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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:

10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.

9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.

8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.

7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.

6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!

3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...

1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"

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Kofi Annan Says No Reason For War In Iraq



Because Hussein has said he has no weapons and the UN has been in there a few weeks and hasn't found any yet ... so therefore he must not have them. Isn't this the same UN that insisted anti-Israeli politicians should go to Jenin in order to confirm there wasn't a massacre? And to keep looking until they found one?

Annan has become the great appeaser ... he makes Neville Chamberlain look absolutely visionary.

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Democrat Wants To Bring Back The Draft



This is to show they are suddenly tough on defense issues ... bringing back the draft ... presumably for someone else's kids, like the Dems' current policy on public schools ... ours should go but most of theirs don't.

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Diversity Goes A Little Too Far When Human Sacrifice Is In The Show



Some PA parents got upset when an elementary school play on 'world cultures' had called for a simulated human sacrifice performed by the 1st-5th grade tykes.

Good thing it wasn't CA ... they would have gotten tax dollars to send the show on the road.

Why did things go bad? Because they brought in two outside 'performance artists' who saw nothing wrong with the human sacrifice and believed it was part of the curriculm and therefore okay. Said Abby Alter, one of the two performance artists, "I felt bad for the kids," Alter said. "They had a great time (putting the show together). It was school, but it was also a learning experience."

"I was very disappointed that those in charge . . . didn't see anything wrong with this type of production, especially around Christmas," said Keith Klinger, the father of first- and third-graders at Pleasantville Elementary. "I had no problem with it up until the violent content of the human sacrifices."

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Oakland and San Francisco Public Schools, Among The Worst In The Nation, Decide To Have "Teach-Ins" About War On Iraq



Public schools + California = "Let's teach children what we did to deserve terrorism."

Our tax dollars are paying for this? California schools are horrid already, and Oakland schools are horrid for California. So when two hours of homework a night aren't helping, and teaching good old-fashioned math and spelling aren't working, they apparently have time to waste a day discussing war on Iraq.

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Injured and Can't Pay In Mexico? We'll Drive You To The US!



Yes indeed ... Mexican ambulance drivers in Texas and Arizona are driving poor patients with no money across the border to US hospitals, where treatment is mandated by federal law. Officials estimate that the practice is now costing state taxpayers $200 million a year. I wonder how much that will rise to once more Mexican hospitals catch on?

Facing mounting losses, some facilities will be forced to close. Sen. Jon Kyl, Arizona Republican, had the brilliant idea to simply reimburse these hospitals from the federal taxpayer pool. Great idea Jon ... how about simply refusing treatment to illegal aliens?

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Trent Lott Shoots His Mouth Off



He could be in for a very short stint as Senate Majority Leader. It's hard to imagine anyone with so much power has such a shocking view of history.

Speaking Thursday at a 100th birthday party and retirement celebration for Sen. Thurmond (R- S.C.) in the Dirksen Senate Office Building, Lott said, "I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either."

The problem was that Thurmond, though perhaps not a bigot at the time, was certainly a politician preying on the fears of his constituency as candidate for the 'Dixiecrat' party in 1948. "All the laws of Washington and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force the Negro into our homes, our schools, our churches."

On July 17, 1948, delegates from 13 southern states gathered in Birmingham to nominate Thurmond and adopt a platform that said in part, "We stand for the segregation of the races and the racial integrity of each race."

I can't find any way to defend Lott for such a gaffe ... I don't know whether Thurmond is or was a bigot or if that was just a political hook ... it doesn't matter now. For Lott, a Senator who is presumably not senile, to issue an endorsement of his candidacy flies in the face of American morals and the standards we want to set as an example of freedom and equality for the world. If Democrats want to paint the Republicans as the party of intolerance, this is surely the ammunition they will use.

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'Bigfoot' Creator Dies



Ray L. Wallace, the man behind the 'Bigfoot' hoax, is dead at 84. Even admitting the hoax cannot dissuade some believers though. Jeff Meldrum, an associate professor of anatomy and anthropology at Idaho State University, says he has casts of 40 to 50 footprints he believes were made by authentic unknown primates.

"To suggest all these are explained by simple carved feet strapped to boots just doesn't wash," Meldrum said, noting 19th century accounts of such a creature.

In August 1958, a bulldozer operator who worked for Wallace's construction company in Humboldt County, Calif., found huge footprints circling and then leading away from his rig.

The Humboldt Times in Eureka, Calif., coined the term "Bigfoot" in a front-page story about the phenomenon.

Family members said Wallace asked a friend to carve the wooden 16-inch-long feet that he and his brother Wilbur wore to create the tracks.

The nation — fascinated by tales of the Himalayan Abominable Snowman — quickly bought into the notion of a homegrown version.

"The fact is there was no Bigfoot in popular consciousness before 1958. America got its own monster, its own Abominable Snowman, thanks to Ray Wallace," Mark Chorvinsky, editor of Strange magazine, told The Seattle Times.

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Germans Are So Culturally 'Progressive" They Mistake A Suicide For Performance Art



Visitors to a off-beat Berlin arts center thought a dead woman on the ground was a performance art act rather than a suicide, police said on Thursday.

Authorities said the 24-year-old woman, who apparently leapt from a window, discussed suicide in a videotaped interview with a group of artists the day before.

"A group of visitors to the center at first thought the body lying on the ground at the art center was part of an art performance," said police spokeswoman Christine Rother. "It took a while before anyone realized it was not an act but a suicide."

Artists at the Tacheles art center had videotaped the woman the evening before when she told of her suicide plans. They tried to talk her out of it and drove her home, but she returned to the arts workshop later in the evening.

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Dems Leadership Committee Stops Telling Americans They Are Dumber Than The Intellectual Elite At The Top of the Party, Starts Listening



Maureen Dowd pontificates nicely here in response to their memo on Monday concerning the wreck that is their agenda.

"Close the cultural gap that, left unchecked, will give Republicans back a virtual lock on the Electoral College . . .," Mr. From and Mr. Reed exhorted. "Half that battle is simply respecting the values of mainstream America in the first place. We will never be the party that loves guns most, but we can respect law-abiding citizens' rights to own them. We will never be the pro-life party, but we can show that we want abortion to be rare as well as legal."

Indeed ... but actually saying that at the Democratic convention will get them shouted out. They've been taken over by fringe elements, Pelosi of San Francisco among them ... they know it and the American people know it.

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Finns Find A Way To Tax People For Playing The Radio



The courts have ruled in favor of their country's copyright society, which stated that taxi drivers had to pay about $20 a year to be able to play music for passengers in their cabs, even the radio.

The copyright society is also appealling its loss against local churches -- they claim to be able to charge them for playing Christmas hymns.

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