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2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Science Has Bad News For Goth Chicks - Vampires May Not Be Real



Groundbreaking - and heartwarmingly unessential - research done by University of Central Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has attempted to confirm what a generation of suicide girls has always feared - that vampires do not exist.

His reasoning? On Jan 1, 1600, the human population was just over 530 million people. If one vampire existed on that day and bit one person per month, and then each new vampire also bit one person per month, by 1605 the entire planet would be nothing except vampires.

Now, I am okay with there being no vampires, though I think the world would be poorer without that cinema classic, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

And, without vampires, I would not be able to spend 4 seconds scouring the internet and find pictures like this:

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So we can't just let someone claim they have wiped out a millenium of folklore by doing simple ( very simple ) math. First, let's deal with the premise behind his numbers. Professor Efthimiou's research assumes that each vampire bite results in another vampire being created. People, if there's one thing I know, it's vampires ( and Thai transvestites, but hey, that is a post for another time ) and I need only point you to the definitive work on the matter, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, to state unequivocally that vampires don't always create more vampires. They only create vampires out of people they really like, or who have waistlines like Vampira:

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Yes, she looks as all women should look; like a sexy, zombie skeleton.

Additionally, back in 2000, in the British series Ultraviolet, it was clarified that vampires wouldn't feed themselves to extinction any more than we would keep on killing buffalo until they were almost gone.

This was on TV, people. If you can't believe what you see on TV, I can't reason with you.

Professor Efthimiou's simple and surprisingly jingoistic math and logic errors mean that there is still at least some statistical chance that vampires could exist. However, there is also some statistical chance I am a Chinese jet pilot. Yet, since the chance exists that vampires are roaming the earth, it can't hurt to have a vampire slayer handy. Everyone goes for Buffy. I'd rather have a little Faith.

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posted by your friendly neighborhood Moderator at 8:49 PM
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Comments on "Science Has Bad News For Goth Chicks - Vampires May Not Be Real"

 

Blogger Karyn said ... (7:17 PM) : 

I was GOING to look into getting you your fifteen seconds back... but if you are going to put it to use parousing the web for photos of Buffy so we can see MORE of SMG, then I think perhaps not.

Still...damn funny.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (8:43 PM) : 

I am okay if you diss SMG ... but if you went after Eliza Dushku ... man, were we going to throw down.

 

Blogger Chandra said ... (1:52 PM) : 

I am obligated to like the steelers...although I tolerate them because well... not too sure. Just do i guess. I don't know a hell of a lot about football, but I make my way. Just curious as to how you came across my blog?
Have a good day!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:45 PM) : 

Chandra, I have no clue. If someone writes a comment in someone else's blog and it interests me, I click it.

It's the miracle of compounding ... except you get no money. Ain't the internet grand?

 

Blogger The Grunt said ... (11:49 PM) : 

Cash, look at this clip for some good vampire action: "Once Bitten, Twice Shy". Sorry, the main vampire is a dude, but he has great taste.

 

Blogger Chandra said ... (7:35 AM) : 

Me, interesting... who knew?!?!
haha. You're probably laughing at my lack of knowledge when it comes to picking winning football teams. I believe the sadder thing to be the fact that I am betting everyone I know of the male species and I have basically no idea what I'm doing!

When I first saw your name it made me think Johnny Cash. It intrigued me somehow.

Interesting post about vampires. So, do you believe they are real?

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (7:48 AM) : 

Mr. Grunt, that's from Dracula 2000, which is a much better movie than you think it is. At least I thought so when I saw it. It's no "Ghostbusters" or "Army of Darkness', which are all anyone needs for the Halloween season, really, but it's good.

Chandra, I guess I left a comment because of your Steelers post, sure. People call me Cash not because I sing like Johnny Cash but because I am willing to try - and I play virtually every Johnny Cash song, including that whole album of American Indian songs he did. :-) I look nothing like Johnny Cash but my father reminds people of him. It's the jet black hair ( not so black any more ) and the swoop, I suppose.

No, I don't believe in vampires, but I don't believe in most anything unless the evidence makes sense. I am totally ready to believe in hot girls killing them if they exist, though.

 

Blogger Jay said ... (8:17 PM) : 

But we already know that Eliza is a slut. The thrill of SMG is that she still pretends to be innocent. And we all know it's much more exciting when an innocent girl says things like "cock" and "no lube."

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (8:26 PM) : 

Eliza almost KILLED a guy during sex. That is way sexier than innocence. Well, for me. It also means me pulling her hair and throwing her around the room a little won't bother her at all.

 

Blogger Chandra said ... (9:17 AM) : 

Blog portland: Do you think SMG seems more innocent because she's blonde? Both her and Eliza "fight vampires" so really how would one be more innocent then the other?

I agree with you about this completely, "And we all know it's much more exciting when an innocent girl says things like "cock" and "no lube." I was one of the sweet and innocent but a little odd/weird girls and no one would expect that from me, but when they hear it watch out. It's pretty funny actually.

Cash: What do you mean by throw? :|

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (9:24 AM) : 

I mean romantically but firmly do whatever the hell I please.

And because even if you were only quoting Blog Portland, you can be assured of 40 new readers because you used the words 'cock' and 'no lube.'

 

Blogger Chandra said ... (4:12 PM) : 

Haha are you serious?!?!?! 40 new readers... man it doesn't take much to entertain people these days!

Oh when I said cosmo sex tip, I meant like cosmopolitian women's magazine. In every monthly issue there are at least 50 tips to better sex, more sex, any kind etc.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:08 PM) : 

Why don't men know about this Cosmo business? It sounds way better than Maxim.

 

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