Go Green By Switching To Fruit Power

It confuses some people that I can be an environmentalist and a Republican. It's confusing because Democrats are handed a checklist of "coalition of the oppressed" platforms they have to believe in, so they don't understand picking and choosing positions based on logic and common sense. Republicans don't much care if you are for ice-picking fetus skulls or paying high taxes, as long as you have an oil well in your backyard and all of your TV channels parent-blocked except Fox News. Republicans have a pretty big umbrella that way, mostly because rich white guys can only buy so many votes and thus they have to broaden their appeal. Don't write me emails about this girl in the picture. For left wing chicks, this is the best you're getting. So people are confused that I can think Al Gore is an opportunistic shill mobilizing the left with deceit and still care about good old Mama Earth. Well, I do, but instead of asking someone to nationalize Exxon or fly airplanes all over the world telling people they should ride bicycles, I do practical things. Small differences add up to big effects. And I can show you how to make a difference too. Everyone likes to talk about making a difference but no one is really sure what works. Carbon credits? Scam. Carbon offsets? Scam, only liable to make you rich, so worthy of consideration. But while you get rich selling carbon offsets to suckers on Craigs List, how can you legitimately lower your carbon footprint yet maintain the decadent western lifestyle you've come to enjoy? The answer is simple, my fellow environmentalists: fruit power. Electricity, you see, doesn't have to be generated using smoke-belching coal-fired plants. It can also be generated using nuclear power, a key reason why the French picked CO2 to be the global warming culprit instead of methane, which they generate in substantial quantity, or using wind power and even ocean waves. The French solution to air pollution Electricity can also be generated chemically, like in batteries. But ordinary batteries use things like sulfuric acid and even in diluted quantities it can melt your skin and make you sterile so it's probably better not to mess with it. The answer to generating delicious electricity while enjoying Mother Nature's awesome goodness is the magic of electrolytes. An electrolyte is basically something with some free ions hanging around that can conduct electricity, like an acid or a base. Sulfuric acid is really, really acidic which is why it's in batteries but lots of ordinary foods have enough acid to do what we want if they are properly motivated, including many fruits. One of the best fruits to use is a lemon, because it is high in acidity. Because it is high in acidity it can react quite well with an active metal, like zinc, and that reaction can produce electricity for you. If you ever built something like this from a science kit, they talk in mumbo jumbo about 'zinc electrodes' and 'copper electrodes' and what not. I don't have 'zinc electrodes' around the house. I don't even have any lemons. What I did have was a few pennies, some aluminum foil, a battery powered stopwatch and apples. Make electrical juice from your apple juice It's easier than you think. For this LCD stopwatch I used: 4 pennies 2 apples 4 wires with alligator clips - okay, I did have those and you might not but any copper wire will do. 4 squares of aluminum foil, each the size of the face of an apple. 1) Cut the apples in half. Put each half face down on the aluminum foil. 2) Insert a penny in the top of each apple section. 3) Run a piece of wire from the penny of the apple on your far left to the + terminal inside the stopwatch. 4) Run a piece of wire from the aluminum foil on the apple piece of your far right to the - terminal inside the stopwatch. Astute conservatives will recognize the May 14th issue of NATIONAL REVIEW. 5) Run a wire from the aluminum foil of that first apple to the to the penny on the next one and repeat those connections until they are all connected to each other. If you haven't messed this up, your stopwatch will be lit. If you have messed this up, you probably shouldn't be allowed around a campfire singing "Kumbaya" ( Democrats ) or around firearms ( Republicans ). So now I am generating electricity with no carbon footprint at all. The problem is doing anything requiring more than 1.5 volts is going to take a lot of apples wired in series, so as you can see in the picture of my new menu below, I have had to make some dietary changes. It's just one of the many sacrifices I have to make to cure global warming.

