Jobs I Would Like To Have Being a scientist isn't all balloons and ponies. Sometimes, when I have my feet up on the desk and I am thinking about why someone's interconnect caused their multi-million dollar tapeout to fail, or when Kate Beckinsale is trying to seduce me in a foreign country, I have thought about taking a different path in life. So here are some jobs I might like to have next time around: * Former President - write a book on public service, get paid $5 million to do it. Apparently Mr. Clinton didn't see the irony in that. * Philadelphia Paramedic - because I want to go on calls like where this guy's bi-polar wife yanked his penis off while he slept. And I am way cooler than Randolph Mantooth. * Teenage Boy - so Pamela Rogers will seduce me and I can take advantage of the fact that studies show teenage girls are twice as likely to have sex as teenage boys - why is that important? Math shows us that in order for girls to have sex twice as often as boys, some boys are having sex with four girls. And that's the kind of high school I could tolerate. Oh, and the study also shows girls are more likely to drink, smoke, steal and take drugs. So boys get the better end of that deal too. Plus, we get to have sex with girls, which is pretty much the cherry on top of the Sundae of Awesomeness that being a boy is. * Guy Who Designs Armored Suits For Soldiers - because this body armor is the best practical joke ever: * The Prince of Denmark - because only he could talk about his preference for eating fried dogs and not get ridiculed. The Danes don't have much to be proud of ... let's face it, when you have been kicked around by Sweden for the last 400 years, you don't walk with a lot of dignity ... so any Dane in the news is good publicity. Even if it's for eating Snoopy. How will you know if that joke-cracking Dane is serving you dog? I bet it will be because the animal on the platter will have a tennis ball in its mouth instead of an apple. * Tatyana Simanava's Boyfriend - she's now back in modeling action after stepping off her tour bus while it was going 40 MPH and going kaboom into traffic. I assume someone already made the joke about asking if she looked both ways before she went out the hospital door. She has said she is going to sue the bus so that demonstrates she is just the kind of illiterate sock monkey who will put up with my crap. And she looks like this: