When you are a young guy, you are just reading for knowledge and you can learn lots of interesting things by reading books. The one interesting - and important - thing you could not learn through reading was about relationships.

Until now.

Let's face it, you could read until the skin on your fingers peeled off and you were never going to be able to understand why, when a women spends two hours telling you about a problem at work, the last thing she wants is for you to give her a solution to the problem. To men this makes no sense but we had to learn to accept the oddness of women because the only alternative was to imagine looking at some guy's hairy ass and saying, "I gotta get me some of that." * Yeah, you see the problem.

But science is here to help, my friends, and I will do it through Chinese medicine. And card games.

You see, I could write a whole book on relationships and I could even make it simple and list the points in numerical order, with things like:

1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

and

2. Let her beat you at something once in a while - poker, chess, whatever — and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

and men still wouldn't get it. They would just laugh and forward it to their friends in complete violation of my copyright. But I think I have discovered how to make men understand:

Make a card game out of it.

Men can learn games like nobody's business and card games even easier. I know seven year olds who can recite all 75 Pokemon characters including their elaborate relationships, special abilities and killer effects on other characters, but if I ask one of those lads about women he will just scowl and say, "Girls are icky."

But I bet if I made it a game he could make any scientist proud. So I thought about it, and hit on this Chinese medicine idea again, and suddenly it came to me that Chinese men 2500 years ago really knew their stuff because relationships, like medicine, are elemental. We just didn't know how to interpret this elemental Chinese stuff in valuable ways, like dealing with women, until I came along.

Say, for example, you are Yin and she is Yang. Each of you have five elements and each element has a matrix for their seasons, their colors, and their emotions. Then put it on playing cards. You get the idea. Of course, for men to understand relationships, there has to be a way to win, so I created a generating sequence and a resolution sequence to allow you to make progress with the cards you get.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us


So, furthering the example, if you get the right cards you can either create something new, like for you, or destroy something of hers. Want to build a nice Wood state of harmony with your cards? You can do that. Want to destroy her angry Fire element? You can do that too. It's all about building good things and destroying bad things in the relationship.

Okay, now for the specifics and I'll even include the cards so you can print them off:

( Rest deleted by me, because I took one look at this and decided we are going to make this game. He's not right often. Actually, he is only right when I tell him he is right, but he is right this time - Lady Scientist )

So there you go. Want to decide where to go out to dinner? Game her for it. He's not willing to believe he looks ridiculous in that sports jersey? Game him for it. Almost any important decision can be determined in a way that makes complete sense to both sexes.

Love is a game anyway, right? Well, I just provided a way for both of you to win.




*Not that there's anything wrong with that.

posted by your friendly neighborhood Moderator at 8:09 PM
Email This Cutting-Edge Humor
Direct Link This Post
or Add to del.icio.us or even Digg me.
12 attempts to be as funny as a scientist


Comments on "Want Men To Understand Your Relationship? Make A Card Game Out Of It"

 

Blogger Educator said ... (3:22 PM) : 

not your best work...and I am still confused. what about yin yang and the elements? Can't you just make the game similar to D&D?

half is luck, the other half is building up your levels, and the other half (which is really a third) goes to tactical maneuvers.

Let's say you start out the relationship with

+ 5 looks
+ 7 brains
+ 5 charm
+ 2 gifts

Now as you progress in the relationship you either gain or lose points depending on your different battles with your significant other. Of course, over time your looks can vary levels. For instance, let's say you turn into a silver fox after the age of 40, that would be + 10 looks because the other males around that age have all pooched out and become slovenly.

Now, let's say you are in a fight with your woman over pop tarts and you bow out graciously and buy her a box of smore flavored cookie goodness. After all is said and done, then you have just increased your level of charm, brains, and by proxy, looks. A surefire indicator that you are still a tenth level lover would be whether or not your standing date with her personals still stands after the argument.



If she storms out and you get no sex, you can bet that your levels have all decreased, but if you have built them up enough in the past, this should hardly dent your total standing.

8)

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (3:31 PM) : 

NOT MY BEST WORK???

It's a two player game ... Yin and Yang. And there are 5 elements, each which can create and destroy. Wood can create fire which can destroy metal, etc.

Let's see YOU create the game!! Now I am huffy.

Not my best work. I write this stuff for free.

 

Blogger Educator said ... (3:46 PM) : 

wha? I gave you a better game, one that nerd boys all around the world worship. What can be better than D&D to describe how to play the game of love?

So, what is it like topple or something? I have to balance the elements at all times? And what would qualify as a "fire" that would destroy your "wood" element, earth element...whatever?

Where's the funny, Mr. Scientist?

 

Blogger Educator said ... (3:48 PM) : 

wait wait wait...I see the flaw in my understanding of this game...

I am not a man

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (4:01 PM) : 

Ann, when YOU get a Nobel Prize In Awesome, you can decide what's funny.

Besides, what you described is Magic: The Gathering. Mine is easier because it has five elements and funnier because it will have cards like 'Fire - You Slept With My Sister' and 'Water - Bake Me A Pie' ... let's see those D&D guys come up with that.

 

Blogger Educator said ... (4:04 PM) : 

I was snubbed for the Nobel Prize in awesome. Something about unsafe practices with interns. Prudes, all of them!

Your post needs those cards. I am hopeless with a visual.....


and clear directions :P

 

Blogger Chris Wilson said ... (4:11 PM) : 

I'm more than happy to lose this game as long as she beats my wood.

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (4:26 PM) : 

Ann, Lady Scientist objected to the cards because the one had me looking kinda sinister and it was too outrageously sexy for the internet.

Her words, not mine.

Mr. Chris, thank you for bringing the discussion back to where it should have been.

 

Blogger Issy said ... (8:53 AM) : 

Here's a question for you Cash. What if both of you are Yin or both of you are Yang? Where's the balance then? Maybe the peroxide is taking over. I need to go lie down now. I have a headache. Wait. . . don't you have a card for that one?

 

Blogger The Grunt said ... (10:32 AM) : 

The comments are good today, Cash. Looks like someone is trying to yang your yin.

 

Blogger Chief Scientist said ... (10:15 AM) : 

Issy, I have cards for everything. I can't wait to say
"I have wood" in a card game.

Mr. Grunt, you let a chance to make a "metal" reference completely get away from you!

 

Blogger Jay said ... (2:59 PM) : 

What is the chance of opting in a bonus element to spice things up when need be? It could be labeled as the "call girl" element.

 

post a comment