Girls Give Hope To Ugly Guys Everywhere Part VI

Science articles, even in the casual world of the internet, take a great deal of research. It's not always easy making science look easy. As all of you know, my articles are meticulously detailed, well thought out and ergonomically terrific in almost every way. That doesn't happen by accident. But sometimes revelations for new articles happen by accident, like when I am researching something else. While I was researching the most important article in the history of the internet I decided, in the interests of maintaining my impeccable credentials, that I needed a picture of a hot girl in a river. I keep a substantial folder of supermodel endorsements and pictures for occasions like this. But I didn't have girls that fish so it took some time. And then I stumbled across this picture: And the happy accident came to me - because women have proved, once again, that they are intellectually and emotional on a different level than men. Namely, because they will date some really ugly guys. You may have missed Part 1, where I talked about Christina Aguilera marrying a guy so ugly that even with my five medical degrees I can't figure out what's wrong with his teeth. In Part 2 I discussed Evangline Lilly getting engaged to a Hobbit, Part 3 had me trying to figure out how the druggie from Friends was nailing Piper Perabo and Part 4 had me back to Christina because she looked even hotter and he looked even sillier next to her. Those were all outrageous examples of well-meaning women not caring enough about the looks of their men - and we want to discourage that kind of progressive thinking - but then we hit Part V, where David Spade and Heather Locklear took this to some higher level of insanity. Still, even a guy the size of my forearm like David Spade being with Heather Locklear didn't prepare me for the shock of seeing 5'10" tall, platinum-blonde, blue-eyed best-thing-to-come-from-Sweden-ever Victoria Silvstedt with ... wait, who is this guy? I thought she was married. Okay, maybe she got divorced. So that's why I interrupted my usual science humor to write Part VI, because some things cannot be explained by science, like why I am eating protein shakes and writing with the dark humor of Pynchon to stay attractive to women(me - LS) and it turns out all I needed was a penis made of heroin-laced chocolate. Or whatever that guy must have to get Victoria Silvstedt. Yeah, but who wouldn't? You can call her enlightened if you want. You can call her the opposite of shallow if it helps. She could call herself the Emperor of Nebraska and if anybody doubted her she could just whip out her picture and say, "If I'm not the Emperor of Nebraska, then why do I look this friggin' hot?" And then everybody would shake their heads in awe and mutter amongst themselves that she must be the Emperor of Nebraska. Seriously, can someone explain why I am writing this article and he is throwing Victoria Silvstedt around a Motel 6?

Smart teens don’t have sex (or kiss much either)

High intelligence is the best protection against early sexual activity during adolescence, research has shown. Can it be that intelligent kids don't need free condoms to be convinced they shouldn't have sex? Well, yes, that may be, but it may also be that smart kids just can't get dates. Virgin by choice? Or she just can't get a date? To reach this conclusion about intelligence and sexual activity in teens, researchers in this year 2000 study at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and McGill University took two separate sample groups in the 7th to 12th grades. Both studies used the Peabody Picture Vocabulary Test (PPVT) as an intelligence measure and confidential admissions of sexual activity. Their results showed a distinct bell curve. Teens at the upper and lower ends of the intelligence distribution were found less likely to have had sex. And even once they started being sexually active, the more intelligent ones postponed the full range of partnered sexual activities until later than the rest. So it's really only the average intelligence kids we have to worry about. That means the guys on the football team couldn't get laid either? I bet you feel a lot better knowing that. What the study leaves out is whether or not the kids in this study could have had sex. It's easy to correlate intelligence with not getting sex if you don't ask about willingness. Jason Malloy at Gene Expression wrote: One reason we might guess that smarter people in high school, or in more challenging colleges or majors, delay their sexual debuts is because they are delaying gratification in expectation of future reward. Sexual behavior (or at least the investment needed to procure a partner or sustain one) may compete with time/resources required for other goals, and intelligent people may have more demanding goals. Which is a nice way of saying intelligent teenagers don't have sex, but they could. He also happens to be a biologist so he may be, you know, rationalizing things a bit. Mr. Malloy also notes this survey from Wellesley that says 72% of biology majors were virgins. Do you believe 72% of biology majors could have sex but still don't? Granted, I think biology students are enlightened ( though not as enlightened as math students, with 83% virginity ) but they can't be that enlightened. University of Georgia Assistant Professor Joe Sabia addresses this in the upcoming issue of Economic Journal: ... estimates show that sexually active adolescents have grade point averages that are approximately 0.2 points lower than virgins. However, when information on the timing of intercourse decisions is exploited and individual fixed effects are included, the negative effect of sexual intercourse disappears for females, but persists for males. In other words, the large majority of biology majors are males and an even larger percentage of them make up the gene pool * of virgins in these results. That means girls, even among biology majors, can get sex whenever they want - and they're all intelligent enough to know it. Further reading: Teenage Scientists Have Redefined Sex In Order To Have Less Of It. * Clever, ain't I?

The Spanish Celebrate Cinco de Mayo By Annexing Mexico

Presidente del Gobierno José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero of Spain said the Spanish Republic has decided to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by revoking Mexican independence: "It has always been a common misperception that the 5th of May is a celebration of Mexican independence from Spain. This is not correct, is is actually a celebration of victory over the French in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, but we know that no one can really be proud of defeating the French so the mistake is understandable. In truth, we never agreed to Mexican independence anyway so we are simply revoking it." Almuneda Fernandez is Spanish, not Mexican, but it still might be nice to annex her Reporters asked Zapatero how the Mexicans might react to claims they are still owned by Spain. "We have been fascinated for some time by Mexican claims that California, for example, was stolen from them by America. We had California for 300 years and Mexico had it for 20. So in the spirit of fairness, we will also be annexing California. "We wish the Mexicans a happy Cinco de Mayo. It was a great victory for Spain and we remain proud of it. We encourage our Mexican subjects to call the new governors we are sending from Spain traditional names like 'Don Raphael' and we ask you not to bother with the whole Zorro thing this time - unless it's that George Hamilton version. He was pretty good."